Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Reds Disappoint Me, and I Guess Other Fans Too 6-3

Nothing like a loss to the Nationals to really put an end to any team pride. Livingston held the potent Nats offense scoreless before failing to record an out in the 5th. That inning included not only a single allowed to Nook Logan but a walk to D'Angelo Jimenez. That is simply unforgivable. If you have to throw it up there underhand, there is never a reason that D'Angelo should have the bat taken out of his hands. The offense, with the notable exception of David Ross, was relatively quiet, despite the 12 hits.

Now tomorrow,and I can say this strongly enough, these are the Nationals and the Reds should beat the Nationals. Please.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Lohse Traded To Phillies For Retired NBA Player

The Reds said so long to Kyle Lohse and his little goatee today. He was shipped to the Phillies for what appears to be a moderate prospect, Matt Maloney. The author remembers him as the white guy who used to play for the Houston Rockets when they were winning titles with Glyde and the Dream. And if memory serves, even after he was past his prime he could still bust in NBA Live. So, if anyone was wondering whether the author could possibly be any nerdier, there you go.

Actually, this Matt Maloney is a little taller than the NBA superstar but doesn't throw all that hard. He's labeled as a trickster, a no good trickster, by the scouting reports I've read. The author can't even count the number of times he's heard Dr. Tiffee talk about how he loves to see a big guy tossing salad. Looks like he's in luck. While the Reds Rocket will miss Lohse's consistency, it was probably his time to get the hell out of here. The author welcomes Maloney's future arm problems.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Reds Trade Adam Dunn For the Rights to Christy Mathewson's Corpse

With the trade deadline looming and the Reds' chances of making the playoffs markedly less then previously predicted, the author fondly remembers the trades and waiver acquisitions of previous deadlines. Wait the Orioles are willing to give up Juan Guzman and all they ask in return is B.J. Ryan? Shit yeah, pull the trigger. That jeri curl's going to be dripping all over that 1999 custom Reds World Series jersey. Should they be moved, Adam Dunn, Jeff Conine, Scott Hatteberg, David Weathers, [hopefully pile of trash, I mean very effective late inning reliever] Mike Stanton, Kyle Lohse, and perhaps even Griffey, should hope to be included in such a transaction. Welcome over-valued middle relievers.

Due to the author's lack of both the time and mental capacity, the list will only go back five years or so. With the exception of last season and 2002, the Reds were always in the business of selling. So, let's take a look:

July 11: Traded Juan Encarnacion, Wilton Guerrero, Ryan Snare to Marlins for Ryan Dempster.
August 14: Traded Pedro Feliciano, Elvin Andujar, Raul Gonzalez and Brady Clark to the New York Mets for Shawn Estes and cash.
Conclusion: Reds finish six games under and 19 games behind the Cardinals. Dempster was god awful but the author once saw a fan wearing a shirt which said "I [heart sign] Estes' Testes," which makes it all worth it.

July 30: Traded Jose Guillen for Aaron Harang, Joe Valentine, Jeff Bruksch
July 30: Traded Scott Williamson to the Boston Red Sox for Phil Dumatrait and Tyler Pelland.
July 31: Traded Aaron Boone to New York for Brandon Claussen, Charlie Manning, and cash
August 21: Traded Scott Sullivan to the Chicago White Sox for Tim Hummel and cash.
Conclusion: Dumatrait and Pelland are in AAA and Harang has been choking the opposition into submission for three seasons but the rest of the "propects" give the author pains in my brain which makes it hard to live.

July 30: Traded Todd Jones and Brad Correll to the Philadelphia Phillies for Josh Hancock and Andy Machado.
August 9: Traded Cory Lidle to the Philadelphia Phillies for Javon Moran, Joe Wilson and Elizardo Ramirez.
Conclusion: With the exception of Hancock eating himself out of town, Ramirez's 4-9 record with a 5.37 ERA last season remains the most notable accomplishment

July 23: Traded Joe Randa to the San Diego Padres for Justin Germano and Travis Chick.
Conclusion: both players were traded last season and have the opportunity to become very Joe Randa-esque.

