Friday, April 30, 2010

Reds Purchase Several Finely Crafted, Hand Made Brooms, Reds 4-2

Reds swept away the A-holes last night behind another fine performance by a starting pitcher, this time Charles Bronson Arroyo. After burdening the bullpen and the rest of the team for the first three weeks of the season, the starters have decided that they have an obligation, under their contracts, to assist the team in winning ballgames. Leake, being the rookie that he is, didn't just ignore the paperwork that was shoved in his face but actually read things over. The rest of the jabronies didn't give it any real consideration.

Arroyo went 6 and a couple of outs last night, with the 6 being real good. No runs and only a couple of hits. But following Votto's two-run shot in the top of the 6th, he starting thumbing it up there which resulted in a couple of hard hit ball. One by Pence left the ballpark and Michael  Bourne drove in the other on a double down the line. Fortunately, that was it. Danny Ray got the Reds out of the 7th and new, certainly reliable set-up man Mike Lincoln handed the lead, which had been supplemented by a Bruce homer, over to Coco who picked up another big, fat save. Prior to Bruce's home run, which came on the first pitch that he saw from Tim Byrdak, he, as color man extraordinaire Chris Welsh astutely pointed out, he'd taken a first pitch fastball for a strike in all of his prior at bats. He's just being selective.

The Reds, for the first time in four year and the second time ever, beat Roy Oswalt. Nice job gang. He, Oswalt, didn't pitch particularly poorly but deserved a loss after all those years of domination. It's his time. He was also thinking about driving that tractor that team management gave him is association with his last contract. I think that would also make it hard to concentrate.

Reds head to St. Louis tonight and are met by the completely unanticipated dominance of Brad Penney. That guy has been lights out but that mean, just like Oswalt, that he's due for a beating. The Reds have thought things over and have decided that they will take this series from the Cardinals just like the one from the A-holes. They will be, apparently, without Dickerson for a little while as he hurt his wrist putting a poor swing on an Oswalt fastball. That means Drew Stubbs gets sole possession of leadoff hitter/out factory. He did get a hit last night, so maybe things are turning around. I'm certainly not a genius like Dusty but the Reds Rocket is in favor of putting someone who gets on base on a regular basis at the top of the order. But again, I'm not genius. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Astros Have No Interest in Scoring Runs Against Mike Leake, Reds 6-4

With a solid 7 innings, Leake picked up an unprecedented second victory. He even knocked out a single and was thrown out at second. For looking like 16-year-old dirtbag, Leake is rock solid. How many Reds Rocket would approach Leake in search of a bag of weed? I would guess a large percentage. That goatee means business.

The offense was nothing spectacular. The most significant contributor was A-holes right fielder Hunter Pence who dropped a deep pop up to right center with the bases loaded in the 4th. Nice play Hunter. At least there weren't two outs, so your team wouldn't have been out of the inning. But there were two outs, zing! Regardless, the 6 runs provided just enough offense for Masset to melt down in the 9th before giving way to Coco who closed things out. Reds appear to be back on one of their unpredictable runs. Third win in a row again the Astros tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Hanigan Decides that Harang Deserves a Win, Reds 6-2

The aforementioned catcher continued to rake the yard with two more hits and a career high-tying, three RBIs. The offense allows us to overlook the bad throw in the first which led to the Astros' first run. He did throw out that a-hole Bourne later in the game.

Dusty, being the master strategist that he is, also switched things up with the offense. Phillips was dropped to the two hole and Cabrera was pushed all the way back in the order to six. As usual, Dusty's stategery paid off. The offense was not terrible. Bruce picked up a couple more hits, as did Cabrera. Harang even single, which can be wholly attributed to the lineup change. 

Going along with the new policy on not being terrible. Harang pitched a solid six and only allowed the two runs. Sure, there were some runners on base but he likes to keep the viewer interested. 1-2-3 innings don't make for good ratings. He has a future after baseball to think about. So, it looks like all of that talk of removing him from the rotation was bullshit. The Reds Rocket makes an official statement that Aaron Harang is awesome and will remain so for the remainder of the season. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Padres Encourage Reds Fans to Ignore Teachings of Christianity, Reds 5-4

