So, If You're Out Tonight, Don't Forget, If You're On Your Bike, Wear White

With the close of the regular season, it's time to use some of the pictures I've compiled throughout the season, which I've either forgotten about or not had the opportunity to use. The first of which is the Hulk who just hurt his hand changing a tire. He'll regret his actions later, as he's hitchhiking out of town but those jean shorts sure look sharp.

Reds finished the season with a big old 'w' but did allow the Cubs to clinch the division with the subpar performances the first two games. So, even though they'll have the worst record of all the playoff teams, the Cubs still get to be involved. But just ask the Mets how it feels to have hope raised, then crushed. Fortunately, the Reds were never really in contention, so my hope was never raised to the point it could be effectively dashed. The victory today was fueled by Joey Votto's monster day. A bomb and a double knocked in five. Bailey was not excellent, but wins are important to a young pitcher. Way to beat the Cubs JV team and finish the season on a high note.

The next few days will be filled with various recaps of the season before the author my offseason disguise, featured to the right, and heads underground. The moustache is real human hair. I know my personal analysis is what keeps the audience coming back. Who's ready for 2008?

Reds Support Belisle With Worst Lineup In Major League History, Surprisingly Lose Fifth Straight

I can just imagine the look on Belisle's face when he checked out the lineup card before taking the field today. So, he knew what he had to accomplish and was close to it, pitching perfect baseball for six innings. But he gave up a couple of runs in the seventh and then the bullpen followed with an uncharacteristic implosion and the Reds lost again. But Mr. Redlegs did wrestle an astronaut into submission prior to the game. Shove it up your ass Mr. Aldrin.

The author lacks the mental capabilities to research or quantify tonight's lineup, but offensively, it had to make a list somewhere. Either best or worst, you choose. Votto and Encarnacion are at least young players who will likely have productive major league careers. But, as well as Hopper and Keppinger [he was waived prior to the season by the Royals] have played in the second half, they're both journeymen and have about as much power as Betty White, post Golden Girls, combined. Then big time acquisition Cantu hit 5th, followed by Daggum Ross making a rare appearance out of the eight hole. I suppose he can strikeout just as effectively at six as he can at eight. "Daggum, I swear Skip I'm gonna to hit that ball over them mountains." Then Mackanin wrapped things up with Pervis Ellison, who simply has one of the worst bats I have ever witnessed, but evidently a little better than Pedro Lopez, as he was slotted in front of him in the order. At least Pedro didn't get hit in the face. Though there is still some room for improvement, as the team reactiviated Mark Belhorn. Get him in at third base and that's a lineup you can set your watch to. But boy would that have been sweet if Eddie's bomb held up and the Reds got the win. Maybe tomorrow against the Cubs, no better way to crush a team and a city's spirits than beating them with a line-up that screams get this season over already. Go get 'em boys.

Reds Have No Interest in Your Baseball But How About That Brandon Phillips? Astros 7-6

Sure the Reds have lost four in a row [coasting towards a more favorable draft position, watch out Baltimore], Dunn and Griffey are out for the remainder of the year with Spongy Hoof Disease and a partially torn coin purse, respectively, and tonight's starting outfield consisted of Norris Hopper, Buck Coats, and Pervis Ellison. But something notable did happen between the nine innings of shitty baseball between the Reds and A-holes; with his homer in the first, B. Phillips became the second second baseman to steal 30 bases and hit 30 bombs in the same season. Considering that he was acquired last season from Cleveland for a ticket to see Dane Cook, some shiny beads, and smallpox inoculations for the Indians front office, that's one hell of a deal. Though Cook's dinosaur impression is spot on and hilarious.

As second basemen go, Alfonso Soriano is the only other to accomplish the feat and just to be an asshole, he's done it three times [once more as an outfielder]. But don't let that diminish the impact of Phillips' accomplishment. Stealing bases is a real pain in the ass. It gets the uniform dirty and that just takes away from the appeal of his patented Kool-Aid brand smile. With the bomb tonight, he joins a list which includes such subtastic talents as: Dante Bichette, Preston Wilson, Jose Cruz Jr., and as Reds Rocket number one super guy Last Unitard pointed out, Ron Gant [just check out the size of my biceps]. There are even a couple of other Reds on the list, Barry Larkin and Eric Davis but neither of them did the codeine lean during their homerun trot, lessening their appeal.

