Saturday, May 31, 2008
The last two nights, the offense has spoiled fans with some uncharacteristic late-inning heart. After Weathers continued his solid relief work by giving up a bomb to Francouer in the 7th, Dunn lead off the 9th by drawing a walk, his third of the night, and Freel entered to pinch run for him. In another, "Freel is there is carbon monoxide leak in the dugout? Wait, that's some solid hustle and a big time play" Farney guided his master past Bryan McCann and tied the game in the 9th. Then Bruce hit a rocket and celebrated his first career home run by being choked out by teammates at home plate. All of this followed Junior's number 599 in the first. Only one more until he can relax and focus on contracting a unusual debilitating disease, which he can spend on his yacht with his very aggressive children. But the three RBIs do leave room for optimism.
Some sad news to pass along, old friend Tom Shearnminator (along with Justin Lehr, who was having a nice season in AAA) were sold to the Orient. Hopefully, they provide Shearn with a car/house that he can park near the ballpark. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
The loss tonight drops Harango's record to 2-7, which is pretty ugly, with an ERA under 4.00. Fortunately, the Foggster has be re-inserted into the rotation to straighten things out.
The offense cooled off considerably, even without Griffey in the lineup. Maybe the rest of the guys rely upon that 0 for 3 with a walk more than they know. Bruce got his first opportunity to hit in the three hole and got his first opportunity to go hitless. Phillips went yard in the 9th and Encarnacion got another day off, this time in favor of Andy Phillips, whose debut was impressive. The Reds Rocket feels that, as always, the best way to break out of a slump is to be held out of the lineup often, based upon little or no reason. Dusty is nothing if not a great strategist. Eddie will just have to wait, it's Andy Phillips time.
Braves arrive tomorrow, pre-scalped. They know what's in store after their jokes and jokes and jokes in Atlanta. Spaghetti.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Hairston, Jr. picked up three hits and Bruce reached base three time in game number two. Two by way of the free variety. And Votto went 3 for 3 with a double. After the six run first inning outburst the offense took 'er easy for the remainder. Disappointingly, Andy Phillips didn't make an appearance, maybe tomorrow. Patterson isn't going to forget this. AAA is no place for a major league talent like Corey Patterson.
On the pitching side, Arroyo looked pretty sharp. He allowed just the three hits over six, then hit the showers early. Then Lincoln, Weathers, and Bray demonstrated that they can pitch effectively after the opposition's spirit has already been broken. Nice job guys. Maybe one of you could save that for the next close game.
Harang lucks out tomorrow, getting matched up against Dumatrait. He showed a remarkable ability to be hittable to everyone last year. Somehow he was able to talk his way into a starting gig in Pittsburgh and has mixed in some control problems this year. Six walks for a guy who didn't strike out that many all last season? He's a real snake in the grass. Sweep tomorrow, no question about it. The team just loves playing in front of the third worst attended stadium in the National League. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
But the big news of the night was Bruce at the plate. He drew two walks and went 3 for 3 when the Pirates allowed him to swing the bat. He did not look overmatched against a starter, Ian Snell, who isn't terrible i.e. Pat Maholm. He even stole a base so that Dusty would get off his back. Speed is the most important aspect of offensive baseball. Grande Burro, who hit a bomb to give the Reds the lead and even took a pitch on the outer half of the plate to left for an RBI, held a post game press conference to announce that Bruce's nickname will be the Little and/or Medium-Sized Donkey (if Little is chosen it could possibly be abbreviated to Lil'). That's a nickname you can set your watch to.
Tomorrow Arroyo and morale is high. We have to hope that Bruce cools off so that Patterson can get back in the lineup. That's the long term plan for a successful ballclub. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Monday, May 26, 2008
In his spring audition Bruce showed that, sadly, he's no Corey Patterson. But, though Patterson's $3 million salary is paid in apple cores and edible tree bark (with incentive clauses for bunts grounded back to the pitcher, first pitches popped up on the infield, and months with an OBP under .250), much to the surprise to everyone in the country, Corey's struggled to get things going. Through 44 games, he's hitting a robust .201/.242/.354 but has managed to keep the bases clog-free with 8 bags in 12 attempts. Those batting numbers are well below the impressive career .256/.295/.411 line we were all expecting coming into the season. Can't win them all.