The second consecutive sweep at the hands of teams predicted to be among the League's worst appeared imminent today as the Reds came to bat in their half of the 8th today. Down 4-3 with losses on both Friday and Saturday, Rolen flipped a single into let before Bruce ripped one down the right field line. The Padres finally decided to play some like the bad team that they are destined to be as Gonzalez mishandled the cut off throw from right allowing Rolen to score, after he was held up at third. Bruce advanced to 3rd on the misplay and was driven home on a hard hit single to right by starting/backup catcher Razor Ramon. Coco shut things down in the 9th, after of course issuing a couple of walks to keep things interesting, and the Reds boarded the plane to Houston relatively satisfied. I say relatively because, though the Pads had won 6 straight coming in, they are not a good team, at least in comparison to the Reds, who everyone knows are a very good team, and hammered Arroyo's salad during the 10-4 loss on Friday and beat Cueto yesterday as the offense just couldn't muster the interest to get a hit off Matt LeBlanc. Dusty's been making some news questioning the play of the team, encouraging them publicly to play less terrible. The team's performance today probably qualified but just barely. Bailey was pretty decent, despite giving up the four runs. He struck out 8 and brought his ERA down a shade to a solid 7.06. Ray Jay had three hits for the first time in about a year and Rolen went yard. The team has everyone right where they want them.

Everybody gets to take a break tomorrow - maybe enjoy a little of Houston's world famous double fried everything. I recommend the beer batter and fried cat. They're homeless and not doing anyone any good prior to be prepared in a delicious fashion and eaten with a side of potatoes, or potaters. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Not Vin Scully Mr. Redlegs, He's a National Treasure, Reds 8-5

As you can tell from the bandana, Mr. Redlegs and the whole Reds team meant business last night taking the final game of the three game series with Los Dodgers. Which, of course, gave them the series victory. Based on a pretty decent performance by Leake, the Reds are no longer the last team without a win by a starting pitcher. Good for you Mike but better for you offense. The team piled on 8 runs, which featured a two-runs bomb from Bruce on one of Padilla's eephus pitches, a big two-run double by Rolen in the bottom of the 7th and even an RBI single by Stubbs from his new home in the batting order, 7th. Granted the Reds missed Kershaw, who's filthy, but the offense looked pretty good against a team that should compete this year. However, now they have the Padres, who are a frequent pain in the ass - mainly because they are so poor but seem to beat the Reds on a semi-regular basis. Not this time, Reds have been drinking green tea all day and are fired up. The winning streak starts again. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Fans Pleased with Reds Performance, Dodgers 14-6

The Reds got beat up by the Dodgers last night, 14-6. The beating was at the hands of Aaron Harang who, despite the focus displayed in the picture to the left, didn't carry over to the game. He left after 5 and a 1/3, which is the most popular length of start for Reds starters this year and only gave up the 7 earned. The crowd even treated him to a few boos. That's like booing a bear at the zoo. He's in the cage so he can't get at you but I'll bet those fans won't be booing the gigantism-affected pitcher if they view him in his natural habitat - at Denny's.

The offense, for the second night in a row, was pretty good. Six runs should be an adequate amount and Kuroda has been good this year. So, that's certainly something. Votto took a ball over the fence for the second night in a row and so did Scott Rolen's sore back. The hope is that Leake can limit the Dodgers to fewer runs than the Reds score today. That generally results in a victory.

Good new, in addition to the not terrible performance by the offense, reinforcements are on the way. Breaking news yesterday, Joe Morgan has decided to join the Reds in a consultant capacity. Don't worry he'll still be calling the Sunday night games. He'll also be amusing Reds personnel and players alike with sweeping generalizations and unfinished sentences. 'For my money, I'll take a black person from the eastern United States over a Chinaman, I mean Asian American, from the Pacific Northwest.' Good to have you Joe. This organization is making a lot a sound decisions lately. Reds win today, you can add that to your day planner.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Busy Day: Volquez Suspended For Impregnating Wife, Reds Win 11-9

Edinson Volquez, pictured to the right, was written up by MLB for violating the performance enhancing drug rules. He's going to have to take a seat for 50 games. Fortunately, as everyone but the commissioners office appears to know, he is recovering from Tommy John and won't be available until late July at the very earliest. If the league could implement some sort of ban on rehab, that would appear to be a more effective punishment. But that would be something to consider with non-Reds players.