July 6: Traded Travis Chick to Seattle Mariners for Eddie Guardado.
July 13: Traded Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Ryan Wagner to the Washington Nationals for Gary Majewski, Royce Clayton, Bill Bray, Brendan Harris, and Daryl Thompson.
July 31: Traded Justin Germano to the Philadelphia Phillies for Rheal Cormier.
July 31: Traded Zach Ward to the Minnesota Twins for Kyle Lohse.
August 7: Traded Zac Stott to the Philadelphia Phillies for Ryan Franklin and cash.
Conclusion: Daryl Thompson had better be star

The enjoyable part of the trade deadline is that you never know who's going to become the next Brad Correll or Joe Valentine. It's not every day that you trade for a guy who loses a testical in the garbage disposal, or whatever it is Valentine is known for other than being shitty. And with Wayne Krivsky manning the helm, I'm really, pretty certain that none of the acquisitions will be as bad as the ones last season. I have read upwards of 45 updates regarding Eddie Guardado's return from rotator cuff surgery. That's something you don't anticipate when your team acquires an aging reliever. Which, if you were wondering, he appears to have suffered another setback in his rehab. Keep him in your prayers. And Krivsky, don't forget to take your brain medicine.

*The picture above is of course Guzman, post-Soul Glow, for whom the Reds traded Jacobo Sequea and B.J. Ryan to further their 1999 stretch run. They lost in a one game playoff to the Mets.

Reds Get Jorge Cantu.Yes!

Yesterday the Reds acquired Jorge Cantu and Shaun Cumberland from the D-Rays for Calvin Medlock and Brian Shackelford. This is the first of what is presumed to be several trades before the deadline and Krivsky seems to have outdone himself. Just look at that picture to the and tell me you don't see the future face of the franchise.

Cantu, as we will remember, is just two seasons off hitting 28 bombs and driving in 117. Sure, he's been garbage since but with the organizational pitching depth the Reds have, they can go ahead and move interesting arms like Medlock to take a chance on a middle infielder who washed out of the Devil Rays organization. Sure they seem to like Phillips at second, but the author has finally gotten on board that Encarnacion needs to see less playing time. He's 24 and does stupid things that young players do, I think it's time the team heads in another direction. What better candidate than Cantu, who is a major liability at second, the make the shift to third? While the author will hate to lose character guys like Shackelford, the Louisville Bats eagerly await the arrival of Jorge Cantu. Wayne Krivsky, you've done it again.

Zambrano's Lunacy Overpowers Reds, 6-0

The Reds did not look too great against everyone's favorite switch-hitting pyscho. Big Z not only made every pitch he needed to, but went 3 for 4 at the plate. Even after taking a Freel grounder off his instep, his rage was enough to carry him into the 8th and by that time the Reds' offense had already decided against getting any hits. So, after a very promising beginning to the series, Cincinnati dropped the last two and helped the Cubs get within a half game of the Brewers. The author would rather see a team comprised of nothing but Joseph Stalin clones make the playoffs before the Cubs. Though the author is pretty sure the Reds are still going to win the division, maybe the Brewers could start playing a little better just in case.

Yesterday, Harang took off after the 1st citing pains in his back. When he was lifting that bus over his head to save the child who had wandered into the street, he forgot to lift with his legs. The author wishes a swift recovery to the pitching staff overlord. The team takes a breather tomorrow before heading to Washington to take on the Crapinals. Then on to Pittsburgh. The author remembers a similar schedule earlier in the season at the Great American Ballpark. Those games seem to be blocked out of the memory for some reason, must be because the Reds played so well they just don't stick out. Lets win all of those games.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Reds Get All Crazy and Shit, Beat Cubs 5-4

The author will take a win over the Cubs before just about any other and that was an especially nice one last night. Chicago's playing good baseball, they're only two back of the Brewers to start the day and then they come all the way back to tie it against the Reds' ordinarily reliable closer only to lose in the bottom half of the 9th. The author could ask for a better ending. That play by Freel and Ross to get that schmendrick Jacque Jones was one of the better plays I've seen out of the Reds this season. Maybe the Reds will win every game for the rest of the season in their last at bat.

Arroyo pitched another good ballgame. The author has mixed emotions about the trade rumors. He may get fetch a good price in this market but then who's going to rock it like a magicist? And Eddie, for one thing what are you even doing in the lineup, and since you are playing what are doing playing well? Several nice plays at third, a monster bomb, then a late hit of the game winning variety. The author actually prefers to see you in the lineup. Let's keep up the good work out there club, how about another win today? Reds! Reds! Reds!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Reds Win on Strength of Valentin's Boiler, 5-4 in 10

For the second time this week, Javier Valentin provided the winning margin with an extra innings basehit. It's the type of play you'd expect from the owner of such a high quality moustache. But of course there'd be no Latin-tinged celebration this afternoon without Norper's double to lead off the ninth, followed by Hatteberg making Yakima, WA proud. The author would say, if given the option, that hits that are either late in the game or come with runners are on base are preferable over not doing said things. But that's just one opinion. Part of what Mackanin has brought to the team is a new mindset. From a recent team meeting: "Now I know this may come of something of a surprise, but our fans would actually prefer it if we won baseball games and, now stay with me here, wins are more likely to result when we don't play poorly." It's a whole new way of thinking.