At the conclusion of Spring Training, Bruce was shipped down to Louisville, mainly to show those fucking nerds what it takes to be a professional baseball player. A top prospect based upon excellent peripherals and pitch selection? That sounds like nerd bullshit to me. I'll bet my Dusty Baker autographed wristbands that the editorial staff at Baseball Prospectus couldn't have made the JV softball team as seniors in high school. They were too busy working on their topographical math charts and reading Shakespeare in the bathroom stall so they didn't have to take a shower with their sweatpants on or, god forbid, reveal their naked bodies in front of the other males. Dusty will be happy to show you where you can store your VORP. Your rectum, you can ball up your complex statistical evaluations and store them there for all he cares. He knows from experience how to transition a player from prospect to superstar. Just ask Corey Patterson and his .256/.295/.411.
The remaining question seems to be where Bruce hits in the order. We know that speed is of utmost importance at the top of a Dusty Baker batting order. Eight bags for the River Bats, is not bad but not great either, especially with that lofty average. If he's hitting leadoff, I want him running every opportunity he gets, regardless of the likelihood of success. Dusty's clubhouse preaches a reckless disregard for the risk involved. It puts pressure on the defense and is the way you win baseball games. So, get your head together, remember that MLB clubhouse managers are expecting more than the $.50 tip you left in Louisville, and ask around and find out which girls have been hanging around Freel's locker. You don't want what they're carrying. You can take that advice from their mouthsores or from the cake.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Coming home brings back so many memories of a giant child trying to fit in amongst the pretty faces in San Diego. Everyone in San Diego appears to be very fit and image conscious. Harang was 6'6" 250 by the time he was in the 6th grade, so he always felt a little uncomfortable at the beach. "If one more person laughs at my swimming trunks I'm going to rip their arms off and throw them in the ocean for the sharks to eat. Then at least we'll both be unhappy. This is the largest bathing suit they sold at J.C. Penney." But he's grown up into a friendly and well-adjusted giant. So, you don't have to fear him anymore, people of San Diego. Except after a performance like last night. Don't lock eyes with him.
The Reds roll into San Diego red hot, fresh off a fine performance in LA. And of course by fine, we mean pretty fine but sort of not fine. But the Padres just happen to be the worst team in baseball, so less than three here would be something of a disappointment. Or just a disappointment. Peavy has a sore arm, Young got hit in the face with a line drive and the offense is sub-Cincinnati. At least Bruce Bochy is enjoying himself in San Francisco. The Giants have got to be a lot of fun this year. At least no one expected anything from them coming into the season.
The best way to start off any series is with Harang and his 36" pythons taking the hill. He'll choke you out, then spit in your face and steal your gold fillings. The offense has had a problem supporting him but has made a conscious effort to show a little effort out there. Hopefully Hairston had plenty of water last night. We'd hate for him to miss any more games on account of being very thirsty. Here's Redsbot's predicted Priest lineup:
1. Jody Gerut CF – proud owner of a locker/outhouse
2. Tadahito Iguchi 2B – he’s the guy who ran off that you thought you saw having sex with your car’s tailpipe in that San Diego parking garage
3. Brian Giles RF – is hoping to become the first president to wear pearls and a pantsuit
4. Adrian Gonzalez 1B – when you say his name three times into a mirror, he appears behind you and asks if he can crash at your place for a while until his wife learns to be a little more open minded
5. Kevin Kouzmanoff 3B – known to teammates as the Chinese Alan Alda
6. Khalil Greene SS – he can bleed on command
7. Scott Hairston LF – fresh off a summer internship at Dairy Queen
8. Josh Bard C – family’s name was changed once his grandparents reached Ellis Island, they were known in the old country as Mr. and Mrs. Sackface
9. Randy Wolf P – will be happy to show you his collection of rare hard boiled eggs
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Hairston Jr. left early after becoming very thirsty. Dusty has put a limit on dugouts peanuts, effective immediately. On to San Diego tonight, win against the, we'll say hapless, Padres tomorrow. That sounds about right.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Last day of the series tomorrow before the team ships off to San Diego. Look for the third game of the series lineup from Dusty. Valentin at short, Bako playing center, and Ross on the mound. Got to keep those guys fresh at all costs.