The baseball team, on the other hand, showed a little heart last night. It must have been that coaching from Dusty on the day off. He really knows how to motivate a team. After falling behind 3-0 after Homeboy gave up a based loaded double to Casey Blake in the 1st, the Reds responded with 6 off Billingsley. B. Phill went yard, Bruce tripled and they picked up two additional thanks to a throwing error from the pitcher. The Reds added three more and were up 9-3, 9-5 after Bailey made sure to keep that ERA up with a couple of parting runs before his exit. Ondursek and Arty held the lead but Masset, as they say, pissed the bed, giving up 4 in 1/3 of an inning. Lincoln, that's right, Mike Lincoln, salvaged things for Janish-Yanish, who knocked in the winner. That guy is big time.

So, Reds win game one over, seemingly, a pretty good Dodgers team, or at least offense, after dropping three to the Pirates. What's up with that? They take game two and three as well with less surprise from me.  Reds! Reds! Reds!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

It's Too Early Mr. Redlegs, Pirates 5-3

My favorite part of the news photo is Mr. Redleg's briefcase, like he just came from an important meeting. After the meeting Gapper told Mr. Redlegs that he's been doing the midnight creep with Mrs. Redlegs for the last 6 months. That news, combined with Pirates' sweep of the Reds over the weekend put a cloud over him that he just didn't think he'd be able to escape. But, fortunately for his children, both from his current marriage, first marriage and the illegitimate (bastards), authorities were able to talk him and his moustache off the ledge.

Reds looked good over the weekend. Losing close ones on both Friday and Saturday before being done in by one awful inning by Arroyo today. After the team came back to tie things up Friday, based upon a 9th inning triple by Dickerson and sac fly by Cabrera, Masset came on to strike out the first two batters, then lose the game on a McCutcheon single and stolen base followed by a Milledge single. Reds lose 5-4. I like Milledge better when his only role was team cancer. Saturday, Coco melted down, walking three, including one with the bases loaded, before giving up the game winner on a single to Garrett Jones. Reds lose 4-3. Had Coco held onto the big fat save, that would have awarded Cueto the win, which, as I've noted, would be the first by a starter this year. Today, Arroyo was perfect through three, but then gave up all  five runs in the bottom of the fourth. The bad inning featured Bronson hitting Bobby Crosby with a pitch up 0-2 with the bases loaded (which likely came from the dugout, good move strategically - Crosby will kill you) and a three-run double by noted non-talent Jason Jaramillo. After that, Arroyo snapped back, but the Reds offense just wasn't up to the 5 runs today. Can't say I blame them. Scoring runs is a lot more work than sitting in the dugout and thinking about how many hamburgers you can eat after the game. I think I could eat 6. The offense was headed by Bruce who hit his first two bombs of the year.

After the strong showing the last two of the Florida and the three in Pittsburgh, the Reds get a day for siesta before the Los Dodger roll into town on Tuesday. Dusty says that he isn't discouraged, nor should he be. He's got some heavy duty coaching to do tomorrow. Rumor has it that he may have made a motivational mix-tape and plans to distribute it tomorrow. I think that's just what the team needs. Reds bounce back and dominate the Dodgers.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Hey Aaron, What's the Deal? Marlins 10-2

Reds looked all around pretty poor yesterday. Harang was lit up for 8 runs over 4+ and the offense couldn't do much against Josh Johnson, who struck out 10 over his 6 innings and looked generally dominating. But, the offense's struggle were less of a surprise than Harang's. The handsomest man in the Midwest has been a step below good in his three starts. His ERA hovers just under 8.00 and even in his best outing, he gave back a 3-0 lead. Combined with Bailey and Cueto's last starts, the starting pitching, which looked to be an asset, even a surplus during spring training, looks less so. But, that's really a consideration for someone smarter than I am. Like Dusty or Bryan Price. Those guys are sharp. I'm sure they'll get everything figured out. Just look what Price did for the Diamondbacks last year, before he got canned. You don't get to be a top 25 pitching staff if the guy in charge doesn't know what he's doing.

Reds head up to Pittsburgh for this evening's game. That is typically a cure for what ails your team. For those of you who have not been following the Pirates closely, they have actually found a way to win four games. Likely by cheating or witchcraft. That fourth win wasn't actually scheduled until late June. So, ,you could say that they've been overachieving. Leake makes his second career start today. During the radio broadcast yesterday, Mark Sheldon was discussing his most recent article where he compares Leake and Jim Abbott. I haven't read it yet, but my impression is that it has something about them both having arms like a tyrannosaurus rex. You should read it yourself to find out.

