Reasons to Like Ted Lilly

Today's Cub starter, opposite Arroyo, is Ted Lilly. As the respected purveyor of information that this site is, the author personally undertook the obligation of gathering and compiling data into a short list of Ted Lilly-related facts (or how about factoids?). With this information, the author hopes to demonstrate reasons why the average Reds fan need not fear or hate Lilly (save your hate for Ryan Dempster and Matt Murton).

1. Ted Lilly is a left-handed pitcher who, save 9 games with the Expos in '99, has pitched exclusively in the league of designated hitters and magic.

2. Last season Ted Lilly won a career high 15 games, his career stats look something like this:

3. You'll notice that Ted Lilly has a career era of 4.60 and a career record of 59-58.

4. This offseason the Cubs signed Lilly to a four year $40 million contract. I can't wait until next year when DeRosa and Lilly are still under contract for 2 and 3 years respectively. That front office is run by rhesus monkeys.

5. Last season up 8-0 in a game against Oakland, Lilly was tired of being effective and decided to give up some runs. After the seventh run of the third inning scored, Manager John Gibbons came out to yank him but Lilly refused to give him the ball. The two then got into a fist fight in the clubhouse. Well alright, that's the type of guy who belongs on the Cubs. With the years of losing and Pinella, I just hope Soriano somehow gets involved.

6. After signing with the Cubs, Lilly celebrated by getting a tattoo of his favorite musician (seriously, who doesn't have Clay Aiken on their chest), here's a picture:

So, there you go. Ted Lilly likes music (adult contemporary), has the name of a delicate yet beautiful flower, and even if the Cubs are up 8-0 in the third, there's no guarantee he's going to hold that lead. Seems like a pretty okay guy to me. On behalf of the Reds, I welcome you Ted Lilly. Enjoy that $40 million of stolen money.

Redsbot 5000

In the year 2007, the author of this online publication took the Reds Rocket, technology of his own creation, to the outer regions of our universe. While the specifics of the Red Rocket propulsion system are likely outside the interest of the intended audience of this publication, the author will acknowledge that the fuel by which space travel has been made possible is composed solely of the concentrated thought of Jerry Narron. During the season, Narron, the revered field manager of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team, is able to produce large quantities of “brain distillate” in his garage while preparing for upcoming competition. The fuel, which drains from tubes in Narron’s ears into empty pickle jars, appears to be the natural byproduct of such unprecedented levels of cerebral activity.

It was through my correspondence with Narron that I became aware of his discovery and began my own investigation into how to best utilize this scientific breakthrough. Space exploration was the most obvious application. Finally, in January of this year, the project was completed and the Reds Rocket was deemed spaceworthy. The launch was successful and the early phase of the journey was without incident. The serenity of quiet space, however, would not be long lasting. As if snagged by some invisible angler, the ship spiraled out of control towards an unnamed and unnoticed planetary body, with even the manual controls rendered useless. Following several agonizing minutes, the rocket hit and skidded lightly upon the surface, finally coming to rest upon the largely uniform landscape. Upon exiting the craft, the author was immediately confronted by a metallic being, who spoke exquisite English, proclaiming itself to be Redsbot 5000. The creature had been alerted to my presence when thoughts of Narron, too complex to recreate here, were emitted from the Reds Rocket in the form of exhaust. When the spent thoughts, many of which involved the Cincinnati Reds baseball, shattered the silence of space the advanced processors of Redsbot 5000 were able to decode and absorb the information. Baseball was determined to be of the greatest interest to the machine.

These thoughts of Narron, when combined with the complex algorithms found within Redsbot 5000’s software, contain the answers to any question which has or will ever be asked by a human being. But as was the case with the machine, the author is only interested in those answers which relate to Cincinnati Reds baseball. Fortunately, Redsbot 5000 has agreed to be a semi-regular contributor to this site. All questions posed will be answered with 100% certainty.

From Shamus of Bergholz, OH:
Q: Redsbot, I was very impressed with the Reds victory over the Cubs yesterday, how many wins will the Reds have this year?

A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................154

Redsbot 5000 has spoken, the Reds will go 154-8 this season. Thanks for your question Shamus, remember all those who get their questions read on this site receive a $25 gift certificate to TGI Friday's, where you can rock it every night of the week, and a chokehold from Aaron Harang.

From T. John of Spokane, WA:
Q: Is that a picture of the robot from Logan's Run?

