Monday, April 30, 2007
PS. Since this site has always been so supportive, can I have your commemorative plaque? I'll write a letter to the idiots at Yahoo Fantasy Sports on your behalf. I'm pretty sure they'll even recognize your superiority over AAAngel Berroa (get it, he's in AAA).
1. Kirk Saarloos, Cal State-Fullerton - the author doesn't know much about Fullerton other than they're typically good at baseball. Phil Nevin and Mark Kotsay seem like pretty smart guys and they both went there. And by all accounts, Saarloos graduated, though the author's cursory search did not indicate in what field of study. We'll keep him in the maybe category.
2. Eddie Guardado, San Joaquin Delta Coll. CA (J.C) - the author had almost forgotten about "Every Six Months" Eddie, but he's sure to have a little free time. He did attend college, here’s the link, seems like a pretty nice place. The only problem is that in the top corner of the link there is a picture of a steamship. That seems okay, until you realize they're not the San Joaquin Delta College Boats, but the San Joaquin Delta College Mustangs. This raises serious questions regarding the quality of the education Eddie received.
3. Scott Hatteberg, Washington State - come on, he went to Washington State, no way this guy isn't an asset to anyone interested in learning.
4. David Weathers, Motlow State CC - this was another educational institution the author was not aware existed. This is in no way meant as a shot at the Motlow State Community College, I'm sure there are numerous fine institutions of which the author has not heard. However, this is the picture found on the home page
Seriously, that's the first image that comes up when you get to the school's website. I have no idea what to make of it.
5. Jeff Guy Conine, UCLA - now get this, Conine, who the author had no idea had the middle name of Guy, went to UCLA. He didn't graduate, but still, that's pretty impressive. He was on an economics track at the time he was drafted in the 58th round by the Royals. Looks like he is the winner of the privilege of stuffing information into the author's defective brain. Way to go Guy.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
While the author has always liked Denorfia, the Reds outfield was getting a little crowded, especially with the, somewhat remote, possibility of Jay Bruce being ready by next spring. We here at the Reds Rocket wish you well in Oakland and don't see any reason you can't at least beat out Bobby Kielty next season. Give my regards to Too Short, we go way back.
3. Paul Maholm - yeah, the author saw your last outing. Complete game shut out using only 99 pitches. Try doing that against a team that isn't the Astros then the author might believe you're not just another young Pirate left-hander with lots of unrealized potential. We'll keep an eye on you and see if you get to that coveted 8 win mark. I think they name a sandwich after you, might the author recommend the Paul Maholm suckwich.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
*Update: Mission accomplished. Keisler 3+ innings 6 hits 4 runs. You're on your way to notoriety. Congratulations!
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Turns out, there's nothing to be worried about. It's just an infection of tiny pouches in your disgestive tract. What a relief. With a few simple changes, such as switching to a low fiber diet, the disease is very treatable and as the Mayo Clinic website says "having bulging pouches (diverticulosis) in your digestive tract isn't necessarily a concern." If the condition calls for home treatment, you'll need to remove all whole grains, fruits and vegetables from your diet and implement antibiotics to kill the bacteria which causes the bowel infection. Should the disorder persist, you may be a candidate for primary bowel resection surgery. It's a simple procedure where your surgeon removes the diseased part of your intestine and then reconnects the healthy segments of your colon. This allows you to have normal bowel movements. Normal bowel movements!
See fans, there's nothing to be afraid of. People with diverticulitis are just like you or me. Infection of the tiny postules in your bowel is just a relatively common symptom of aging, chances are someone in your family has the disorder. But do the author a favor, next time you see Junior, don't offer him any nuts [as they get lodged in the intestine causing a painful infection] and remind him to watch out for offspeed stuff away.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
1. David Eckstein SS - from Wikipedia: "David Eckstein is not Jewish"
2. Chris Duncan LF - his entrance music is Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes
3. Albert Pujols 1B - recently got a small role in a broadway musical, it's not much, but it's a start
4. Scott Rolen 3B - has lost track of the times Grey's Anatomy has made him weep
5. Jim Edmonds CF - apparently still plays baseball
6. Scott Spezio RF - when they were all Angels, made acting debut in episode of "She Spies" along with Kennedy and Eckstein. Played the role of "douchebag #1."
7. Adam Kennedy 2B - author is confident that Cardinal fans will still think the 3 year $10 million contract was a good idea by the All Star Break
8. Yadier Molina C - wears cutoff jean shorts under his uniform
9. Kip Wells P - training to be a cage fighter [also lost 18 games with the Pirates in 2005, don't tell the Cardinals upper management]
Monday, April 23, 2007
Last season, the Reds finished with a 9-6 season record against the eventual world champions, which by proxy, makes the Reds last year's best team. Through eighteen games this year, St. Louis (8-10) trails the Reds (9-10) by 1 game in the win column. Following the outstanding offense from this most recent homestand, St. Louis (.238) was able to displace the Reds (.228) for second lowest cumulative team batting average but they have fewer home runs and runs scored (in 1 fewer game). But, as we all know, the Cincinnati offense is saving up for something. The author predicts a three game explosion in St. Louis. Join the author in welcoming the newest Cardinals, give them a punch in the groin next time you're in St. Louis.
