Thursday, March 29, 2007

To preview this year’s club, I’ve broken the team down positionally into categories of how they can best benefit me. I believe this is the best and most relevant way to preview any team.

3. Which member of the bullpen would have the best suggestion on how to treat the problem I’m having with my digestive system?

Bill Bray: some people feel that trading two key offensive components (as well as a recent first round draft pick) to Washington for a middle reliever (who is by no means valueless, it only seems that way because of Bowden and the frosted tips which control his inherent evilness), two middle infielders of varying ages but similar ability, a low minors pitcher and Bray, was something less than genius. But that is seriously underestimating the value of Bray, who was reportedly the linchpin of the trade. He’s likely to take the first part of the season off, so he can relax and get his head together, but after that expect a lights out late inning reliever with the cures for what ails you.

Todd Coffey: for some reason, in the low minors Coffey was known, as the Reds failed Japanese import used to say, “Big Frucking Nasty.” This handsome fellow, settled into a very effective setup role last season (60 K’s in 78 IP, righties hit just .242). Rumor has it that during the offseason Coffey added a split finger pitch to allow him to miss more bats, making him even more frucking nasty. But the question is, what does the Forest City, North Carolina native know about digestion? Perhaps a better question is, what doesn’t he know? The answer--nothing.

Kirk Saarloos: as Kirk knows, the digestive system is a very complicated organ. It’s like a long tube, some nine meters in total, through the middle of the body. It starts at the mouth, where food and drink enter the body, and finishes at the anus, where leftover food and wastes leave the body. The large intestine is 5 feet long and the small intestine is about 22. It’s really very fascinating stuff. But what does he recommend to someone confronted with the inevitable problems of an aging tract? How about some of that fresh Long Beach salad he’s bringing to the Great American Ballpark this season. Each of the last two seasons he’s had fewer strikeouts than walks, (53 Ks 54 Walks in 2005, 52/53 in ’06) but that’s something which concerns him not. He throws sinkers and hitters ground out and that is something that Reds fans will like very much.
*Update: Saarloos may not actually support a healthy digestive system

David Weathers: if 16 years of major league relief has taught Carl Weathers anything it’s how to deal with a disrespectful digestive system. The first step is to find some ladies, preferably by yelling at them from the bullpen during the game. That’s the best way to get their attention. Then after the game (or as early as the 6th depending on whether we feel like pitching today) we’re going to Chili’s for happy hour, where we’re going to eat something which is wrapped in bacon, fried in bacon, or stuffed with bacon. The beers are cheap, so the 30 or so we knock back won’t even use up our per diem. Then we’ll head somewhere that has a good jukebox, you know, Pronounced Leh-nerd Skin-nerd has to be in there. We’ll hang out for a while then onto Denny’s for a three meat scramble and a third of an apple pie. If that doesn’t clean you out, better make that appointment with Dr. Jellyfinger.

Rheal Cormier: ESPN reports that Rheal may be on the trading block. This is discouraging news considering the paucity of French Canadians on the team. Who are Guy and Jean-Baptiste going to support when they come down from Moncton? Maybe if Reds management knew a little more about New Brunswick, they might think twice before acting.

- New Brunswick, the largest of Canada's three Maritime provinces, is nestled under Quebec's Gaspé Peninsula and beside the State of Maine.
- The eastern boundary is entirely coastal and delightfully dotted with warm, sandy beaches...the warmest salt water north of Virginia.
- Shediac is the home of the world’s biggest fake lobster. It’s 15 feet high and weighs 90 tons. That’s a wicked big lobster.

So, there, ignore the fact that this situational lefty wasn’t all that effective against left-handed batters (.247 for righties/.289 against lefties) and remember our neighbors, no, our friends to the north. And by the way, it’s a fact that Canadians don’t know anything about the American digestive system.

Mike Stanton: Stanton has played for so many unlikable teams over the course of his long career; 1991-95 Braves, 97-02 Yankees, and most recently with the ’06 Giants, that I’m afraid he could spread this same pestilence to this year’s Reds team, or even worse, my bowels. He’s going to require at least a month of careful observation.

Dustin Hermanson: the fact that Hermanson sat unsigned until the beginning of March did not deter the Reds from inviting him to spring training and giving him every opportunity to win the closer’s role. And why not? Last year’s vacation with his old friend, Inflamed Lower Back, gave the 34-year-old reliever time to reflect upon his long, distinguished career. The opportunity to return home (he’s Ohio born and a Kent State Golden Flash) and add some structure to the ninth inning, will undoubtedly cement the genius of the Reds front office. Additionally, the stock photo of Hermanson makes it impossible to believe that someone who wears a beard which is so geometrically complex, doesn’t know how to solve basic digestive problems. Let me extend a warm welcome to you, Dustin Hermanson.
*Update: looks like Hermanson has decided to take his show on the road by refusing to report to AAA. Tough break for those of us who were looking forward to a season of nagging back injuries and reduced velocity. Bring me a double order of the Coutlangus!

Jared Burton: a rule 5 selection with supposed plus stuff and with Bray (and Majewski) possibly hitting the DL to start the season, he may stick around for a while longer. Last year at AA Midland, 4.14 66 Ks in 74 inning pitched, 71 hits allowed. But to tell you the truth, I smell a charlatan. If he makes the squad, we’ll need to find out where his loyalties lie.

1 comment:

The Last Unitard said...

Just saying the name Saarloos makes me need to shit.

Great posts, by the way. I look forward to stopping by throughout the season and comparing wrist cut scars with you.

This year I'm cautiously cautiously optimistic.