A: A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................no

Redsbot 5000 has spoken, that is not a picture of the robot from that particular motion picture. Though it may look similar, or even identical, to Box, the ice robot (played by Roscoe Lee Browne) that Logan and Jessica encounter as they attempt to reach Sanctuary, it is not. Enjoy the Zen Chicken and the extra large basket of tater skins, T. John.
*Update: that is the robot from Logan's Run

The author feels very sorry that all players who made the opening day roster were not included in the pre-season player preview. To remedy the oversight of the research department, special previews have been prepared for those players omitted. Those who have been anxiously awaiting Coutlangus and Santos content, your day has arrived.

Jon Coutlangus
The converted outfielder was claimed off waivers from the Giants in February of last year. He’s from Florida and was drafted out of South Carolina as the 981st best player available in 2001. Last season he spent the majority of his time in Chattanooga (had 2 appearances at Louisville) and compiled some real nice numbers out of the pen (2.74 era, 42 hits allowed in 65.2 IP, 56 Ks and 9 saves). In an effort to make his transition from minor to major league player as comfortable as possible, the author would like to recommend the use of the nickname “Cooter”. Although there’s really not much of a resemblance between Coutlangus and Ben Jones, the actor who portrayed Cooter (and who, coincidentally, is listed as a friend of Marty Brennaman) on the Dukes of Hazzard, I feel that after a few innings of effective relief he could take on a Cooter-like role with the Reds. He would show up every once in a while and help the team get out of whatever crazy situation it finds itself in, maybe retiring a particularly tough lefty with men on base or super-charging Dunn’s Chevelle so that he could deliver the mail to Muskingum County before sunset. Cooter, let me extend a warm welcome to the Cincinnati Reds major league roster.

Victor Santos
In the past, the author has taken a cautious approach to supporting players acquired from Pittsburgh. The fact that they are typically subtastic baseball players is but one of a number of reasons for this hesitance. But with Santos, the author is throwing all caution out the window. 15.2 innings of scoreless spring training relief? Only eight hits allowed? Two saves to go along with 2 wins? There is no way that this guy will not be fantastic for every outing this entire year. The fact that he’s had some less memorable seasons in the past is no longer relevant (in 2002, he threw in 24 games and still managed to carry an era over 10.00 (10.38)). Since coming to Cincinnati as a non-roster invitee he has been given a steady diet of the old Dick Pole, the transformative powers of which cannot be underestimated. Victor Santos, I apologize for not believing in you, welcome to the team.

Big Donkey Show

The author's comments earlier, regarding Dunn hitting in the two hole, were probably not completely sincere. However, today we learned a very valuable lesson about questioning the genius of Narron. The bombs ignited the offense and Harang used his giant hands to choke the Chicago "offense" for seven very strong innings. And don't you think that Griffey's hits weren't premeditated. He knew the defense would not be adequately prepared for soft liners to left. Hamilton got an at bat and a human interest story. And Big Z looks like he's fueled up to break at least some minor laws. The team proudly displayed its superiority.

Today's Special: Cub Steak

Mr. Red knows that a bear cub can't survive without its mother or proper zoological care. He found this one digging through the garbage outside his mansion. But Mr. Red said, who are we to interfere with nature. God put that cub's mother on the highway for a reason. Before you feel bad, remember that once this cub has grown it would kill you and everyone you care about. Or at least be very disappointing for decades.

Time for the Really Big Shoe

The weather is tolerable, the lineup is set. Who wants a savage beating? I’m pretty sure the Cubs do. Of course I thought Jon Coutlangus would be on the opening day roster, that guy’s lights out. Griffey looks nice in right field. Remember that game last year against the Cubs and color man extraordinaire Bob Brenly was wondering on air why Griffey doesn’t just lay down a bunt because Zambrano was “unhittable”? Then he hit a bomb while he was still in mid-sentence? Brenly must have had some great assistant coaches on that World Championship team. I see Dunn is hitting in the two hole, and why wouldn’t he? That just makes good baseball sense. I’m pretty sure Zambrano is going to threaten to kill the home plate umpire or Pinella before the seventh inning stretch. “Big Z says you’re dead! You hear me, dead!” Maybe next time the Cubs are in town Dibble will show up and grapple with Pinella on the infield before the game. I’d pay extra to see that. I think Cubs fans are really going to enjoy having Mark DeRosa around for the next three years. All light hitting utility players should make $4 million a year. How many singles is Hatteberg going to have today? My guess is 6. Harang has been saving up his filth all spring, he's going to unload it today

Opening day makes it okay to disregard the logic and common sense plaguing our everyday lives. “They’re not going to be teaching us anything we couldn’t read in the book anyway.” “Yes sir, I always take a three hour lunch on opening day. It’s in my contract.” “I think it’s time for the kids to learn how to find their own way home.”