Another nice outing by Livingston, but Saarloos and Coffey will do that to you. You'll have to sort it out with them. Saarloos is working on the most consecutive batters faced without recording an out. If he gets to 20 it activates a performance clause in his contract. Good luck Kirk. And apparently, Big Frucking Nasty is on the trading block. While the author could hate to lose the "2006 Most Handsome Man in the Bullpen", I think he will make some team very frucking happy. He can veto a trade to any team which doesn't have a Burger King in the ballpark. And welcome back Junior. No pop-ups to the infield today? Some might argue that it takes more ability to pop up every time than it does to hit the ball well. The author is one of those people, he's made his point, now it's time to get that average back up to where it should be. The Reds Rocket arch-nemises in tomorrow, let's beat them out of contention so Zambrano can go back to murdering teammates and burying them under the infield in peace. He can't focus with all this publicity. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Reds Eat Whole Sandwich, 7-3

Pretty nice game by the Reds this evening, got some hits, bullpen wasn't especially shitty, and Lohse got the win. It's like everyone has a giant hoagy roll, filled with the meat and dairy of your choice. Jeff Keppinger, big hit. Jeff Suppan has outstanding stuff. And hey Pedro, get well soon, never feels good to take one off the dome. The author expects to see you upright, not vomiting blood in no time. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Mr. Red Knows the Dangers of Alcohol

Reds Lose But Author Finds Picture of Pumpkin Throwing Up, 5-3 Brewers

If there's anything the author knows about pumpkins its that they can't hold their liquor. The author had planned to make some pretty obvious joke about Prince Fielder hitting a triple [because he's large and in charge, it would have been a very good joke], but this picture came up and the author's not going to miss that sort of opportunity. Also, you'll notice that the unreadably small boxscore is accented with a sharp blue box on the left side. This blog is always changing to appeal to a wider audience. In the last reader poll, "more blue boxes" was right behind "more pictures of Dick Pole" and "less of the author's commentary" on the list of things to make the Reds Rocket a reliable perveyor of information.

The Reds showed a little heart tonight, getting within 1 run in the 8th before Stanton crapped it back up to 2. Dunn hit a home run and Hatteberg reappeared at the top of the batting order and got a couple of hits. He's up their for his legs, I think the term is fleet of foot. B-Lizzle looked like he's ready for Phil Dumatrait to take his spot in the rotation, now that Bailey's on the shelf [or maybe Livingston, he sure can swing that bat]. We'll all recall that Dumatrait came over with Tyler Pelland in the 2004 deal which sent Scott Williamson to the Red Sox. The author had always liked Williamson since he threw at the opposition, starting a brawl, in the Pioneer League Championship. That's when their guard is down. Perhaps that's the type of deal we can look forward to this trade deadline, a guy we like for 2 guys we don't like [or maybe just like a little less]. Reds look take on Super Suppan tomorrow, the author is very close to guaranteeing a win. How about a late lead and a bullpen meltdown? Nice three innings Gosling.

Monday, July 23, 2007

We Remember You Grant Balfour, Reds Win in 12, 2-1

While some people may not hold any ill will towards a player whose time with a team was limited by injury, something which would seem to be out of their control, this side does hold grudges. The author remembers Balfour's acquisition last season, the seemingly attractive relief option from Minnesota, only to see him pitch a total of zero innings with the big club. Nice season Grant. It all came back around in the 12th tonight where the Reds won it when Valentin walked the team off with a rope to right. Our pal Grant retired the same number of people tonight as he did last season for Cincinnati, which seems fair.

Apparently, the team is only interested in beating teams who are over .500, which is admirable. Though they did beat the Marlins in the first game, that's four in a row over what we'll call good teams, though, really Atlanta may not qualify. Tonight, Harango was as sharp as that chin-strap beard pictured above, going a solid ten innings in honoring my request not to see the charlatans for a while. But, as stated, this offense isn't going to reward you when you do things like give up home runs to Ryan Braun. Builds character. The offense will have to be a little better tomorrow without Harang on the mound, the performace against Capuano was not encouraging. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Reds Play Pretty Poorly, 9-3

The huge losses following a modest winning streak appear to be linchpin for this year's Cincinnati Reds squad. They win 4 straight, then look terrible for three. The author couldn't even bring himself to comment on yesterday's game, Byung-Yung Kim looked pretty dominating and that should never happen.