I predict a bounce back from the last two days. Maybe even a little offense sprinkled in.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Reds Unselfishly Allow Fish Win, Marlins 5-3

As good pal Doug pointed out, yesterday's game did not conclude the series. It's actually a four game series with the Marlins. This is not a mistake that I take lightly, it's not a laughing matter, obviously. It's one of the more stupid things I have ever done. It was an honest mistake. ... I want to apologize to the fans, my team, ownership, everyone who supports me. Doug your standards for blogs, this one in particular, are just too high and likely unattainable.

Homersexual made his second start of the season last night and it went just as well, I mean poorly, as the first. Lots of base runners, 100 pitches over 5 innings and just an appearance of being generally hittable. When you're throwing 95 with a big ol' hook, that, the hittable part, shouldn't happen. But it did. He only last 5 and 1/3 and gave up all of the Marlin runs. I guess we'll have to wait 5 days to see if that dominance over the Pirates and other teams that didn't care down the stretch last year was the real Bailey or the 10 starts prior to that.

The offense, with the exception of pictured Janish-Yanish, didn't accomplish much. Stubbs is taking a couple of games off with a sore back, so Dickerson inherits the lead off spot. Though he has been playing well. I guess the first and second sentence do not really go together, as Dickerson was not, specifically, the source of the no offense. Bruce picked up another hit on his quest for .200 but the middle of the order, Votto, B. Phill, and Rolen went 0 for 10. That's not a great number from the middle of the order. But when you've Paul Janish in the lineup for the first time all season hitting bombs, you don't need, or at least as much, from the middle of the order. The Reds Rocket seems to recall hot starts by Janish in years past before that average and on base settles into the more typical .220/.280 range. Regardless, nice day. I'm sure Dusty is going to be running him out there on a far more regular basis.

Reds bounce back today with Harangutan on the hill.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Reds Are Playing Good Baseball? Reds 10, Fish 8

For those of you not paying attention, that makes 5 wins in 6 games and, I realize that it's the Cubs and Marlins, but two consecutive series victories. The Fightin' Dusty's are on their way to the 158-4 record I predicted earlier this season. I'll schedule one more loss in there just to be on the safe side.

The offense finally showed up and provided Arroyo with a 6-1 lead. Gomes and Hanigan both utilized the large fly off Nate Robertson, who is a very solid starting pitcher. That 6-1 lead was even after the umpires made the right decision and screwed Ray Jay out of his first home run of the season. Just imaging the "obscene" gesture he would have made had that bomb been upheld. But Arroyo struggled with his salad a little bit and left with only a 6-5 advantage. Yogan failed for a second time, in what is looking like his brief audition in the big leagues, to hold the lead and the teams went to extras all knotted up at 8.

Votto broke the tie with a nicely placed/broken bat single over shortstop and Phillips concluded the scoring with his fourth hit of the night bringing his average all the way up to .273. Things are coming around. Though, beware, the pattern for years past is a fine offensive game followed by a couple where no runs are scored. I will be paying close attention today. I'll break things down for you tomorrow in my usual, generalized fashion which you could get from reading any other publication. But I'll use profanity, if it is appropriate. Shitballs. Reds sweep today and maybe a victory by a starting pitcher. Micah Owings is tied to the league lead in wins. Reds! Reds! Reds!

PS. Don't forget to thank Getty Images for allowing me legal use, not for profit, of their high quality images. As I'm sure you are aware, there were no other picture of B. Phill giving Stubbs a two-handed high fiver available on the non-restricted web.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Scott Rolen, Wife and Two Dogs Bury Fish, Reds 6-5

Now that's a nice photograph - not one of those glamor shots you see among the starting pitching staff. Family, together on a dock, Rolen looks convincingly happy, the dogs aren't taking a shit on the dock. Rolen carried the appearance of happiness onto the diamond with him today where he shredded Fish pitching. He took Ricky Nolasco deep two times, then knocked in what ended up being the winning run in the top of the 10th.

Cueto was less spectacular, but the staff was probably due for a subpar performance. In listening to the broadcast, Old Man Brennamen stated, 'this guy just does nothing to help himself out.' That statement was prompted by a hit batsman, a wild pitch, and a balk after Rolen presented him with a 2-0 lead. He actually left with a 5-4 lead but Mike Lincoln, who hadn't made an appearance for a while, reemerged and made sure Cueto wasn't going anywhere with a win that he didn't deserve. It wouldn't be fair to the rest of the rotation who has patiently waited for a victory while turning in some very strong performances.

