The Reds Will Ruin Your Season Out of Spite

The Reds, as The Reds Rocket will finally concede, have little for which to play for the remainder of the season. It gives the young guys a chance to get some big league action to see what holes the thinktank will have to address during the offseason. But, fortunately, they seem to be unaware of this fact. Two series with contenders, two series victories. I assume that Sabathia will eat his 15 pre-game hamburgers and dominate the offense tomorrow but if he doesn't last 9 - game over, Reds sweep.

Ramon Ramirez was solid again. He showed some weakness in the first before settling in and lasting six and exiting with only one hit allowed. I know my favorite nerds aren't enamored with his arm but he has looked pretty sharp. He appears to have locked up the fifth starter role for the remainder of the season. So, we'll get the chance to see if the league catches up to that 89 mph fastball. The picture above is new arrival Jon Adkins. He has middle of the road stuff which has allowed him to bounce around the league but tonight he was the beneficiary of a poor outing by main man Burton. One third of an inning, one win for the season. I look forward to your next third of an inning, which of course, will result in another victory.

The offense was not too bad tonight against Suppan, who for some reason, gives the Reds the fits. He confuses them with all of his fancy talk. Encarnacion sandwiched a two-run bomb around a couple of nice-looking errors. There was nothing routine about that pop up to third. Bruce followed up Eddie's bomb with one of his own. Then Phillips grew weary of the lengthy game and shut things down in the 11th. This was after his technique of bunting the ball with exposed fingers backfired, breaking one of his digits. He needs those fungers to show off the many impressive rings he has accumulated since coming to Cincinnati. "Shit man, how am I supposed to point out the snitches with this big ol' brace on my hand? Fuck." Looks like it might be Danny Richar time at the five position. Assuming he didn't lose his passport picking up his first hit today. Zing, Danny you know we're kidding. You're alright. Reds! Reds! Reds!

The Reds Can Do Without Innings One Through Eight, Reds 5-4

For the second consecutive night the Reds took things easy against a mediocre starting pitcher only to let loose against an otherwise reliable closer. I know it was Solomon Torres, who's like 65, but he's been the anti-Gagne for most of 2008. He loaded the bases for Keppinger who brought home the tying and winning run with a double off the left field wall. Being the equal opportunity Corky Patterson blog that we are, he kept things going with a knock off the pitcher prior to Kep's at bat but that shouldn't surprise anyone.

So, it looks like Dusty's got things rolling. It's too bad that he Dusty Baker'd the Reds for the first five months of the season. Now that the post season is out of the question, he can relax, wear a do-rag under his hat and really get to managing the shit out of this thing.

Volquez worked hard for 5 and a third, striking out 10, mixing in a couple of home runs. One by Jason Kendall who rakes, so he can't feel too bad about that. Then the bullpen kept the Brewers from extending things for the remainder of the game. Coco Cordero opted to keep runners off the basepaths. Bor-ing. Where were the walks and infield hits to which we've grown accustomed? Next time. The author has decided that the feeling after wins is preferable to losses, so let's keep it up. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds, I Give You Diamonds, You Give Me Disease....Wait a Minute, Reds Win 4-3

The author would like to begin things by giving a heart felt thank you to Cubs closer Kerry Wood. Wood has never seemed particularly unlikeable, compared to other members of his team. He has monster talent, a string of Dusty-inflicted arm injuries (hey-o!) and still isn't a complete asshole. But if he's going to surrender a series victory to the Reds, I'm going to enjoy every second of Cabrera standing at home plate waving his hands and juggling oranges while the winning run crosses the plate. For those of you swept up in "Bingle Fever" you missed quite a ballgame. If an opening day loss to the Ravens doesn't return your loyalty to the Reds, well, come on back. Optimism only increases anxiety.