Today, was similarly frustrating, the Reds seemed to have a runner on third with less than 2 outs every inning against Vanden Hurk but just couldn't get them in. Or when they did get a two-out hit, D. Ross was getting thrown out at the plate. While today's game was very nice by Jeff Keppinger, the author's not certain he should be the only source of offense. Maybe someone in the middle of the order could get a couple of hits. Maybe the one who is a certain first ballot Hall of Famer, who ran the team out of a potentially big inning yesterday, before the bullpen implosion. The author is still hoping to see a Big Frucking Nasty-Saarloos knife fight this season. "That's all Saarloos can stand you red-headed bastard."

Anyway, the team heads home tonight, far away from those evil-spirited fish, to take on the Brewers tomorrow. The first place Brewers, words which have never gone together, at least in that order. So, we are, of course, predicting a sweep. Capuano can't pitch in the second half, even if he had a unsuccessful first. Pick things up tomorrow team, how about no more bullpen for a couple days?

Friday, July 20, 2007

Reds Streak Ends in Spectacular Fashion, 10-2

The Marlins gave it back to the Cincinnati team tonight. Kyle Lohse did all he could to stay with the Reds or at least ensure that he will get a very low price should he be traded. He likes Cincinnati and he and his 12 losses would like to remain. So, Krivsky you'll just have to deal with that. Tomorrow, things look up as Byung-Yung Kim is on the mound for the fish and we all know that none of his 10 pitches equate to consistent outs. Additionally, Ricky Stone should not ever be allowed to enter a game again.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Fortunately Fish Only Have a 7-Second Memory, Reds Win Late 7-5

While the author is pretty sure that the 7-second memory thing was said about a gold fish [after someone commented what a miserable existence swimming around in a bowl must be, stupid hippie] it probably applies to marlins as well. While it's probably longer than 7 seconds, it can't be any longer than a minute, tops. Tomorrow, they will have forgotten all about Ryan Freel, that's right, the leadoff hitter with all the head injuries, kicking them down a flight of stairs.

The author will admit that some times around these parts we're a little hard on Ryan Freel. I like that he runs as fast as he can everywhere and dives head first into the outfield fence but sometimes his play can be a little, we'll say frustrating. And announcers love to make excuses, even following the most mindless play, "that's just Ryan Freel, he'll give you everything he's got. You've got to take the great with the terrible." Normally the author would prefer good over the manic highs and lows. Tonight though, it all came together for him. He made a too sweet diving catch to take a hit away from Cabrera, stole a base, then got three hits including what turned out to be the game winner off of Armando "Didn't I Used to be Good" Benitez. So, the author takes it all back, Ryan Freel, it's a pleasure to have you on the Reds, is it too late to start talking extension? With a runner on first and two outs, of course you should lay out and risk the ball rolling to the wall. Griffey's at the plate, steal third, I insist. Turns out the author had you all wrong. So, nice win tonight team, or should I say Ryan Freel. Four straight, let's make it five tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Meet the Marlins

The fine gentleman pictured to the left is Marlin Brown. In addition to being the namesake of the Florida Marlins, he also owes a little over $14,000 in back child support. The author found his picture when searching for the word "marlin" on some website dedicated to making people care for their kids, no matter how big of a pain in the ass it is. Believe me, the author knows, Marlin. You're keeping it real by not paying for those damn kids.

Today, the Reds begin three days with the Marlins in front of about 10 fans. The author had assumed that Florida would have a pretty solid team this year, because they were decent last year and all of those young players should have improved for this season. But the team is in fourth in the East [which would be third in the Central] and the players feelings have been hurt by how little interest the locals have in leaving the beach and watching some crummy baseball. The Marlins have a 20-28 record at home and a winning record on the road, so looks like the team prefers to make their out of town company comfortable by playing poorly at their own park. Suits the Reds just fine. Remember the team you just took three from, the Braves, are better than the Marlins, let's keep that up. Here is the Fish starting lineup:

1. Hanley Ramirez SS - recently gave a talk entitled "Finding Treasures With God", the treasure is a bag of Funions. Hanley is very thankful.