The offense, outside of Rolen, showed a little bit of pizzazz. Every starter, with the exception of Cueto who doesn't really count because he's Dominican, had a base hit. Ray-Jay Bruce picked up two, that's right, two hits, bringing that average up from .053 to a balmy .130. Votto snapped his hitless streak and Big O' took his second pitch out of the yard. Eleven hits in one game is really very, very good. So, expect the team to keep it up. Arroyo on the mound tomorrow. You may recall his dominating start last time. However, he is in Florida, so was probably out of the water today. You can't drive a boat in the desert.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Cubs' Terrible Bullpen of Great Relief to Reds' Terrible Offense - Reds Take Two of Three

As we have established in past years, the Reds Rocket is not a supporter of Cubs baseball. Lou Pinella and Carlos Zambrano, based upon the fact that he may snap and kill a child at any point which makes him inherently watchable, excepted, there is not a single member of team the even falls into the neutral category. Fortunately, they looked quite poor this weekend and let the Reds have a couple of ball games. I am working on a photo montage of the hipster fan base looking broken-hearted. I'll keep you posted.

We'll start off with Friday. Bailey threw 150 pitches through 5 innings, giving up three.  However, the bullpen, notably Micah Owings was above-average. And though the offense was impotent for 7+, new best friend Esmailing Caridad entered, walked some guys, misplayed a bunt, then gave up the first grand slam of Drew Stubbs' career. Final score, Reds 5, Cubs 4. Coco locked things down by giving up a huge bomb to Derek Lee. Nice job Drew. But nicer job Esmailin. Not revealing anything about later games in the series, hopefully we get to see Caridad a second time in the series.

Saturday was less positive. Harang ended up putting together a pretty good outing, 7 IP with just the 3 allowed but he gave back a 3-0 lead which was provided courtesy of Ryan Hanigan's double and a two-run bomb from B. Phill. The Cubs climbed back with bombs from Fukudome, who will assuredly perform much more poorly as the season progresses ("Oh, look at his hot start, maybe he is worth $10 million") and the already poor Fonz Soriano - Aaayyyyy. So, 3-3 in the 8th and Arty serves up a hanging slider to Jeff Baker. So, what you say? Well, as he will do approximately 5% of the time, Baker turned the mistake around and it traveled over the fence. Which awarded the Cubs 1 point, or "run" in baseball vernacular. Sadly, despite Jay Bruce putting a solid swing on a John Grabow garbage ball in the 8th which was snagged by Derek Lee (minor rationalization) the Reds lost.

On to today. We saw the first professional, ignoring fall and spring, start of Mike Leake and he not only looked sharp with his big-league Ryan Franklin beard, but threw the ball well enough. He had a little trouble with the strike zone, 7 walks over 6 and 2/3, but made quality pitches when necessary. He kept the Reds in the game even with no offense again. But, as outlined above, the Cubs are a poor team. In the 7th, after Rolen and Hernandez reached, Gomes lined one to left and Soriano at least hustled over but had skipped that refresher course on glove operation during the spring. Had he attended, he would have been aware of the requirement of squeezing the glove upon making contact with the ball. His fantastic play allowed Miguel Cairo to tie things up at 1. Skip to the 8th, Esmailin on the hill with the bases loaded. This time he, Esmailin, decided it wise to allow just one run at a time rather than allow a single swing to score multiple runs. He walked Hernandez with nowhere to put him, then Gomes his a sac fly giving the Reds their third run of the game. Masset is the winner and Coco locked down another big fat save.

So, here we are. Six games in and no starting pitcher with a win yet. I don't know if that's good or bad or neither but I'll lean toward neither because, for the most part, starters have been good but the offense has been not good. Hard to pick up a lot of wins when the strategy appears to be stay close and wait for the oppositions' bullpen to melt down. As is known, I don't question the strategy of master strategist Dusty.

Finally, today, prized Cuban Chapman made a start for Louisville. I did watch a 45 second recap as was kindly provided by the Reds' official site. Nothing unexpected, high 90's gas which is overmatching for the poor minor leaguers who had to face him. To make room for Leake, Francisco, who had a solid 0 for 4 with 4 strikeouts performance in his first start on Saturday, headed back down to Louisville. The team designated previously interesting Pedro Viola. This appears to indicate, as Viola was the mid-velocity left handed reliever, that there may be some role for Chapman in that role. Of course I am basing this on nothing. So, feel free to: 1) disregard; 2) agree; or 3) look at a picture of my duplex. 

