Monday, April 30, 2007

Gonzalez Player of the Week

Today the author noticed a familiar name among the Players of the Week, the Reds very own Alex Gonzalez. Even though he is sharing the award with noted melvin Chase Utley, it's still quite an honor. At the beginning of the year, how many of the readership predicted that Alex Gonzalez would be the first Cincinnati player of the week? The author would guess, somewhere in the 75% range. This guy is solid and we all knew that coming in this season. As stated previously, the author expects this sort of performance every week for the rest of the season. So, let's continue to focus out there. Don't want to let anyone down.

PS. Since this site has always been so supportive, can I have your commemorative plaque? I'll write a letter to the idiots at Yahoo Fantasy Sports on your behalf. I'm pretty sure they'll even recognize your superiority over AAAngel Berroa (get it, he's in AAA).


The author tries to bring as little of his personal life, which does not directly relate to the Cincinnati Reds, into this blog. But today, since it's a travel day, maybe one of the members of the team would like to give him a hand with some school work. Being that the author is not always particularly wise with his time throughout the semester, [see mindless recaps of baseball games interspersed with"funny" commentary] the week directly proceeding final examinations serves as very important time period. Well, that week is upon us [we get to type our exams, that's why the chimp is at the typewriter] and the author would hate for the two years of hard work to become a certified medical billing specialist, to go down the drain. I just can't wait to get all that paperwork in front of me. The author has compiled a list of potential tutors, based upon educational merit, who could possibly provide assistance.

1. Kirk Saarloos, Cal State-Fullerton - the author doesn't know much about Fullerton other than they're typically good at baseball. Phil Nevin and Mark Kotsay seem like pretty smart guys and they both went there. And by all accounts, Saarloos graduated, though the author's cursory search did not indicate in what field of study. We'll keep him in the maybe category.

2. Eddie Guardado, San Joaquin Delta Coll. CA (J.C) - the author had almost forgotten about "Every Six Months" Eddie, but he's sure to have a little free time. He did attend college, here’s the link, seems like a pretty nice place. The only problem is that in the top corner of the link there is a picture of a steamship. That seems okay, until you realize they're not the San Joaquin Delta College Boats, but the San Joaquin Delta College Mustangs. This raises serious questions regarding the quality of the education Eddie received.

3. Scott Hatteberg, Washington State - come on, he went to Washington State, no way this guy isn't an asset to anyone interested in learning.

4. David Weathers, Motlow State CC - this was another educational institution the author was not aware existed. This is in no way meant as a shot at the Motlow State Community College, I'm sure there are numerous fine institutions of which the author has not heard. However, this is the picture found on the home page

Seriously, that's the first image that comes up when you get to the school's website. I have no idea what to make of it.

5. Jeff Guy Conine, UCLA - now get this, Conine, who the author had no idea had the middle name of Guy, went to UCLA. He didn't graduate, but still, that's pretty impressive. He was on an economics track at the time he was drafted in the 58th round by the Royals. Looks like he is the winner of the privilege of stuffing information into the author's defective brain. Way to go Guy.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Aaron Harang's a Hell of Nice Guy, Reds Win 9-5

The Reds Rocket would like to welcome Edwin Encarnacion back to the plus side of the Mendoza line. With Griffey out of the lineup, he's been able to get some consistent at bats and appears to have remembered that he can hit the ball on a regular basis. With the three hits today [the big one a base clearing triple off predictably ineffective Maholm] pushed that average to .221. Pretty impressive. And with Daggum Ross now hitting right about what you'd expect from an average pitcher, the offense is really starting to show some signs of life. Harang did not have his best stuff today, but with plenty of support, he cruised to his fourth victory. Very nice way to finish a series against the Pirates. Have a nice day off tomorrow, sleep in, watch one of Bob Barket's last episodes of The Price is Right, or maybe take this opportunity to get some tips from Adam LaRoche, that guy can rake. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Hello Brad Salmon

Yesterday, after designating resident French Canadian Rheal Cormier, the Reds called up Brad Salmon from Louisville. He's been in the Reds system for seven years, so hopefully he pitches well enough to stick around. The author is not sure how excited he would be about returning to Kentucky. From the Reds team site, not that the author didn't already know this already, he features a mid-90s fastball, a slider, a two-seam sinker and a split-finger fastball. And apparently, when asked, he prefers not to give up late inning leads. That's a good sign. So, welcome Kippered Salmon. Enjoy your time in Cincinnati but the author would recommend avoiding the French Canadian restaurant and recreation area at Great American. Those guys hold a grudge.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Pirates No Match For Matt Belisle's First Pitch Strikes, 8-1