2. Dan Uggla 2B - invented a sport in highschool called sac-wrangling

3. Miguel Cabrera 3B - strictly adheres to trainer's directive to eat "no fewer than three Whoppers" daily, can I get those with heavy ketchup, heavy mayo

4. Mike Jacobs 1B - he's sorry but your comments just made him lose his appetite

5. Josh Willingham LF - keeps trying to get other members of the team to take a crap on his stomach. He's from the old school where there is no better way to build team moral than public defication
6. Jeremy Hermida RF - his favorite part about spring is burying all the people he killed durng the winter

7. Miguel Olivo C - once got thrown out of a game for calling an umpire a "blood fart". It's complementary in Spanish

8. Alfredo Amezaga CF - named after Alfredo Griffin
9. Sergio Mitre P - his goatee smells like a rosemary bush

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

If Brandon Phillips Wanted Your Opinion, He'd Beat it Out of You, Reds Sweep 5-4

The author decided not to search out another picture of a broom, now that sweeps during the Mackanin administration are becoming so common. Reds needed a little extra time today to disappoint the locals, but they eventually sent them home angry enough to murder their dog(s). Not often that a team can put together 18 hits and lose or, maybe more frustrating, fail to score off Kirk Saarloos for nearly three innings.

B. Phill was a late addition to the game but made his seven innings of relief of Keppinger at second productive. He awarded Larry Jones the honorary handicapped parking spot for the day when Chipper was frozen by the catch Phill made at second and doubled the Braves out of the 11th. Then he knocked in a couple of runs in the top of the 15th to teach Bobby Cox a lesson about walking Hatteberg to get to him. If you didn't watch the game and weren't reminded of it 40 times, he is from Atlanta. Can't disappoint Great Aunt Brandina, she came all the way from Nacoochee to see him do that lean everyone's been talkin' bout.

Reds are off to Florida tomorrow to play some large fish. Hopefully the Marlins trade Cabrera before the team arrives. Got to sell while the value is high, it looks likes he's made a bet to see if he can't gain 30 pounds as a professional athlete during the season. Nice sweep of a quality team, let's keep it up tomorrow versus Serge and the fish. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Nice Try Stankton, Charlatan, Reds 6-5

The author realizes that the Braves may currently be closer to the top of their division than the Reds and that Mike Stanton spent the beginning of his career with the Tomahawks, but that shit you pulled tonight man, not cool. The author's on to you Stankton. If you can't hide your Braves loyalty under your mullet, at least pitch well for the next couple of weeks so that the team can unload you for some guacamole dip from a contender. The author thinks we'd all be happier that way.

That aside, nice second win over the Atlantans tonight. Arroyo looked sharp over his seven, I think someone flipped the switch on his back from "terrible" to "effective starter". The offense, which usually prefers to make Arroyo earn all of his wins, gave him six tonight. All of them coming with two outs, which if you watch the Reds play baseball, you'll know doesn't happen very often. Daggum Ross even got a couple of hits, including his 3rd double of the season, which in 225 at bats is astounding. Daggum don't care for two-base hits. Also, as always, congratulations to Jeff Keppinger for not only pretending to be a shortstop for the night but for making contact [and driving in the first two runs] and walking in the 6th to let Junior take his swings. You've got Juan Castro's roster spot, should he get healthy, written all over you. Harang on the mound tomorrow as the Reds drink all the firewater. The author will be sad when this visit is over, and not just for the colorful language the Atlanta mascot encourages. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Reds On the War Path, Reds 10-3

Reds were pretty impressive tonight against the Bravos. Bobby Livingston demonstrating his distaste for Native American heritage by pitching five pretty good innings in picking up his second win but also going 4 for 4 at the plate. Wouldn't be surprised to see him get some at bats for Daggum Ross late in upcoming games, if he gets to stick around, which he probably won't. The author read on the official site that the 4 for 4 performance was the first by a Reds pitcher since John Smiley. That's some lofty company. Who do you think had fresher salad, Livingston or Smiley? Watch out radar gun here comes some 87 mph gas. Griffey passed Robinson to move into sole possession of 6th on the all time home run list with a bomb off Villareal in the 3rd, he drove in four for the game. Eddie also had a nice game and the author is always careful not to forget Jeff Keppinger, nice first RBI of the season.