Monday, May 19, 2008
For the offense, Donkey went deep for the fifth game in a row, which he should continue today. He even added a single and a walk to his game line. And Corey Patterson got back in the starting lineup. If you say that you didn't miss his bat, you are a liar and a scoundrel. I still expect 5 wins off this road trip, unless there are more stops after San Diego, which is possible. I've misplaced my pocket schedule. Matt Belisle today! Set your dials for domination.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Not that the Reds offense is necessarily carrying the team but they have been capable. Phillips has been hitting, Votto hit another bomb, his first of the pinch variety, after getting the day off. Dusty consulted his baseball strategy book from 1965 and got Valentin in there at 1st. A left-handed batter will hit considerably worse against a left-handed pitcher, regardless of how a particular pitcher has fared against lefties in the past. That's why he's the coach. That's my Dusty. And as I stated when he called up, Reds fans can expect Paul Janish to be good for a .205 getting out average. Which is about where he's at hitting .800.
Now onto the pitching staff. Volquez showed Lee who makes the best blueberry crumb cake and also who deserves to have the lowest ERA in the majors. Harang was solid but matched up against Carmona who was selfish with his hittable pitches and Johnny C. had a no-hitter through five before losing interest in effectiveness. All throwers were quite good. The author also notices that the sweep occured after I didn't post anything all weekend, hopefully that's not the key to a Reds sweep (the Marlins didn't count because god's ire wiped out the fourth and final game). We'll assume that a sweep of LA commences tomorrow, regardless of whether I comment.
Get your Dusty Baker managerial jersey and batting gloves set now so that no one calls you bandwagon fan in August. By Dusty's request, all gloves come already smelling like Miller Light. Just like the ones Dusty wears. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Dusty's strategy to give up 6 runs in the 9th so that David Ross could be tested in a high leverage pinch hitting position paid off. Ross hit for Dunn in the 10th, drew a walk, was pinch run for by Johnny Cueto, who scored the winning run. The strategy here has been generally better regarded then his Sunday strategy of allowing Patterson and Ross to bat out of order. That one didn't pay off.
But as we've learned, Dusty is always one step ahead of us. It was important for Cordero to get this blown save out of the way so that he can get back to being a dominant closer. It's just too bad that the meltdown had to come at the expense of Arroyo, who was pretty impressive again. Late last night you could here an extended guitar solo in a minor key leaking out of the home team club house late into the evening. Sweep today, I've got a picture of a broom all queued up. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Fortunately, Jerry Hairston Jr. comes from a long line borderline capable baseball players, so everyone should be very excited to see him take over short for the next 6 to 8 weeks. That .315 average is legit. Paul Janish hops in the back of the watermelon truck leaving Louisville and gets to play backup. Get to know the name, if you don't already. He has the talent to be a legitimate .205 major league hitter. But he does have a nice glove which is worth something to all of us who still have Juan Castro posters hanging in our office. Nice win team, make it three tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Corey Patterson went ca-razy, with 4 hits out of the leadoff spot. His average is now a very respectable .224 and he has passed Michael Bourne and is now the second worst leadoff hitter. Congratulations Corey. Keppinger cooled off with just one hit, but it was a big one, over the left field wall. Two batters later Phillips hit a shot to left. It looked like he was going to spin around like a top and bore into the ground following the swing.
Harang was happy to see some support. Looks like he's not going to have to hold that post-game raffle to see who gets choked into unconsciousness after all. Four runs and a victory is unheard of. Volquez tomorrow, take it to the bank! Reds! Reds! Reds!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Usually, the author looks forward to the arrival of the Marlins as they provide some wins and a relatively low cost. They show up, stink up the joint for about three days, then they get back on the submarine headed for Miami. Your bullpen gets a break and Dusty can get that Patterson, Hairston Jr., Freel outfield back out on the field. Not that I wouldn’t love seeing those guys all out there swinging at the first pitch every at bat.
