Pujols Remembers He's the Best Player in Baseball, Cards 5-4

Even with the additional motivation of playing for the National Society of Kittens Trapped in Tea Cups the Reds couldn't quite finish the sweep of the Cardinals. It's going to be hard facing those cats and their sad little faces tomorrow.

Volquez, again, struggled with his control and elevated a fastball with a couple runners on board and Big Al took him out of the yard. But he kept the Reds in the game because when he bothered to keep the ball over the plate, the Cardinals weren't hitting it very hard. The offense was paced by the hot bat of Adam Rosales, who broke his career high of hits in a game (1, done twice) by picking up a RBI single and later a double. That guy is alright. But the reappearance of Paul Bako in lineup didn't provide the spark expected. The key is to keep running him out there, the hits will come. Of that, I am confident.

Meet the Winner of the Feed Your Child To Aaron Harang Competition, Reds 3-0

I guess it depends on how badly you want to see the Reds win. If the answer is very much, donate your kid to the Reds and Harang's trainers will feed it to the giant monster for nourishment. There are some very proud parents this evening as Harango tossed a complete game shutout for win numero cinco. The author's limited vocabulary makes description of the recent starting pitching simply, er, unpossible. Reds starters good. Harang large and in charge.

Harang's dominance tonight was only rivaled by the quality of the offensive lineup Dusty ran onto the field tonight. No Eddie meant Andy Phillips playing third base and hitting in the clean-up slot. And he really made a monkey out of me, getting the Reds on the board first with his second bomb of the year. Bruce followed him up with a solo shot of his own. Then Janish capped things with his first big league shot. Paul's big bat has been in hibernation since his first week with the club. After that he determined that he was okay with being overmatched and has been a pretty efficient out-making machine. I would like to introduce the term "outomaton." Feel free to use it frequently in conversation. Your friends will be intrigued by your creativity. But that's all in the past, Janish rakes.

The win tonight increased the Cardinals streak of many losses, to seven, which is a very nice number to wind down the season. St. Louis fans can still call into national radio shows and talk about what great managerial work LaRussa has done with the team that he has. The Reds Rocket will concede that Tony's alright but no Dusty Baker. That's a manager you can set your watch to. Reds sweep tomorrow and you'll love it. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Enjoy Special, Fried Cardinal, Reds 7-2

The Reds continued their late season surge by picking the Cardinals' weakened body off the ground and hitting it with one of those big, red plastic bats. They are a bunch of heartless bastards. After playing it cool against Braden Looper for 5 innings, Encarnacion doubled in three in the 6th, then the gang picked up a single run in the 7th and three more in the 8th. No big deal, the Cards have given up for the season and are content to take beatings in the remainder. The Reds are willing to accept the free wins.

Arroyo set a career high in wins with his 15th tonight. If you subtract the 1 IP and 10 earned runs allowed at Toronto on June 24th, when he was up late curing and smoking that moose that Votto killed, and the 7 he allowed in 1.1 innings against Atlanta on May 4 when he took full advantage of the free soda during his tour of the Coke plant and was unable to get any sleep, and you've got yourself a 3.79 ERA as opposed to the 4.57 he's currently at. Regardless, pretty solid numbers. Now if he would just give in a pull that weave of his back into a ponytail you'd have the coolest guy in the Major Leagues. He's got two more starts, keep it in mind Bronson. Team continues to dominate meaningless games tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Celebrate Despite, Wait, Because of Corey Patterson. Reds 2-1

Reds fans were treated to two consecutive extra-innings victories on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday ended when everyone's new favorite player Micah Owings doubled in Dickerson in his first at bat, first appearance on the field, as a Red. It was pretty sweet, however, I do not look forward to the letters to the editor, 'Why don't we just use Owings on offense, like Rick Ankiel? He hit well in college and it would be a very easy transition.' That, of course, is stupid. The author is considering getting an Owings jersey. On my current budget, with the big RazorGator money backing me, it may become a reality.

Today, the Reds only bothered to pick up three hits. A Votto single and then two bombs, one by Bruce and the other in the 10th by Patterson. He smoked it, right off the foul pole. I still took the time to inform the Diamondback supporters that Patterson really is the worst bat in the National League. Maybe in the majors. I think that made the loss sting a little bit more. That made David Weathered a winner and Coco the saver for the second night in a row. We all went home happy, thinking of how we will, many years from now, recall seeing the major league debuts of both Roenicke and Pettyjohn.

For those of you interested and who have not been, the following is a brief description of Chase Field to broaden your baseball horizons. I have now been to 6 games, so I am an expert:

-The park is nice, the roof is always closed except for very early and late season games.
-They have venders, most with ponytails (pony-tail!), selling, among other items, snake rattles, which are fit-inducing. So, the ideal gift for children. I think the objective was to see how much of the game can be spent using the rattle like a maraca. The children next to me Saturday fared well, maintaining a consistent rattle for 8 and a third of the 10 innings.
-All the photos of the Diamondbacks on the JumboTron have the players looking very thoughtful, pensive even, and either looking off into the distance or slightly to the left and up at the sky. Like they were saying, hey what's going on in the sky is very interesting. I bet you wish you could see it. 'Hey, there's Mitch Hedberg' Chris Young says.
-The crowd at game time is at least a quarter opposition and by the 5th inning one half. It did not take John Rauch long to be unanimously despised. Arizonans do not relate to his neck tattoo.
-Mark Reynolds is one of the worst players in baseball and do not accept a response stating otherwise.
-In Arizona, Dusty does not respond to fans yelling 'Hey dumb fuck, get Volquez out of the game. He's thrown 118 pitches.' He just ignores you, not like in Cincinnati.
-And finally, Corey Patterson is awesome at all ballparks.