Now, the author vaguely remembers an outburst like this last series in Flushing. Then the offense followed it up by scoring 3 runs total the next two games. So, lets not do that again this series. The Braves are sending Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo out to the hill tomorrow to make his second career start and Arroyo has been pretty good for about a month, you put those two together and you've got yourself a pretty good chance to win, assuming the team scores more than zero runs. The author predicts a big game at the plate from Pedro Lopez, that boy's dangerous. Nice win tonight team. Reds! Reds! Reds!

I Say Yeah, Yeah, Yeah Atlanta, Got to Get Back to You

Reds continue the traveling salvation show today in Atlanta, a place that they haven't been particularly successful in recent years, due mainly to the Braves having better teams. Not the case this year. Smoltz is on the shelf with a serious case of oldness, Kyle Davies is awful, and we all saw what happened to Tim Hudson during the second half of last season. Tonight, in recognition of their illustrious visitors, the Braves are handing out Braves nacho cheese sauce, it's maize flavored. Bobby Nutsack got another call from Louisville to make the spot start, no reason not to be excited about that. We'll all recall that last time he was very effective, let's see some more of that tonight. So everyone drink your firewater, shoot those boomsticks up in the air and celebrate the many moons since the Great Spirit granted us the Cincinnati Reds. Here is the Atlanta starting lineup:

1. Yunel Escobar 2B - producto de Cuba

2. Edgar Renteria SS - hates Cubans

3. Chipper Jones 3B - has a real knack for catching syphilis

4. Andrew Jones CF - only wears clothing which matches the color of fish found in the lakes of Georgia

5. Jeff Francouer RF - knows many ways to skin a cat and eat it

6. Matt Diaz LF - first name is pronounced "Mate" to respect his family's heritage

7. Brian McCann C - favorite color is periwinkle

8. Matt Saltalamacchia 1B - has 8 members of his family named Guido

9. Kyle Davies P - not related to either brother from the Kinks but has an interesting story which closely mirrors the song "Lola"

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Lohse Not Particularly Impressive, Mets 5-2

Reds offense continued the struggles today against Oliver Perez. That's right, that Oliver Perez. Way to ruin the last day of my weekend which, since I don't work, is not really that big of a deal. But never the less, pretty subtastic performance today. Dunn hit an absolute rocket which was pretty much the highlight on the day, unless you like watching David Ross strike out with runners on base, which this website does. So, maybe there were a few highlights.

Reds continue the road trip against above average teams from the East in the lost city of Atlanta tomorrow. That's some airport down there. Send the author a post card from the Coca-Cola factory and play a little better.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Don't You Hate that Shawn Green? Mets 2-1

The Reds Rocket would like to welcome Shawn Green to the black list and it's not just because he's the Jewish spokesperson for MLB [though it doesn't help...I kid, I kid] but because of the broken bat bloop that led to the Mets' first run in the 6th and then again for that hit in the 8th. Though, the author assumes, since crippling pollen allergies and late lung development prohibited participation in all outdoor sports, that the reaction of the opposition the second they realize that great pitch is going to drop in front of their right fielder who has no throw, would be pretty great. Great pitch hoss...okay get under that.......come in, the ball's in front of you....Get under that! Dirty son of a bitch. But when it's Shawn Green, come on, New York fans don't even like to see him succeed.

While the author did enjoy Delgado getting booed at home, not too many positives of which to speak tonight. Phillips provided the offense with a bomb in the second, as Glavine was pretty impressive. Maybe some of those other clowns could consider getting a hit once in a while. But tomorrow we have rotational savior Kyle Lohse, he loves pitching after losses, versus old friend Oliver Perez, who we all know is about the worst pitcher in the Major Leagues.

And a belated welcome to Pedro Lopez, who's name sounds like it was the first Spanish-sounding one that came to mind. Nice work at short in the absence of Gonzalez due to an ailing child. The author will include your pretty face in the next post.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Phillips Tells Mets to Turn Around and Show Him That Fat Ass, Reds 8-4

What a nice photo the people from Getty Images [remember, that since there is no financial gain from this website, no need to do anything silly like prevent me from infringing your copyright] have provided of B. Phillips after his first and biggest hit of the night. Mets "ace", now that Oliver Perez and Jorge Sosa are on the DL, John Maine put the first three Reds on base, then Phillips brought them all home with a grand salama. He was leaning more than usual as he circled the bases. He added two more hits and two more ribs to finish 3 for 5 with 6 driven in. That's some big time Atlanta lean.