So, this seemed like a familiar beginning to the game. The Reds starter began the game very effectively, but the position players weren't to interested in reaching base, much less wasting time continuing all the way around to home plate. Both pitchers were perfect through through and third. But then Hambone drew a walk and Conine doubled him home. Gorzelanny heeded the author's advice and decided not to mislead Pirates fans any longer. He is a Pirates starter and from now on, will pitch like one. The offense added some more runs and B-Lizzle was outstanding. You hear me? Outstanding! 93 pitches is all that he felt like throwing tonight and each and every one was double filthy. Nicely done team. Plan on a series win tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Friday, April 27, 2007

So Long Chris Denofia, Hello Quote in Billy Beane's Next Finances of Baseball Book

The author is also a little late on this, but Chris Denorfia has been traded to the Oakland A's for a $5 Starbucks gift card and a promise of a Krivsky quote [which may include a humorous anecdote] appearing in the next book that Billy Beane publishes. Management has to be pretty happy with this deal. Denorfia is done until 2008 after undergoing Tommy John reconstructive elbow surgery but that gift card can be redeemed at their earliest convenience. And just think how smart the Reds will look when that book hits the shelves. Billy Beane is a genius! He's such a good GM he doesn't even need to win playoff games.

While the author has always liked Denorfia, the Reds outfield was getting a little crowded, especially with the, somewhat remote, possibility of Jay Bruce being ready by next spring. We here at the Reds Rocket wish you well in Oakland and don't see any reason you can't at least beat out Bobby Kielty next season. Give my regards to Too Short, we go way back.

Reds Bats Contract Pleurisy, Lose to Bucs 3-1

The author actually just learned what pleurisy is from his friends at Redleg Nation, during their in-game chat. They are a very knowledgeable group. So, not to let a chance to sound smart pass on by, the Reds' bats tonight appeared to have been suffering from inflammation of the lining of the pleural cavity surrounding the lungs, like Griffey, whose ailing chest cavity did make a brief appearance, drawing a walk in the 7th. This game would be more frustrating if Snell hadn't been overall pretty decent this year. But still, get some hits. And when there are guys on third with less than 2 outs, get them in. Dunn gave up his vow to only strikeout the rest of the season, to hit a bomb in the 9th. Though he was dropped to sixth in the lineup. That's probably not the ideal spot for him to take his swings, but again, I'm no Narron. We can all rest assured that Narron has the team losing for a reason, soon we will understand. An additional note, aside from the first, Milton's performance was tolerable.

Pittsburgh Probables

Since the Pirates lineup has already been previewed, the author thought the readership might be interested in the starting pitchers the Reds are likely to see in the next three games. It's hard to believe that the Pirates are at .500, but they are and it's largely because of the starting pitching and of course Jack Wilson, that guy's dynomite.

1. Ian Snell - bio says that he attended the same high school as Dave Williams, remember him? No wonder he's been pitching so well to open the season, Williams must have given him some tips this offseason. So far this season, 1-1 with a 2.00 ERA with good strikeout numbers, 24 in 27 innings. His teamates like to break his heart late in games as well, so he must be a jerk. The offense will have to remember that and not take it so easy on him.

2. Tom Gorzelanny - 3-0 with a 2.05 ERA to start the season? Come on Tom, you think that's the way to start your career in Pittsburgh? I know you were the team's 2006 Minor League Pitcher of the Year and that you might have "potential." But it's going to be a lot easier on you if you lower the city's expectations before you dash their hopes and crush their dreams. It's very important. Because you will, you will disappoint not only the city of Pittsburgh, but yourself. Keep that in mind tomorrow.