If you guessed that it's a grocery store turned meth lab, you're partially right. Let me know if you'd like to buy it.

Reds play the Fish tomorrow in their first road trip of the season. Seriously, let me know about the duplex.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Jonny Gomes' Mohawk Says It's Time For This Game to Be Over, Reds 2-1

The Reds decided to put together a nice game yesterday, specifically in the starting pitching department. It appears as if the Reds Rocket should have ignored the last start of the spring for Charles Bronson Arroyo (10 runs over 4 innings to a terrible horrible Indians team) rather than mentioning it in the team previous, because Bronson was lights out yesterday. He went 8, kept Pujols from being too much of a hassle, drove in the first run of the games which gave the Reds their first lead of the year but received nothing other than memories for his efforts. As we all know, you can't put your arms around a memory. But I suppose you can't really put your arms around a win either, which is wholly an invention of the game. So, maybe he doesn't care either way, but I suspect next time he'd enjoy a little support from the offense.

The offense has shown little, early in the season. Brad Penny? Come on. However, Jonny Gomes and his fabulous haircut erased the prior 8 innings and sent everybody home with a pat on the ass. Jason Motte, who throws 100 mph, can't get anyone out. Fortunately, he throws hard enough where they're going to keep running him out there despite how terrible he is. That's good for everyone other than Cardinals fans. Nice first win of the year for Coco for his one inning of work.

Reds welcome in the Chicago Cubs for the weekend series which should propel the team's record over .500 where it will stay for the remainder of the year. The Cubs could be dangerous this year with new faces like Carlos Silva. That guy can deal. And that contract he signed with the Mariners? Fantastic. Fortunately, the mind behind the 4 year $48 deal, Bill Bavasi, is now in the front office with the Reds. That's the kind of thinking we need to propel this team.

And the comment from yesterday's post "thank you for you to make me learn more,thank you∩0∩" - helps remind me why I waste everyone's time typing out obvious observations from baseball games. I'm always happy to help anyone learn more.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Reds Meet Expectations, Start Season 0-2, Cardinals 6-3

Reds dropped the second of the series against the Cardinals yesterday but had another excuse in that they were facing another one of the better pitchers in the NL, Adam Wainwright. Not that they tried to explain the loss, other than all the excuses they made. They're fresh out of excuses today as Brad Penny hits the hill. Just because you have a big ass boiler does not an effective starting pitcher make, as the Reds Sox discovered last year. We'll ignore the portion of last season where he was pretty good with the Giants.

Cueto wasn't bad at all yesterday. He wasn't striking any one out, but only allowed the two runs. With one of them scoring after he mishandled a toss from Votto on a ground ball in between first and the mound. The crew at baseball tonight actually used that particular play to illustrate how you are not supposed to field a grounder, as a pitcher. But with the exception of bailing out on pitches during all star games and blowing your knee out playing basketball, what do Kruk and Aaron Boone know anyway. Next time the can use the Coldwell Banker field to demonstrate how Johnny picks up skanks after a win over the Cardinals. "First, I show them my hair. Then I tell them to buy me a goddamned screw driver." All through the Spanish translator, of course.

Maybe the Reds Rocket was a little early on piling on the rotting corpse of Orlando Cabrera. Nice game last night Big O. A bomb and knocked in all 3 of the Reds' runs.  I'll assume that even though you're an avid reader of the site, you missed that last couple of installments. The Reds other questionable off-season investment, Ramon Hernandez, also had a nice game picking up a couple of hits and only allowing two stolen bases. The rest of the offense can accurately be described as underwhelming. That's okay, they have plenty of time. Dusty is going to show them a thing or two about batting gloves which he thinks will help with the collective approaches.

Reds wrap things up in about 35 minutes with super star thumber Arroyo taking the bump for the first time this season. We are very excited for the Reds' impending first win of the season.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Terrific Start to the Season, Cardinals 11-6

The Reds sent their largest, handsomest man to the hill this morning to start things off for 2010 - Monsier Harangutan (please see glamor shot to the left). The fan base was encouraged for about 4 minutes, two strike outs of Brenden Ryan and Skip Schumacher followed by Pujols taking a 1-2 hanger into the Reds' bullpen. So, that's how the season begins. This sounds vaguely familiar. At least they got a couple of outs before falling behind.