But, a look at the MLB standings reveals that the Marlins may not be all that bad after all. And that’s with a Mark Hendrickson, Scott Olson, Ricky Nolasco, Andrew Miller and Burke Badenhop starting rotation. Quick, does Ricky Nolasco have a sharp-looking goatee? It turns out that he does, but I didn’t know that before looking at the roster today. More than anything else, it’s the fact that Hendrickson is the number one. Maybe he knows Hatteberg, they were both affiliated with the basketball team at Washington State. Hatteberg was assistant team manager, in charge of towel distribution, and Hendrickson was left handed post player with a limited professional ceiling. Or maybe they weren’t even there at the same time, who can keep track of these things. Anyway, let’s pretend these are the old shitty Marlins, which, in all actuality, they probably are. Here is Redsbot’s lineup:
1. Cody Ross, CF – you would be well advised not to disturb him during his 6th inning siesta
2. Jeremy Hermida, RF – he would be pleased to give you directions to the nearest nice restaurant, Red Lobster
3. Hanley Ramirez, SS – post game apparel: 100% cotton Dockers
4. Jorge Cantu, 3B – old friend, may love horses
5. Dan Uggla, 2B – like Nick Swisher is growing his hair out to benefit someone, however, that person is himself. He drops by the cancer ward twice a week just to check in
6. Luis Gonzalez, LF – amateur rectal photographer
7. Wes Helms, 1B – runs a mackerel cannery, of which he is also a customer
8. Mike Rabelo, C – under hobbies lists ‘staring at the sun’
9. Burke Badenhop, P – not to be confused with any of the other Burke Badenhops listed in your local phonebook
Who knows where that Bronson Arroyo came from. Hopefully he shows up next start but there's no telling. Dusty knows that when your starter's only throwing about 10 fastballs a game, you don't have to trouble yourself with keeping track of pitches. That's a good thing because if he was counting, Arroyo threw a lot of pitches and played an unscheduled rock show afterwards. Dusty has more important things to think about, like those suspicious charges on his Chase credit card. Was that the pornography he purchased? And do you need to aerate your lawn every spring, or just every other. A full, green lawn would certainly be the envy of the neighborhood. Hank Aaron maintains a very nice lawn.
Today's shitparade follows two games where the offense was at least palatable. Keppinger picked up 25 hits over the weekend against one of his old teams and Scott Hatteberg got a chance to play and did not disappoint. Usually the bus just picks him up at the nearest Indian casino on the way out of town. But Dunn's struggles continue and Griffey is slugging in the range of your average house cat. The Manatees swim into Cincinnati tomorrow and even though they've been winning, I'll be disappointed with less than a sweep. And the Reds only disappoint me about 65% of the time. I like those odds.
Friday, May 9, 2008
1. Jose Reyes SS – bitten by a radioactive spider, now has radioactive diarrhea
2. Ryan Church RF – raises and sells pet skunks, de-stinks them himself
3. David Wright 3B – players with less than 2 years major league experience are prohibited from staring at his sandals
4. Carlos Beltran CF – a cardboard cutout of Adam Wainwright keeps him out of your corn field
5. Moises Alou LF – eats green M&M’s every time he needs to come down with moderate knee pain
6. Carlos Delgado 1B – lost a chess match to collie, the dog was of average intelligence
7. Brian Schneider C – trying an experimental drug which will prevent hair loss on his head and hair growth on his forehead
8. Luis Castillo 2B – trying sunflower seed suppositories this season
9. Mike Pelfrey P – was not invited to Mr. Mets’ postgame “get-together”
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The offense was all around productive today. Dunn and Phillips help up the middle of the order's end of the bargain. Then there was Paul Bako and Jerry Hairston Jr., what did I take a timeship back to 2002 when these guys were borderline major league participants? I thought they were both going to be A-ball hitting/bench coaches by midseason. Bako tied his career high with home runs, with 4, and Hairston's average is .345. At least Patterson is comfortable enough with himself where he doesn't feel the need to change himself based upon your opinion of him.