3. Paul Maholm - yeah, the author saw your last outing. Complete game shut out using only 99 pitches. Try doing that against a team that isn't the Astros then the author might believe you're not just another young Pirate left-hander with lots of unrealized potential. We'll keep an eye on you and see if you get to that coveted 8 win mark. I think they name a sandwich after you, might the author recommend the Paul Maholm suckwich.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Skip Schumaker Will Kill You, Reds Lose 7-5

On a day where the Reds sit Encarnacion, Griffey [late scratch due to illness] and Dunn, you would figure there would be no way they could lose. Hey, Juan Castro's finally getting an opportunity to hit in an RBI slot, that's great. And we all know Keisler's story, so there's no surprise when the author tunes in and the Reds are up 4-0. Daggum Ross even hit a home run but being the logical man he is, he was careful not to increase expectations, so he struck out with Hamilton on third when they could have possibly put the game away. But then Lohse gave up 15 singles in a row and the bullpen did their job, which appears to be increase any lead by the opposition. If you will turn your attention to the boxscore posted below, you'll see that Pujols, Rolen and Edmonds were 3 for 10 with a run scored and no RBIs. But of course when you've got weapons like Aaron Miles [2 hits], Skip Schumaker [3 hits, 2 RBI], and of course Adam Kennedy [2 doubles] and Scott Spezio, you don't need to worry when the middle of your order doesn't produce. It appears that all of those guys forgot, for one game at least, that they're terrible. Someone needs to remind those guys of their role on the team. Get in there and stink. But tomorrow is another day and a trip to Pittsburgh is almost certainly the cure to an ailing offense [though Ian Snell has been pretty good].


Afternoon game today against noted trader Randy Keisler. Randy has made two starts this year, both of which lacked character. He's winless but also lossless. Come on Randy, don't you think it's about time you choose a direction and stick with it? And the author has decided that today is as good of day as any for you to assert yourself, show everybody what Randy Keisler really is, a true bottom rung starting pitcher. Right up there with Tony Armas Jr. and Casey Fossum. At least you'll have an identity and remember, no press is bad press. We want less "who the hell's that guy" and more "that's Randy Keisler, he's the goddamned worst pitcher in the National League." No more anonymity for Randy. Now how about 7 runs over 2 1/3?

*Update: Mission accomplished. Keisler 3+ innings 6 hits 4 runs. You're on your way to notoriety. Congratulations!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Saarloos Refuses to Let Opportunity to Pitch Crappy Pass Him By, Reds Lose 5-2

Kirk Saarloos knows that when an opportunity knocks, you've got to answer the door. Jealous of the recent spotlight cast upon Coffey, Weathers and Cormier, for their inability to get key late inning outs, Saarloos forced Reds fans to acknowledge his shortcomings. And wow, four batters faced, two hits allowed, two walks, that's some bad relief. If that doesn't get you mentioned in the first paragraph of tomorrow's write up, the author doesn't know what will. "Saarloos' Salad Goes Bad." The team continues to punch Arroyo in the gut, just three hits before the big Cardinals 8th relieved the pressure. Can't ask for much more from a starter. How about some runs tomorrow maybe, or at least some runners on base? No one is happy with a Cardinals win.

Getting To Know: Diverticulitis

When it was publicly announced the Ken Griffey was suffering from diverticulitis, the author was scared. How do you get it? Is it contagious? Can I get it from a complicated handshake celebrating a homerun? Nobody seemed to have the answers.

Turns out, there's nothing to be worried about. It's just an infection of tiny pouches in your disgestive tract. What a relief. With a few simple changes, such as switching to a low fiber diet, the disease is very treatable and as the Mayo Clinic website says "having bulging pouches (diverticulosis) in your digestive tract isn't necessarily a concern." If the condition calls for home treatment, you'll need to remove all whole grains, fruits and vegetables from your diet and implement antibiotics to kill the bacteria which causes the bowel infection. Should the disorder persist, you may be a candidate for primary bowel resection surgery. It's a simple procedure where your surgeon removes the diseased part of your intestine and then reconnects the healthy segments of your colon. This allows you to have normal bowel movements. Normal bowel movements!