Reds Lose Because of David Eckstein, Reds Rocket No Longer Supports Reds, D-Bags 3-2

The author was in attendance last night, as I will be the next two nights, and let me tell you, nothing like watching David Eckstein in person. Because if you thought he was awful on television, well, he's also pretty awful witnessed live at the ballpark. He scored two runs, one on a chopper off the plate that Harang tossed into right field and the second on a wild pitch following an eighth inning walk. I wasn't wearing my 80-year-old man portable radio headphones at the game, so I was unable to hear the announcers talk about his scrappiness, the little things that he does to help his ballclub win. But I know they were, I'm pretty sure Mark Grace is retarded. Like hit .150/.205/.190 and play a below-average second base. You can suck it Eckstein.

Harang looked like he's back on the snake diet, eating an entire goat once a month. It saves his trainers time and gives his boiler an even more distinguished look. You just have to be careful to keep your hands away from his cage. He'll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it if you get between him and a meal. But it appeared to have paid off. The big monster was perfect through three and left after 7 after allowing just the one unearned run on four hits. Unfortunately for him, his strong start coincided with the offense's decision to help Brandon Webb get back on track. Living in Arizona, I have bombarded with articles asking what is the deal with Brandon Webb? He was pretty good and recently he hasn't been so good. He was pretty good again last night. The local news stations all wanted to be the first to ask him how it feels to win 20 games. 'You know, it feels pretty good.' That's right folks, you heard it here first, Brandon Webb says wining 20 games feels pretty good.

Once Webb was finally out of the game, the Reds did put together a mini rally against Brandon Lyon. Eddie, Valentin, and Patterson (?) singled to load the bases up for Keppinger, who knocked in the Reds' two runs of the game. But Jerry Jr. struck out to end things. Way to go Jerry. Volquez goes up against an aging mullet tonight. I'll be wearing my Kal Daniels jersey in the right field bleachers if anyone wants to call me a jerkoff or punch me in the stomach.

Bring Me The Usual, 15 Miller Lights Coming Up Mr. Weathers, Brewers 4-3

The author tuned into the game late today, just in time to see the lead the Reds carved out against Sabathia erased by Stormy. We know what that means, double fudge ice cream sundae, fried, then served in a 70 proof bourbon sauce. Enjoy yourself tonight, there are only a few leads left to blow this season. Have to take advantage of the opportunities when they present themselves.

Hairston Jr. provided the offense today, taking a Sabathia pitch into the left field seats. And Bronson Arroyo, what can we say about the boy of late other than lights out. He went 7, allowed only two unearned runs and left with his 15th win well within reach. For the majority of the second half, he has been, with all Reds bias tempered accordingly, one of the better pitchers in the National League. Maybe he should be allowed to slander/mention things he heard Dunn say in the locker room and occasionally spout off about what management needs to do to create a contending ball club. I am fairly certain he knows at least as much as Bill Bavasi when it comes to winning ballgames. When he was in Boston, the majority of the post-game concerts with Epstein were along those lines. The songcraft that went into all those alterative rock hits about the business of baseball was amazing.

Day off tomorrow while the team makes the trip to the desert. I have volunteered to show them some very nice cacti.

Big Frucking Nasty, I Won't Hesitate To Call You My Big Frucking Friend

With the news coming across the wire yesterday that Todd Coffey had been designated, we knew his time in Cincinnati was running short. Well, today, in a move which shouldn't surprise anyone, our pal Big Frucking Nasty was claimed by Milwaukee. The Brewers, citing the need for relief help as the impetus for the move, appear to be unaware of what Nasty brings to the table. He'll show you his 40 time coming out of the bullpen. He'll 4 and a half Whoppers before every game. He may even make time with your special lady. But when it comes to helping your bullpen, er, I think you Brewers are thinking of someone else.

After a more or less solid 2006 (81G, 60K's in 78 IP but 85 hits allowed) where he even got the opportunity to act as closer for a little while, 2007 and 2008 were not up to the newly increased expectations. He wa shuttled between Cincinnati and Louisville last year on a regular basis but still found the time to give up 12 bombs in a little over 50 innings. This year he was treated with less patience, only lasting 17 games with an ERA over 6. Dusty just doesn't have the loyalty of some of our other skippers. Here's the timeline:

- April 19, 2005: major league debut
- September 5, 2005: receives t-shirt from teammates which reads "Bun in the Oven," later revealed to be his favorite gift he's ever received
- May 5, 2006: first Major League win
- June 22, 2006: ate 16 bowls of spaghetti at local all-you-can-eat buffet. Is told that it is a record, has his photo taken, framed and hung on the wall. It is still there.
- August 8, 2006: first Major League save
- October 22, 2006: wins 2006 World's Most Attractive Man competition, few are suprised
- May 22, 2007: grows goatee which is believed to be the source of his success
- May 25, 2007: shaves goatee which is believed to be the source of his ineffectiveness
- September 5, 2008: argument with fan over whether or not Coffey is a "fat fucker" has to be broken up by pitching coach Ted Power. Coffey later concedes that the fan was probably correct
- September 9, 2008: designated for assignment by Cincinnati
- September 10, 2008: signed by Milwaukee

You will be missed Todd. He sure to tell everyone in Milwaukee that you prefer Big Frucking Nasty. That might be something which doesn't show up in your bio.