Randy Keisler - awarded Most Handsome Man in America. Stats from 2005 season with Cincinnati are 2-1 in 24 games with a 6.27 ERA. Maybe he's not that bad of guy afterall.
Russ Springer - while his hatred for Barry Bonds is certainly admirable, author is pretty sure he's an asshole.
Ryan Franklin - author loves this acquisition. One of the few players on steroids whose natural inability was able to combat against any potential benefit of the juice.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Or else, look for Krivsky to jumpstart the offense with a package deal of Dunn and Griffey for some middle relievers and solid defenders. That's the only way they're going to stay in this race.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Hey Reds fans, I'm Ken Griffey Jr. here to remind you to take a strong armed approached to your health--beat the flu with plenty of fluids and bedrest! And Gooooo Reds!
The offense was too cool to do much again, managing only a Gonzalez double before the 9th. Griffey missed his second straight game with a mystery illness. But the bullpen was back to being less terrible. Big Frucking Nasty pitched a scoreless inning and Cooter got his first major league victory. Everyone remembers their first time. And the author is not going to forget Kyle Lohse who gave up a single unearned run over seven. Outstanding work by Kyle and his little goatee. If you're not careful we're going to expect this every time out. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Friday, April 20, 2007
1. Jimmy Rollins SS - has an offseason job repairing small household appliances
2. Shane Victorino RF - originally proposed the idea that the Phillie Phanatic drive around the field on a maintenance truck and shoot an extendable hotdog from his crotch
3. Chase Utley 2B - first name is a verb
4. Pat Burrell LF - hates Philadephia fans as much as they hate him, which turns out to be very little
5. Greg Dobbs 1B - led Major Leagues with 56 home runs and 149 Rbis last season. Zing!
6. Wes Helms 3B - Hobbies: Computers and landscaping
7. Aaron Rowand CF - defensive liability, but makes up for it with his offensive capabilities
8. Carlos Ruiz C - ham radio enthuist
9. Jon Leiber P - offseason trade fell through when Washington requested additional players in exchange for Christian Guzman
Thursday, April 19, 2007
That has to be it, because losses this discouraging don't usually start until closer to the end of summer. Narron, I'm on to you.
Woody hails from Hanover, Indiana, where he was voted the smartest student in school. He and his childhood sweetheart, Beth Curtis, were also voted "Couple Most Likely to Explode," as they were both obese at the time. In 1985 he moved to Boston to meet up with his penpal, Nicholas Colasanto. Upon arrival, he was devistated to learn Colasanto's death. The grieving, however, was short lived as by the end of the day Woody had assumed Mr. Colasanto's position as bartender at the tavern Cheers. For eight years, he entertained the bar patrons with his naivity and small town sensabilities. Over the course of his employment, he became acting spokesperson for Veggie Boy vegetable beverage, but was terminated after the product was discontinued [Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Kale...has America gone mad], was elected to Boston City Council, and became first aquaited with Kelly Gaines. His relationship to Ms. Gaines seemed unlikely to last due to demographic differences as well as pressure from the persistent Frenchman, Henri, and his fervent pursuit of Ms. Gaines. But the two persevered, were wed and last we heard, Kelly was expecting the couples' first child.
This is really a very nice story, but not something that will help him defeat the Reds. Too bad you weren't from French Lick, Woody, that's where winners are bred.
And so long Chad Moeller. You brandished a pretty good butterfly knife.
*Update: Moeller cleared waivers and accepted an assignment to Louisville, so maybe we'll see him again. This is positive news.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Last time out, he only lasted four innings and gave up a season high five earned runs, but was bailed out when the offense scored six runs in the sixth against the fabulously terrible Chicago Cubs. He's not going to tell you that he was bothered by the flu he developed after stalking and killing one of the live monkeys he had introduced to the land behind his house to help him stay in better shape during the season. It's just one of the little things he does to make himself a better baseball player. Next time he promises to wear a parka.
Tonight, he's not only planning on dominating the Astros [a team he was 4-0 with a 2.76 ERA in four starts against last season] but afterwards, because he cares so much about the community, he's wrestling an African rhinoceros on the outfield grass.
The winner will not be Aaron or the rhinoceros, but the City of Cincinnati. If Aaron wins the three round match, everyone in attendance will receive a coupon for a free 3-Way Chili, Skyline Chili's signature dish [steaming spaghetti, covered with our original, secret-recipe chili and topped with a mound of shredded cheddar cheese], which if you haven't had it, is out of this world. If the rhinoceros wins [not bloody likely], all in attendance will walk out of the GAB with a punch card good for 8 of Skyline Chili's Cheese Coneys. And did we mention, Aaron's paying. Now get youself to the game, root for Aaron Harang, and bring home some of the official chili or chili covered products of the Cincinnati Reds*!
*The audience may not actually receive complimentary chili product(s) because promotion is not entirely, or in any way, truthful. Sorry, the author knows that chili's crazy good.