See fans, there's nothing to be afraid of. People with diverticulitis are just like you or me. Infection of the tiny postules in your bowel is just a relatively common symptom of aging, chances are someone in your family has the disorder. But do the author a favor, next time you see Junior, don't offer him any nuts [as they get lodged in the intestine causing a painful infection] and remind him to watch out for offspeed stuff away.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Reds Bludgeon Cardinals With Bats, 10-3

It had been a popular question around circles of Reds supporters, when is Alex Gonzalez's bat going to come alive? Well, that was answered tonight, where everyone seemed to be seeing the ball for the first time all season. Dunn was the only starter to go hitless. Gonzalez went deep twice and drove in five. The author doesn't think it's too much to expect this kind of production from the shortstop every game for the rest of the season. Griffey, powered by diverticulitis, went deep for the first time this season. Our friends at Getty Images were able to capture the image to the right, which I borrowed. Nice work Dilip Vishwanat. And get this...David Ross had two hits. Look at that average! .140 and rising. That was truly a savage beating for which they've been saving up the last week. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds v. Cardinals

That picture to the right is the Reds Rocket unveiling a freshly prepared St. Louis cardinal. You can tell by the batting helmet. Viola! If you've never had it, you got to get you some of that bird. After a, we'll say subtastic, homestand, the Reds embark on a nine day tour of St. Louis, Pittsburgh, and Houston. Adam Dunn can't wait to get back to Texas where he can finally shoot his pistols up in the air, like a man. Today they go up against a starting pitcher by the name of Kip. That's a tough opening draw. As the author has done in the past, the Cardinal roster has been plugged into Redsbot 5000 generating today's starting lineup. Kick those Cardinals in the ass.

1. David Eckstein SS - from Wikipedia: "David Eckstein is not Jewish"

2. Chris Duncan LF - his entrance music is Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes

3. Albert Pujols 1B - recently got a small role in a broadway musical, it's not much, but it's a start

4. Scott Rolen 3B - has lost track of the times Grey's Anatomy has made him weep

5. Jim Edmonds CF - apparently still plays baseball

6. Scott Spezio RF - when they were all Angels, made acting debut in episode of "She Spies" along with Kennedy and Eckstein. Played the role of "douchebag #1."

7. Adam Kennedy 2B - author is confident that Cardinal fans will still think the 3 year $10 million contract was a good idea by the All Star Break

8. Yadier Molina C - wears cutoff jean shorts under his uniform

9. Kip Wells P - training to be a cage fighter [also lost 18 games with the Pirates in 2005, don't tell the Cardinals upper management]

Monday, April 23, 2007

Here's Some New Cardinals to Hate

Tomorrow the Reds head to St. Louis for their first of several series against the Cardinals. The Cardinals have never been a favorite of the author's (with the exception of the seasons in which Reggie Sanders was a mercenary). St. Louis annually competes with the Cubs for the author's unlikeability award. It's like choosing between Jared from Subway or that moron from the Apple commercials. That PC is just so much less cool by comparison.

Last season, the Reds finished with a 9-6 season record against the eventual world champions, which by proxy, makes the Reds last year's best team. Through eighteen games this year, St. Louis (8-10) trails the Reds (9-10) by 1 game in the win column. Following the outstanding offense from this most recent homestand, St. Louis (.238) was able to displace the Reds (.228) for second lowest cumulative team batting average but they have fewer home runs and runs scored (in 1 fewer game). But, as we all know, the Cincinnati offense is saving up for something. The author predicts a three game explosion in St. Louis. Join the author in welcoming the newest Cardinals, give them a punch in the groin next time you're in St. Louis.

Randy Keisler - awarded Most Handsome Man in America. Stats from 2005 season with Cincinnati are 2-1 in 24 games with a 6.27 ERA. Maybe he's not that bad of guy afterall.

Adam Kennedy - is St. Louis' answer to Cubs' acquisition of Mark DeRosa. Author always says you can't have too many overpaid, weak-hitting middle infielders.

Kip Wells - Reds will see him tomorrow, did the author mention his name is Kip?

Russ Springer - while his hatred for Barry Bonds is certainly admirable, author is pretty sure he's an asshole.

Ryan Franklin - author loves this acquisition. One of the few players on steroids whose natural inability was able to combat against any potential benefit of the juice.

Things To Do in St. Louis When You're Dead (or clean)

As the author did with Cincinnati's first road trip to Arizona, it's time again to remind our favorite recovering addict no more beating your brains with liquor and drugs (with liquor and drugs). Sure cocaine makes you look cool and of course, feel great, but that's not your life anymore. You're a full time baseball player. And while your effortless transformation from drug user to major league baseball player may make you think you have time for a little "relaxation", don't let those thoughts corrupt you. We Reds fans, and to a lesser extent, your wife and family, implore you, just be a regular, boring person like the rest of us. Go back to the hotel, maybe sit in the hot tub with Narron and Dick Pole, and get back to your room nice and early. With a little time and pre-planning, the author is confident that you will find St. Louis to be an enjoyable and educational city.