Harang, despite hitting two guys, walking three and throwing a pick-off attempt away with a runner on third, wasn't all that bad. Sure, we could use a couple more strikeouts and perhaps one or two fewer runs, but who is going to mention that to him. Hopefully someone explained that to Bryan Price. Criticism must be accompanied by an animal carcass, preferably swine. He'll kill you three times before you hit the ground without even using his razor sharp teeth. At least the bullpen, especially Lincoln and Masset, kept things close. Nice work you fantastic sons of bitches. Yadier Molina has power to all fields at all times. We learned a valuable lesson going forward.

The offense was also quite tolerable. Six runs off a game started by Carpenter is above average. Granted, he may not have his best stuff today, the Reds aren't going to make any excuses for him and his soul patch. Rub up your own balls if you don't like the ones provided by the home team. Votto led things off with a bomb, then collected two more hits throughout the game. Rolen also went deep and had a potential second ripped off by Colby Rasmus in center. What a dick. Stubbs replaced Nix in the 6th and had two weakly hit singles but one scored a run and another preceded him scoring a run. Very effective start to the season Drew. Also, got to see a guest appearance by Juan Francisco who saw all of one pitch, which he slapped to right scoring. I look forward to enjoying this offense, bursting with adequosity, throughout the season.

Reds get a well-deserved day off tomorrow. Everyone is exhausted from sitting in the dugout for 9 innings. So, take some time, enjoy yourselves. Remember, you guys are the best and we look forward to seeing Johnny Cueto dominating on Wednesday.

Breaking News: Albert Pujols is an Asshole

Pujols leads the season off with a bomb on a 1-2 pitch from Harang. Reds down 1-0 in the third.

That other guy in the picture is probably a bozo too.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Hi Everybody

After a long off-season of productivity, where I taught the bear pictured to the right to, not only, wave but also leave Ethan Hawke alone when he's trapped in that woodpile (my apologies to those of you who did not watch White Fang today on the CW network where you learn lessons about bears and wolf/dogs. Contact me for a copy of the DVD) but also compiled a sum total of zero posts, despite promises to do otherwise, the Reds Rocket has finally arisen from its slumber and now its Skyline Time. That's what the Reds Rocket offers readers: broken promises and general disappointment. Nice to see you all again.

I think we'll start things off with a brief summary of the Roster that Papa Dusty going to be trotting out onto the field starting tomorrow. Sadly, it won't include Wilmy Taveras leading things off with a pop-up to second on the first pitch he sees. Jocketty had to throw in Adam Rosales' hustle just to get the A's to take Taveras in to their house (he's not house trained).

The Reds brought in some new faces for you entertainment, notably, Aaron Miles. Actually, to the disappointment to everyone who bought the Aaron Miles Reds jersey, he was politely asked to beat it because he is god-awful. Orlando Cabrera, however, despite a brutal spring, is on the team and will hopefully be less horrible during the regular season. His head just wasn't in it. And of course there's the big acquisition of Chapman. But I'll be wasting everyone's time talking about that. You all know he's Cuban. So, here are your current favorite players.

Bronson Arroyo - fun fact, last start of the spring, gave up 10 runs to the Indians. Word has it that he had trouble focusing because he didn't have access to water upon which to pilot his boat. The desert is a moral-killer
Homer Bailey - fun fact, last start of the spring, gave up 6 runs to the Indians. At least he is very coachable and the first guy, you, the average fan, will want to approach unexpectedly to compliment following a particularly good outing. Just go right up to him on the street. He'll be happy to meet you.
Francisco Cordero - Coco's contract may be slightly inflated, but he has taken over David Weather's role as the bloated face of Skyline Chili, which is worth well more than $12 million. Is that nutmeg?
Johnny Cueto - came into Spring Training with a new haircut, which kind of looks like a couple of big spiders are living under his hat. Cowboy Jeff Brantley claims that he has some trouble with his arm angle which may or may not be resolved by the regular season.
Aaron Harang - even with off-season training regimen, can still bench press two mules (at one time) and throw a football over those there mountains. Opens things up tomorrow versus Chris Carpenter.
Mike Leake - technically not on the roster until his first start on April 11 but sees no reason to waste his time in the minor leagues. It's really his decision, so I'll stay out of the argument.