To keep things interesting, Volquez allowed a few runners to reach via the base on balls. It's good practice if he ever has to pitch out of trouble where the game isn't already out of hand. The records room dug up that in his 7 starts the Reds have scored 44 runs. That figure includes the two games (the one he lost and one no decision) where they went scoreless. In Harang's 8 starts, they've scored 22 runs. Looks like Aaron is going to have to stop giving the offense noogies, wedgies and indian burns. Dunn has previously complained about being called "Scrote" in front of the skanks hanging around outside the locker room. But as of now, Volquez has 5 wins and leads the NL in strikeouts and ERA. Maybe you guys should at least give Krivsky a call. Just because he got canned doesn't mean you can't hang out once in a while. It might be a little weird at first but you'll past it.
Griffey picked up a couple of singles but then tried to steal a base with his legs which are classified as legally amputated. Votto got picked off second base with a couple on and that was more or less it. Harang was good again but a two out, two run single to Ronny Cedeno on a quality pitch even when Cedeno is having a good start to the season, is discouraging. Ronny Cedeno is your free out. Volquez on the hill today as the Reds try to take a series. How about that? Win or more trade talk 1/6th of the way into the season.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Dunn continues to show signs that he'd like an expensive contract next season. He hit a hydrogen bomb in the 3rd which makes an even 5 for the season. Keppinger knocked in a couple more when he broke his bat. Griffey stayed in the two hole but decided he'd pick up a hit and then nearly take one out. Felix Pie you and your above average center field defense can rot in hell. Nice to see the effective version of Cueto again and Dusty appears to have done a little growing up since Chicago.
"Hell, he's only thrown a 108 pitches, he's young, run him back out there."
"Whoa there Pitching Coach Dick Pole, let's try and, preserve? Is that the word, preserve his arm so that he will be of value to the team later. Though let's double switch in Patterson."
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Dusty: 'You sure you're not injured, I was talking to my friend, member of the Baseball Hall of Fame Hank Aaron, and he said you're pitching like you're hurt. I wasn't really paying attention, so I'm going to have to take his word for it."'
Arroyo: 'Yeah Skip, I'm pretty sure that I'm just shitty. I need to go for swim, have you seen my goggles?'
Josh Fogg: "Hey Dusty, I was swimming with my sandwich and the bread dissolved and now the cheese tastes like chlorine."
The offense continues to take it easy, not worrying too much about getting on base or scoring runs. Though Freel insists on reaching base, which is just another example of how he just doesn't fit in with this group. He got on base three times today and has his average up around .330. Selfish prick, get Patterson in there. Griffey tried the second spot in the lineup with impressive results (0-9 with 4 K's). Dusty's mixing things up, trying to get to know his players. Look for Bako hitting third tomorrow. Just as long as we get to see plenty of Josh Fogg, I'm happy.
So, the team returns home, scalpless, tomorrow. At least the Indians are struggling, maybe I'll be able to use some of the slurs and Indian stereotypes I've been looking forward writing then. Thanks a lot Reds, looks like you guys forgot to eat your maize.
Friday, May 2, 2008
The Reds hit town at a good time, the Braves have lost four straight and were just swept by the Nationals. Smoltz is on the DL and is talking about going to bullpen when he’s healthy. And Delta is cutting back flights in an attend to save costs. The author predicts the Reds return with with three nice shiny wins. Here’s the Braves’ lineup from Redsbot 5000:
1. Kelly Johnson 2B – has a bumper sticker on his car which reads ‘Panty Dropper’
2. Yunel Escobar SS – 3-time champion of the Cuban National Makeshift Raft Building Competetion. He secret was holding the driftwood together with his own feces
3. Chipper Jones 3B – here’s a guy you may remember hating from all the way back in 1993
4. Mark Teixeira 1B – his businesses include perishable distribution, food processing, public warehousing, transportation logistics and leasing
5. Brian McCann C – wears a size 68 suit, extra fat
6. Jeff Francoeur RF – his name is French for “tuna fish sandwich”
7. Mark Kotsay CF – wants to smother you in chocolate syrup and boogie ‘til the cows come home
8. Matt Diaz LF – runner up in 2007 Donkey Kong World Championships
9. Tim Hudson P – his effectiveness is powered by his uncontrollable rage