To help kill that empty feeling in your bones, the author has compiled a list of fun and interesting things to do on your trip to St. Louis.

1. No trip to St. Louis is complete without a trip to the top of the famous Gateway Arch. From the vantage point 630 feet above the Mississippi River, you can see Scott Spezio's house. It's small and uninteresting.

2. Since the author knows you are a fan of classic cinema, perhaps a visit to the hospital where the actual events which formed the basis for the film the Exorcist would interest you. As opposed to the movie, the demonic possession actually involved a little boy, but his bed shook and he yelled profanities at the priest who was performing the exorcism. On the tour, actors will walk around upside down like a crab or, for some additional cost, projectile vomit into your face. Sounds scary.
3. Maybe a day at the zoo would be just what the doctor ordered. The admission is free, and with only $75 per diem, that's important. The website recommends a walking tour where "you can watch hippos floating under water, warthogs working on a wallow, and elephants playing beneath a waterfall or diving into a pool." I've heard that wallow exhibit is fascinating.

Okay, hopefully that will provide entertainment for your three days versus the crappy Cardinals. Take lots of pictures and remember, be smart out there.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Reds Drop Another To Phills 9-3

Looks like these boys need a refresher course on not losing at home to mediocre teams. Though it is nice to see Griffey's lupus is in remission.

Cole Hamels, You My Friend Are a Jerk 4-1

How soon Cole Hamels forgets May 12, 2006. That date marked his first major league start against these very same Reds. And you know what? They cut him some slack. They knew it was his first time out there in front of a major league crowd and they gave him five scoreless innings. And what do the Reds get in return for their consideration, the heartless demonstration from last night. With Milton on the mound and Griffey and Valentin unavailable, Hamels used the Reds depleted lineup to carry out his own selfish motives. On a night where Eric Milton was mystifyingly effective [that's two in a row], the offense was pretty quiet again. No thanks to our pal Cole. At least we all know that Phildelphia fans won't remember this start next time out as they're booing him for allowing three unearned runs in the first. And that will be sweet. Anyway, how about some offense today? And no more triple plays, those really crush the soul.

Or else, look for Krivsky to jumpstart the offense with a package deal of Dunn and Griffey for some middle relievers and solid defenders. That's the only way they're going to stay in this race.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Get Well Junior

As Griffey sits out a third consective game with the flu, the Reds Rocket wants to take some time to wish him a hasty and full recovery. Not only because the offense has been anemic, but because without proper care such illnesses can easily turn into something much more serious, like pneumonia or a sprained quadricep or dislocated patella. Perhaps the author could recommend some minor blood work, just to make sure everything's ship-shape. There's actually a place that's not too far from the stadium. Don't worry, the phlebotomists [the nurse that jabs the needle in your arm] are very nice. Just tell them you know Tim Timmons, or better yet, tell them you're best friends with Tim Timmons. They'll treat you real nice. The author has actually lined up some additional community outreach for you when you get back healthy.

Hey Reds fans, I'm Ken Griffey Jr. here to remind you to take a strong armed approached to your health--beat the flu with plenty of fluids and bedrest! And Gooooo Reds!

Hatteberg Tires of Losses, Reds Win in Extras 2-1

Granted this isn't the same Tom Gordon that the author once met (along with superstars Kevin Seitzer and Jeff Montgomery) in a Kansas City Walmart, but that was still a pretty big hit by H-Bomb last night. Taking a break from hitting singles for one evening, his home run with two outs in the bottom of the 9th forced extra innings, with the Reds winning in the bottom of the 10th on a bases loaded single by Phillips. Maybe he really did attend Washington State.

The offense was too cool to do much again, managing only a Gonzalez double before the 9th. Griffey missed his second straight game with a mystery illness. But the bullpen was back to being less terrible. Big Frucking Nasty pitched a scoreless inning and Cooter got his first major league victory. Everyone remembers their first time. And the author is not going to forget Kyle Lohse who gave up a single unearned run over seven. Outstanding work by Kyle and his little goatee. If you're not careful we're going to expect this every time out. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Red Hot Phillies Make Trip to Great American Ballpark