Daniel Ray Herrera - still known by friends and teammates as "Hispanic Webster" with a fastball that tops out at about 84 but gets people out of a reliable basis. If those results continue, he can shrink and lose 7 mph off that fastball and he'll still be welcome around these parts
Mike Lincoln - on the roster. Nice job Mike
Nick Masset - the head nerds at Prospectus predict a reduction in his effectiveness this season. This won't be the first time this season I accuse them of being liars.
Logan Ondrusek - looks like 6'8" version of the guy that plays Jim on the Office with less smirking and considerably fewer urges to punch him in the neck. Also, I went to high school with a guy named Logan who couldn't say the long "l" sound, so it came out Yogan. "It's not Yogan, it's Yogan." Think about that
Micah Owings - can swing the bat, cares less about getting people out on the mound. He'll be the long man/spot starter. Though, the educated readership doesn't need me wasting their time with such generalities.
Arthur Rhodes - wears a lot of gold and does nothing but record outs.

Ryan Hanigan - loves hitting singles and playing solid defense. Will play the same role as last season; injury fill-in, catcher on the Sunday garbage line-up
Ramon Hernandez - re-signed for less money but still, arguably, more than he's worth - but I'm just repeating someone else's opinion. The Reds' Rocket thinks the Reds got one hell 'uva bargain.

Orlando Cabrera - used to have a sweet looking afro to go along with a gap power and plus defense. I know he doesn't have the afro but that sure would be sweet
Juan Francisco - had a nice spring showing lots of power and a big ass boiler. Looks like he can pack away the sausage biscuits and the Carl's Jr. thick burgers. I'll emphasize the power bat.
Paul Janish - same guy from last year, still no bat, unfortunately, seems like a pretty solid dude.
Aaron Miles - thankfully the Aaron Miles Traveling Salvation Show didn't sell out in Cincinnati
Brandon Phillips - robbed not receiving his second gold glove last season. Actually improved walk rate while retaining good power for the keystone. Rumor is there's a good chance he's moved this year due to expected raise next season. Home run trot is powered by grape-flavored cough syrup.
Scott Rolen - average with the Blue Jays last season was allegedly a fluke. GABP should give provide him a few more bombs evening everything out. Though, his consistently solid defense, compared with the variety offered by Eddie Encarnacion is likely to be found boring by the fans.
Joey Votto - friendliest guy in the league but he sure can rake. First base defense was a point of emphasis over the off-season. Should be one of the better all around players in the league who are from Canada.
Miguel Cairo - plays a variety of positions, used to play a variety of positions well. In person seems to have a very large head

Wladimir Balentien - DFA'd, now you can no longer say you have a friend named Wladimir.
Jay Bruce - the comparisons coming up were Larry Walker with potentially greater power. For the casual observer, like myself, mannerisms and body type now look nearly identical to Walker sans mullet. Numbers should began to head in that direction this season, had a nice spring swinging the bat, though drew just 2 walks.
Chris Dickerson - will split time at all three outfield positions. Good athlete. Questioned Dusty in the media - something about toothpicks and wrist bands. We'll have to see the impact during the season.
Jonny Gomes - resigned for a bargain, if you think having Gomes on your team at any price is a bargain. Which the Reds Rocket does. I like watching him play defense.
Drew Stubbs - had a nice time at the end of the season last year which won him the job in center, at least that's what I've heard. I have a morning conference call with Dusty tomorrow and we're going to talk about Hank Aaron. Apparently, they're best friends. George Foster was signing autographs nearly every game at the Reds games in Arizona, I now consider him my best friend.
Laynce Nix - got his old roster spot back despite the non-roster invitation. His time is likely reduced but he showed some nice power in the spring and looks like he can beat some ass. Maybe the Reds Rocket will challenge him to mix things up. I've been doing that P90X workout that you see on Sunday mornings. Changed my life. Now I feel confident to fight even much larger people over a variety of things, like waving bears for example.

So, there you have it. There is a chance I left someone out but I simply don't have the time for proofreading. Entirely too busy preparing my boxes for shipping for the items I sold on Ebay. As the blog "banner" says, I am an Arizona resident, so had the opportunity to watch the Reds play poorly many times this spring and play well on a few occasions. If I had to recount the highlight, it would be seeing Devin Mesoraco break his bat popping out to second yesterday. That was sweet.

Tell your parents I say hello.