It’s all excusable because the Reds are going to win. Go Reds, Go Reds, Go Reds.

To preview this year’s club, I’ve broken the team down positionally into categories of how they can best benefit me. I believe this is the best and most relevant way to preview any team.

7. Which member of the starting rotation would be the most supportive of me wearing my hair in a ponytail?

Aaron Harang: the author has always thought that Harang has a bit of an Andre the Giant quality to him. His immense size, his enlarged hands and feet, his mastery of the bear hug, tends to alienate people. Last year, ranking second in wins with 16, and leading the National League in strikeouts (216), shutouts (2), and complete games (6), he was rewarded with exactly zero votes for Cy Young. Someone needs a chokehold. But what the voters appeared to forget was that Andre the Giant didn’t become bad (a heel, if you will) until Wrestle Mania III. Before that he represented the forces of good. And didn’t you ever see Princess Bride? Just because his head is the size of a Volkswagon and he could crush your bones and drink your blood if he wanted to, doesn’t mean he will. He doesn’t dream about conquering the world with an army of enormous super men or wrestling a bear in a steel cage, he is a simple family giant. It’s not like he knows where all the voters live or envisions crushing their skulls with his bare hands. At the end of the day he just wants, if he’s deserving, a vote for Cy Young…and for everyone to complement my ponytail. It’s not too much to ask.

Bronson Arroyo: the author has heard Reds fans voice some hesitance in placing a major part of their seasonal hopes upon Arroyo, a guy who, I guess, hasn’t technically won more than 14 games or even pitched all that consistently prior to last year. And while the author may agree that just because you know how to play the guitar doesn’t mean that you should do so in front of an audience, he is convinced that Arroyo is wicked sweet. Last season Arroyo set career highs in starts (35), innings pitched (240), complete games (3), strikeouts (184) and musical performances with Rich Aurilia’s wife. And this season, while you can expect a very similar pitching performance, expect some change to his appearance. Perhaps some mutton chops or a fanny pack, but hopefully not a ponytail, I’ve got individuality to maintain.

Kyle Lohse: it was when Lohse was acquired last season that the author began to wonder whether the Reds really needed every ex-member of the Twins on the ballclub. Turns out the answer is yes and people from Minnesota are very supportive of long hair on men. So, this year don’t be surprised to see Carlos Silva or Lew Ford coming over to provide some support for the stretch run. Maybe they could create some sort of Frankenstein monster out of the working parts of Brad Radke. He’d be good for 150 innings and the coaching staff could control him with the power of fire.

Eric Milton: it was hard to remain supportive of the Reds big ’05 acquisition when Uncle Milty was busy being the worst pitcher in the National League. But last year, with the exception of some persistent injury problems and depending upon your opinion of an era over 5.00, it’s at least arguable that he was effective. He strung together some good outings, his hits allowed per inning dropped to closer to 1 an inning which compared to ‘05 (1.27 hits per) is a significant improvement. He continued to support league moral by giving up plenty of gopher balls (29 in 152.2 innings) and feels he has the self esteem to where he no longer needs to impress people with strike outs (90 total for ‘06). This year he’s getting a paltry $9 million, so we’ll have to see if he can maintain his focus. But the biggest question coming into the season is what will he think of my ponytail?

*Update: my new friends at Redleg Nation report that Milton has decided to cool out on the DL for a while to open the season, retroactive to March 23rd. Listen Eric, take your time and come see us when you're good and ready. We don't want you giving up bombs at anything less than 100%.

Matt Belisle: in 2003, Cincinnati was able to convince the fiercely loyal Kent Mercker to put his personal hatred for Atlanta aside (*the author does not know if Mercker actually hates Atlanta but after spending 7 years of his career there, it is assumed) and wear the uniform with the tomahawk on it for a couple of months so that the Reds could gain access to the former first-rounder Belisle. After battling a bad back (undoubtedly sustained after a tire iron-related injury prompted him to lift his car over his head and throw it into an adjacent ravine), B-Lizzle paid his dues in the bullpen before marking his territory for the number five starter with two quality late season starts. A solid spring and a sincere complement about my long hair, cemented his position in the rotation.