The Reds blew the Cubs out on Friday, getting Arroyo his 14th, then felt bad and handed it back to Chicago on Saturday. Though they did show some late heart. They learned a lesson during that game, that if they're going to score 9 runs they must allow 8 or fewer. Dusty went over it with them after the game. They felt more prepared for today's game. I know they looked awful until the 9th but if you've learned anything this season it's that you can't give up on the Reds offense. They'll treat you right. That and they prevented Harang from losing another game that he probably didn't deserve to lose. I say probably because RBI doubles allowed to Ronny Cedeno will not be tolerated. So, for those of you keeping track, that's the 7th loss in 8 games for the Cubs down the stretch. We all knew they had it in them, though, at this late date it may be difficult to play themselves out of the playoffs. Another first round loss will be just as painful and enjoyable. I'm still rooting for a regular season meltdown.

On to the bad news, it appears that my computer is no longer functional. Fortunately, I have a backup but no Photoshop. So, in the interim perhaps some readers would like to create some artwork for the site. Suggestions include: Rick Ankiel receiving a lobotomy; the Brewer mascot giving birth to a pineapple; the St. Valentine's Day massacre recreated with past and present Cub media personalities (I'd recommend at least one of the corpses be Len Kasper); Bronson Arroyo playing guitar with the Doobie Brothers, the Michael McDonald version; or Alan Thicke in a Reds uniform. I'd been meaning to do the final suggestion for quite a while. Anyway, Breworms tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Guest Contribution: Petey Hendrix 9/7 Edition

For this edition Petey addresses the answer to the question, "Of all the active major league general managers, whom is the biggest doucheberg?" The answer, obviously, since Steve Phillips is retired from the front office, is our old pal Bowden. See if you can correctly answer to the next portion of the Jim Bowden multiple choice quiz; to by successful, a person in his (Bowden's) position must have: a) frosted tips; b) a segue; c) a voracious appetite women who hung around the Reds locker room in 1985; d) all mentioned.

Six Degress of ‘Ol Leatherpants by Petey Hendrix

Let’s play a bit of Reds player movement history, taking a look at what surprising pedigrees we find when we delve into players past…ignoring cash considerations, let’s see what players remain from deals past…

Let’s start with Bill Bray, who’s damn good. We got him in “the trade” with the Washington Nationals in which Jim Bowden tried to unload two injured pitchers to “stick it” to the Reds: Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Ryan Wagner for Bill Bray, Daryl Thompson, Gary Majewski, Royce Clayton, and Brendan Harris. Good news gang: it looks like we stuck it to ‘Ol Leatherpants instead! Almost as much fun as screwing over Bowden, check out how we initially got Felipe Lopez: a 4-way trade in 2002 that had Reds then-GM Bowden giving up Elmer Dessens for Lopez. So one could say, in part, that we got currently-25-year-old Bill Bray for a now-retired Elmer Dessens, and screwed Jim Bowden in the process. Good times.

OK, let’s talk Nick Masset. Not great, but solid so far, and better than paying Griffey to stand in the batter’s box, admiring a double that he’ll stretch into a single. We got Masset and IF Danny Richar for Griffey. Griffey we got for Mike Cameron, Brett Tomko, and a couple of throw-ins. But Cameron we got straight up for Paul Konerko. And Konerko we got with Dennys Reyes for Jeff Shaw, whom we had signed as a free agent. So Nick Masset and Danny Richar are actually leftover by-products of Bowden lying to free-agent Shaw by trading him away after he signed for a hometown discount. Pretty cool. Even cooler if Bowden remains the Nationals’ GM, and Masset no-hits them next year.

Tired of JTM commercials? They couldn’t make Bronson Arroyo look worse in my eyes, nor on my grill. But he’s a bit of a parlay acquisition, himself: Bronson was acquired for Wily Mo Pena. Pena was acquired in a trade with the Yankees for Michael Coleman and Drew Henson. And the Reds got Coleman and Donnie Sadler from the Red Sox for Chris Stynes. And the Reds got Stynes and Jon Nunnally in 1997 for Scott Service and Hector Carrasco. I always liked Hector…whom we got in 1993 with Gary Scott in exchange for Chris Hammond. So Chris Hammond eventually got recycled into Bronson Arroyo. That’s solid.

Quirky: Scott Service pitched for 9 organizations over a 12-year major league career, yet was only traded once.

Try this one: We got Matt Belisle by trading away Kent Mercker…then we re-signed Mercker. Not great, but it earns an ironic smirk.