In a season of such profound disappointment, it's nice to see that at least one member of the Reds is still trying, trying fill up the stat sheet to reach personal goals, but trying none the less. Brandon Phillips, you're all right. If Tom Shearn is going to pitch like he did tonight, he might as well not even get up out of the trunk of his Ford Tempo, where he lives. The console doubles as the restroom.

Reds Take It One Day at a Time, Astros 8-5

Just because the Reds have, technically, been eliminated from playing meaningful baseball until next season, is no reason to stop paying attention to the series with the Astros. At least Dane Cook isn't yelling at me about the joy of Reds baseball. I'd make that sacrifice every season. That guy's a real toolbox.

Tonight, Bailey started and wasn't all that impressive. He was given a lead but gave it back with help from Coutlangus and some pretty awful defense behind him. Votto made his debut as the three hitter and hit a bomb in his first at bat, but did little else to aid the team afterwards. He did commit an error in left, which I suppose kept Bailey's ERA down. Nice work Joey. Hopper got a couple of hits at the top of the order and drove in not one, but two runs on the season. That gives him a total of 14 for the season, which, coincidentally, is also the number of toes he has. That's what makes him such an effective leadoff hitter. Tom Shearn emerges from the den he's built under the mound to dominate the Astronauts tomorrow. Yeah!

Reds Lose to a Bunch of Sack Specialists, Giants 5-4

The author was watching another sport today and Jim Nantz, you know your favorite announcer next to Phil Simms, of course, among other simply idiotic comments/attempts at sounding less like a robot, referred to a member of the Chargers as a "San Diego Sack Specialist." I am not a moron and understand football and the term "sack", but I'm pretty sure that term would be offensive to just about everyone from San Diego. Just try asking politely, "pardon sir, since you are from San Diego, are you by any chance a sack specialist?" I understand that this opening is not in any way related to Reds baseball, but we're running low on material around here. A series loss to the Giants? Any reason to pay attention from now on? Yes, many. Let's start with the featured photo:

Because we're running low on season, I decided it was time to reprise the Big Frucking Nasty spring training photo. He did throw a scoreless inning,which is cause for at least a minor celebration. Maybe a Busch Light and a half container of candy beans. Baseball games no longer contain "This is Our Country," or that iPod commercial with the woman singing, I think the song goes something like "my voice drives nails in your brain." The author can't be alone in thinking that when medicine has progressed to the point of saving John Mellencamp from a massive coronary, we've crossed the line to playing god. Also, that Norris Hopper, Jeff Keppinger, Jorge Cantu top of the order [especially when Coats substituted for Dunn] will go down as possibly the most fantastic top of the order in the history of major league baseball. As we Reds fans know, they are not only excellent ball players but fine men and excellent citizens. Finally, the author is really looking forward to crushing some Chicago soul next week. But that's still a while off.

For today, the lack of comment is in response to Harang's performance. Beat the goddamned Giants and pick up number 17. Pedro Feliz is, how you say, a piece of trash. Last day off tomorrow, enjoy it team. Maybe you can talk to Griffey about his reptured testical. I know that's what I would be doing. "Did it feel more like someone zotted you with a cattle prod or conked you with a ball peen hammer?"

Ah My Groin, But Reds Beat Giants 4-2

As disappointing as it was to see the Reds lose the series to the Cubs, putting them back in first place, Griffey yank his groin and take the rest of the season off, that victory today over the Giants tonight sure was sweet. Not only did Bailey return and pitch well but he did so against a lineup which had at least four players I wasn't aware existed. You're not going to hold Eugenio Velez to one hit in three at bats very often, that's how effective Bailey was tonight. Throw in Nate Schierholtz in right, Guillermo Rodriguez behind the plate, and Rajai Davis, that's a very impressive lineup. This was a demonstration of what we Reds fans have to look forward to in the future.

McBeth still isn't able outs without first giving up some runs but Hopper had a nice night at the plate, dribbling grounders through the infield. And let me tell you 'bout Jason Ellison, that guy is an out of this world talent. Keppinger drove in two and Jorge Cantu added a pinch RBI double. Quite a game, one I'm sure everyone is very interested. At least we get to see more of Buck Coats. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Weathers Pre/Post Game