Today the Reds start a three game set versus the Phillies. Unfortunately, they're going to have to open up against Jon Leiber. This will mark Leiber's first start of the season, he'd been been relegated to bullpen duty before Brett Myers' opened up a spot in the rotation. I like what Charlie Manuel has done here, publicly beat you wife, you're out there every fifth day but three bad starts to begin the season, we have no patience for that in Philadelphia. That's a manager who wants to win. Here's Redsbot 5000's predictions as to your Philadelphia starters for this evening:

1. Jimmy Rollins SS - has an offseason job repairing small household appliances

2. Shane Victorino RF - originally proposed the idea that the Phillie Phanatic drive around the field on a maintenance truck and shoot an extendable hotdog from his crotch

3. Chase Utley 2B - first name is a verb

4. Pat Burrell LF - hates Philadephia fans as much as they hate him, which turns out to be very little

5. Greg Dobbs 1B - led Major Leagues with 56 home runs and 149 Rbis last season. Zing!

6. Wes Helms 3B - Hobbies: Computers and landscaping

7. Aaron Rowand CF - defensive liability, but makes up for it with his offensive capabilities

8. Carlos Ruiz C - ham radio enthuist

9. Jon Leiber P - offseason trade fell through when Washington requested additional players in exchange for Christian Guzman

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Always One Step Ahead of Houston, Narron Allows Reds to Lose Late Again 8-6

The author can't claim to understand all of the intracacies of Jerry Narron's incredibly gifted mind, but tonight was one of those rare examples of clarity. Up 6-2, once again utilizing the power of Brandon Phillips (2 run shot in the first) and Josh Hamilton (3 run bomb in the 5th), Arroyo turned his gem over to the bullpen. No Big Frucking Nasty tonight, he's established that he'd much rather hit people with the ball than get anyone out. Who wouldn't, especially Orlando Palmeiro. That guy gets under my skin. So we start with Saarloos, who pretends to have no idea where the strikezone is. Everything is going according to the plan. He takes a seat and here comes Stanton, who's been lights out. He turns Berkman around but still gives up a run scoring single to left. While Stanton's laughing it up in the clubhouse, his replacement Weathers, induces a ground ball from Carlos Lee but Gonzalez wants nothing to do with it. Genius. Luke Scott then clears the bases and scores on Ensberg's sac fly after advancing to third on an error attributed to Phillips. Okay, mission accomplished. Reds bullpen has its second major meltdown in as many nights, or so it would seem. As alluded to earlier, Narron and his superior brain have run the numbers. The less effective the bullpen is early, the more motivation there is for the starters to pitch well every time out. Pulled in the 8th with an 8-1 lead, give me a break. One run allowed and you think you deserve a win? Not in Cincinnati. While some "experts" may say that this sort of pressure is not a good thing, forcing the starters to try and be perfect every start, Narron doesn't buy it. As soon as "worse bullpen in the league" hits the papers, Narron's won. Not only does he have his starters' attention but that of all the opposing teams throughout the league. Because that's what we want in August and September, just that instant when Luke Scott thinks, 'these guys are brutal, Luke Scott owns them' when he should be thinking 'sinker low and in.' Because by then Weathers' pitch is past him and the eighth inning is finally over.

That has to be it, because losses this discouraging don't usually start until closer to the end of summer. Narron, I'm on to you.

Getting To Know Woody Williams

Today's starter for the Astros is Gregory Scott "Woody" Williams. This bastard [everyone in Texas is either a bastard or a son of a bitch] has an 8-5 lifetime record with a 5.34 ERA against the Reds.

Woody hails from Hanover, Indiana, where he was voted the smartest student in school. He and his childhood sweetheart, Beth Curtis, were also voted "Couple Most Likely to Explode," as they were both obese at the time. In 1985 he moved to Boston to meet up with his penpal, Nicholas Colasanto. Upon arrival, he was devistated to learn Colasanto's death. The grieving, however, was short lived as by the end of the day Woody had assumed Mr. Colasanto's position as bartender at the tavern Cheers. For eight years, he entertained the bar patrons with his naivity and small town sensabilities. Over the course of his employment, he became acting spokesperson for Veggie Boy vegetable beverage, but was terminated after the product was discontinued [Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Kale...has America gone mad], was elected to Boston City Council, and became first aquaited with Kelly Gaines. His relationship to Ms. Gaines seemed unlikely to last due to demographic differences as well as pressure from the persistent Frenchman, Henri, and his fervent pursuit of Ms. Gaines. But the two persevered, were wed and last we heard, Kelly was expecting the couples' first child.