Also quirky: The Reds traded Paul O’Neill for Roberto Kelly. Worst trade the Reds ever made, according to some. Then they traded Kelly for Deion Sanders, whom they traded for Dave Burba, whom they traded for Sean Casey. Casey was unceremoniously traded for Dave Williams…which stunk. But we traded Williams for a righty reliever prospect named Robert Manual, who tore up AA this year at age 24 to the tune of a 1.37 ERA and 0.810 WHIP in 45 games. He’s now with AAA Louisville. Say what you will kids…it’s pretty tasty to still have a hot prospect in our systems as the result of a bad trade in 1992 for a player who is now 46 years old.

So…thanks, Leatherpants! Your residue remains. We’re grateful your sweaters are gone.

Eh, Nice Hit Eh, Eh....Reds 8-6 Weiners

Propelled by the injury of teammate Josh Fogg, the Reds fought one out today against maybe the worst big league lineup I've ever seen. Mientkiewicz hitting third had to be a joke and a good one at that. And it almost worked, Pirates, but you it didn't win and now you leave Cincinnati as partial losers. Get out of town.

Fogg pulled up lame running the bases and had to exit. That is a killer. Word is that the man with the golden arm has a yank in his crank region. Now who's the team going to turn to when they need 4 innings and a 6 run deficit?

There were many points of interest regarding the offense today. You may have noticed an important name cog missing in the eighth spot in the batting order, that's right Dusty gave Corey Patterson the day off. Starting in his place, for the first time in his career, was Wilkin Castillo. He scored the go-ahead and got his hand stomped by Craig Hanson. Nice first start Willie. Votto had a fine game, knocking in a couple. He must be wearing denim under that uniform, because he's been hot. Red hot. And Canadians wear a lot of denim, that's why I mention that and not another fabric. Bruce hit a rocket into the empty stands but it's the Pirates' staff that deserves the real credit. Apparently they're not willing to concede the offense is the worst part of the club. Keep up the good work gang. Garbage-eating bears limp into town tomorrow. Give them a shitty-looking haircut while they're in a weakened state and can't fight back. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Lose To a Bunch of Pumpkin Eating Hippos, 6-5

Those who weren't wearing patriotically-themed hats and shaking tiny American flags at the TV during the Republican National Convention, were treated to a fine ballgame by your Cincinnati Reds. That part where the hippopotamus seated in the left field bleachers ate that pumpkin was probably the highlight. I have a hard time recalling what else happened but I'm pretty sure it didn't conclude with the Reds dropping a second consecutive game to the Pirates. A team, to reiterate, had lost 10 consecutive games before making the trip to Cincinnati.

Okay, maybe I do remember a schizophrenic start by Volquez, striking out 13 Pirates, but leaving after giving up 4 runs during two innings where someone flipped his switch from "dominant" to "hittable". Outside of the 4th and 6th innings, he was super duper. But the bovines in the bullpen couldn't contain the potent Pittsburgh offense and Andy Phillips wasn't interested in putting the ball in play with the bases loaded. We did get to see Castillo's first hit as a Red, who was that guy the Reds traded to get him? A performance like that makes it hard to recall. Reds go on a salvage mission tomorrow, the author predicts success.

Harang Getting Angry, Harang Smash, Pirates 3-2

I'd hate to be the bedside table at the Harang residence tonight. He's going to turn all green and punch that table until it splinters, then maybe break through a wall of the house and run down the block in cut-off jeans. I just hope he didn't get a flat tire on the way home from the park or else he's going to have to go down to the ravine again tomorrow and retrieve it.

The author had not realized, prior to the game, how poorly the Pirates have been acting as a baseball team. Leading up to today, they had lost ten games in a row. The Reds haven't even put together a streak like that, yet. There's still time. But that didn't stop the local offense from turning back into a turd sandwich once the Giants left town. Ian Snell es muy horrible. That was some play by Patterson in center, taking the homer away from DeLoage, but he came to his senses by the time he came to the plate with runners on first and third with one out in the sixth. Now that's Corey Patterson. Chris Dickerson continues to hit it like a Dickerson, now if the rest of you would join in. Beat the Pirates the next two days.