And, as we all know, with Harang on the mound, that's all you need. Especially since all that hoopla regarding the hiring of the one and only Rickey Henderson as hitting coach concluded with the Mets deciding the hotel heir, Howard Johnson [HOJO!], was the proper choice. No way the Mets are going to make up a deficit like that, even with a home run by a guy name Lastings. Reds win in convincing fashion, hard to bet against them tomorrow, for any of you who are on the fence. The author certainly is not. Reds > Mets. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Mets Play A Little Better Than Reds, 3-2

With Hamilton on the shelf after injuring himself swinging a bat in the on deck circle, Reds fans get to enjoy at least two weeks of Ryan Freel in center. That should equal about 30 two-out dives for balls that are out of his reach. He's just got too much heart not to take the chance to lose the game, when he could just field the ball and strand the runner at third. Enjoy fans.

It's too bad that the Reds offense has such disdain for Arroyo, because he pitched pretty darn well last night. He did not begin the game strongly, giving up back to back home runs to Reyes and Gotay to lead off the game. Something which had never happened before, in the Mets history. But after putting his name in the record books, Bronson was efficient with his pitches and threw seven effective innings. And how about Jared Burton? With runners on second and third with one out in a one-run game, who do you want on the mound? The Rule 5 draftee, fresh off the DL, of course. But he got Lo Duca and Lastings Milledge and gave Brandon Phillips the opportunity to hustle himself out of an opportunity to win. Despite the setback, the author is confident the Reds will rebound with Harang on the mound today, and will take the series 3-1. Very confident. Don't dive today Freel.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


The Reds open up the second half of the season today in the Windy Apple versus the New York Mets. The Mets are currently in first place in the East but have seen their lead dwindling of late, further so after the Reds hit town. Arroyo's got his work cut out for him if he's going to keep the interest of all the dipshits busy getting their pictures taken with Mr. Met. Hey guy, Mr. Met loves denim shorts.

The Mets are always an interesting team to watch, especially when they are playing poorly, like they're doing now. It doesn't really make sense with an offense like this[look everyone, it's Shawn Green]. Reyes has remained a pain in the ass when he gets on base but the middle of the order has not done a lot of anything. And remember, the pitching staff is made up of old men [one Cuban, one not] one pretty good young guy [who hopefully is tired from that long trip to San Francisco] and depending upon who's healthy, Dave Williams/Jorge Sosa/Oliver Perez. The second and third members of the terrible trio have fooled fans so far this season, but it's coming, the meltdown that is, you wait New York. In about a month, you'll hate Sosa and Perez just like everyone else. Again, Perez was run out of Pittsburgh, remember that. That'll be about the time you come begging for Kyle Lohse, sorry off the table. He's too important to the Cincinnati staff. Anyway, big win tonight Reds. Here is the predicted starting lineup for the Metropolitans:

1. Jose Reyes SS - his bat's name is Sidney Goldstein

2. Paul LoDuca C - thinks that the Dane Cook is the right man to stimulate interest in a national advertising campaign for baseball. That guy's hilarious

3. Carlos Beltran CF - voted into the All Star game solely based upon his macaroni salad

4. David Wright 3B - during the filming for those commercials for the United Way taught that little girl how to "shut her mouth while David Wright is acting."

5. Carlos Delgado 1B - narrates his own life, Ross is likely to hear about his inability to focus at the plate due to the intense burning sensation suffered during urination

6. Jose Valentin 2B - nickname is "Dogshit"

7. Shawn Green RF - spent the All Star break on the road with a country singer, a truck driver, and an orangutan

8. David Newhan LF - compared to an aging Mike Kingery

9. Orlando Hernandez P - throws a variety of pitches, the most notable of which being the Orlando Hernandez turdball

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Looks Like Reds Will Have to Win World Series Without Home Field Advantage, AL 5-4

The Midsummer "Classic" ended a little while ago, with the American League taking their, according to Joe Buck [which is as good as fact], 10th consecutive game. The fans treated Barry Bonds like he's not a total asshole and a Japanese guy was awarded with the MVP. Soriano, Crawford and Martinez hit balls out of the park and we got to see just how short Brian Roberts is. Seriously, looked like exhumed corpse of Billy Bartee* out there at second. If you needed another reason to leave Aaron Rowand off future All Star teams, you got it in the ninth inning tonight. With his routine fly out to Alex Rios, he's not just letting down the team but the whole league. Way to go Aaron. Fortunately for you, without the heart and soul of the team, Jon Leiber, the Phillies are going nowhere. But for other teams, like the Redlegs for example, this game had at least minor importance.