This is really a very nice story, but not something that will help him defeat the Reds. Too bad you weren't from French Lick, Woody, that's where winners are bred.

Welcome Norris Hopper

The author realizes that the official welcome is a day late, but did you see the size of the posts yesterday? The author figured you'd heard plenty from this site. The sadness of saying goodbye to third catcher Chad Moeller was almost immediately forgotten when Hopper arrived in Cincinnati, fresh from a minor league rehab assignment. Last season he got a September call and then went on to hit .359 over his 39 at bats, including nine starts. Pretty impressive Norris. The author also noticed that he is the proud owner of 1 home run from last season and that came with the big club [but he did only get 460 at bats in Chattanooga, Louisville, and Cincinnati]. The most difficult part of this call up, in addition him finding any time in a crowded and so far, productive outfield, is coming up with a serviceable nickname. Norris Hopper is already a pretty cool name. It could easily be attached to any number of late '70s to mid '80s tv characters. He could be out there, solving crimes or saving lives -- his own way, he doesn't need his hardass boss telling him what to do. He's his own man, just trying to get by in these crazy times we find ourselves in. But while that idea for a television show is certainly very, very good, all nicknames possibilities are not. For now, it's Norper but that's subject to change. Anyway Norper, welcome back to Cincinnati and try to enjoy yourself.

And so long Chad Moeller. You brandished a pretty good butterfly knife.
*Update: Moeller cleared waivers and accepted an assignment to Louisville, so maybe we'll see him again. This is positive news.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Coffey Decides He's Tired of Pitching Every Day, Reds Lose 7-2

For some reason the author was not allowed to add photos of Big Frucking Nasty for this particular post, which is too bad, because there were some really nice ones. Second meltdown in three nights, that's probably not exactly what you want from your right handed set up man. Cormier didn't make any friends either by allowing that bomb. Expect a double ax handle or spinning suplex from Harang in the clubhouse. Griffey atoned for the run he gave up in the field the other night by taking one away. The author was impressed with the manliness of the guy cowering from the ball while Griffey was reaching over the wall. As we have grown fairly accustomed, little offense again tonight. Phillips and Hambone went yard, but that was more or less the extent of it. At least Woody Williams is on the hill tomorrow, he'll cure what ails ye'.

Aaron Harang Ready to Crush Some Skulls

Aaron Harang has been displeased with his recent outings but he's not going to blame teammates or make excuses for himself. It may sound like a cliche, which has been used by every person who has ever written anything about sports, but no one is harder on Aaron Harang than Aaron Harang. Two starts ago, he got the win against the Pirates but surrendered four runs on eight hits over 5.2 innings. You're not going to hear that six hours before the first pitch was set to be thrown, he lifted a Ford Focus over his head and threw it in the Ohio River, just because some young baseball fans asked if he could. Those kids are never going to forget the superhuman strength of Aaron Harang.

Last time out, he only lasted four innings and gave up a season high five earned runs, but was bailed out when the offense scored six runs in the sixth against the fabulously terrible Chicago Cubs. He's not going to tell you that he was bothered by the flu he developed after stalking and killing one of the live monkeys he had introduced to the land behind his house to help him stay in better shape during the season. It's just one of the little things he does to make himself a better baseball player. Next time he promises to wear a parka.

Tonight, he's not only planning on dominating the Astros [a team he was 4-0 with a 2.76 ERA in four starts against last season] but afterwards, because he cares so much about the community, he's wrestling an African rhinoceros on the outfield grass.

The winner will not be Aaron or the rhinoceros, but the City of Cincinnati. If Aaron wins the three round match, everyone in attendance will receive a coupon for a free 3-Way Chili, Skyline Chili's signature dish [steaming spaghetti, covered with our original, secret-recipe chili and topped with a mound of shredded cheddar cheese], which if you haven't had it, is out of this world. If the rhinoceros wins [not bloody likely], all in attendance will walk out of the GAB with a punch card good for 8 of Skyline Chili's Cheese Coneys. And did we mention, Aaron's paying. Now get youself to the game, root for Aaron Harang, and bring home some of the official chili or chili covered products of the Cincinnati Reds*!

*The audience may not actually receive complimentary chili product(s) because promotion is not entirely, or in any way, truthful. Sorry, the author knows that chili's crazy good.