The inanimate object MVP award was given to the brick in right-center which used a little razzle dazzle to help Suzuki round the bases before Griffey could track down the ball in the 5th. But Griffey had already asserted himself as leader of the team, so no one was questioning his outfield play. Not even know nothing McCarver. Before being lifted for the aforementioned weak link in the chain, Junior had the first two ribs and threw A-Rod out by 30 feet. Pretty solid showing by the Cincinnati contingent. His performance should speak strongly against what had to be a mistaken exclusion of Dunn and Harang and maybe Phillips. It's a travesty that a team, who is only 16 games under .500 at the midseason break, only has one player representing its strong play. Maybe next year the National League manager will use his discretionary power a little more wisely. Tomorrow the team continues the vacation. Encarnacion has a chin-strap beard trimming scheduled and Weathers and Nasty are going to see who can eat the most Jack in the Box tacos without hallucinating. Those things will mess you up. See you guys Thursday.

*Billy Barty was in Willow, among other things, and once spoke at the author's elementary school. The author was sick that day and has stated that if there was one thing that I would do differently it would be not get sick that day.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Scott Hatteberg Beats Reptiles with Bat, 4-3

The author has never been a strong supporter of Yakima, Washington. It's hot and smells like rotting produce, but if all the people there are nice like Hatteberg, I'll have to reconsider. Today, the Reds as a team had 9 hits, with four coming from the leadoff first baseman. He went yard in the first, then won it in the 11th with a long single to left, just out of the reach of Eric Byrnes' sharp-looking haircut. Looks like he's tired of all the late inning losses. Saarloos got a two pitch win, his first of the season. But hey, he'll take that and give Louisville the finger. He's back with the big club and he's not as terrible as we remember, at least not today. The author will take full advantage of the picture of the broom, which was downloaded quite some time ago. A sweep of a pretty good team deserves a picture of a nice affordable broom.

Harang probably deserved number 10 today, but the offense has bailed him out a couple of times this season and its hard to be too rough on Stormy as he's been the one consistent component of the cowpen this season. Harang will probably let him off with a skull fracture rather than a full hemorrhage. Maybe he needs more than an inning to really get going. Though it sure looked like Freel was going to get under Hudson's single in the 9th. No dive? Farney must be on early vacation. The Reds hit the break on a season high 4 game winning streak. Spirits are high. Griffey makes the trip out west and the rest of the club gets to go back on their 14 hour sleep schedule. Like a house cat, you never know when you'll need to be active for an extended period of time. Better to save up while you can. Nice week of baseball club, see you on Thursday in Flushing. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Overcome Coffey's Crumminess, 5-4

For seven innings last night, the author was pretty happy with the teams performance. Then Big Frucking Nasty entered and was big frucking terrible. He didn't record and out and gave up the tying home run to douchebag of great note, Eric Byrnes. But hopefully that did teach Bailey a valuable lesson, you can't give up any runs, despite how well you pitch, if you'd like to get the win. This bullpen just won't let you get away with it. But then in the Reds half of the eighth, NorHo singled up the middle against one of the 15 Tony Penas who are in the major leagues, and we were all proud to be Reds fans again. Yeah Reds! Yeah Norris Hopper!

Last night we also saw the return of a couple of old friends/enemies, Kirk Saarloos and Jared Burton [as well as Mike Stanton off the DL the day before]. And of course Jeff Keppinger, who could forget him. Stanton actually got in the game and pitched very well. Two innings of hitless relief, not too bad Mike. Maybe you really were hurt. On the other hand, the author happened to take a look at Saarloos' numbers at Louisville and they were not a whole lot less awful than they were at Cincinnati. Sure that ERA is at an oustanding 4.30, outstanding for this bullpen anyway, but 22 hits allowed in 14.2 innings? Those hitters probably aren't quite as good as the ones he'll being seeing here shortly. But who knows, maybe he's got that quality salad back. A romaine or maybe some type of spring mix. As a result of those guys' return, we had to say goodbye to Marcus McBeth and Ricky Stone. Stone's arm, as it was critically injured, sadly had to be put to sleep. Looks like it's back to the family and the drywall business. It was a nice story while it lasted. And McBeth will probably be back once he learns how not to give up bloop hits to every batter [and Juan Castro's hurt...quiet cheers].

Anyway, back to last night. Nice win team. How about a sweep so everybody can talk about how Mackanin has got this team turned around to make a second half run. Which they most certainly will. Some guy with a very quality name, Yusmeiro, on the mound today. Let's rough him up. Reds! Reds! Reds!