Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Redsbot 5000

In the year 2007, the author of this online publication took the Reds Rocket, technology of his own creation, to the outer regions of our universe. While the specifics of the Red Rocket propulsion system are likely outside the interest of the intended audience of this publication, the author will acknowledge that the fuel by which space travel has been made possible is composed solely of the concentrated thought of Jerry Narron. During the season, Narron, the revered field manager of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team, is able to produce large quantities of “brain distillate” in his garage while preparing for upcoming competition. The fuel, which drains from tubes in Narron’s ears into empty pickle jars, appears to be the natural byproduct of such unprecedented levels of cerebral activity.

It was through my correspondence with Narron that I became aware of his discovery and began my own investigation into how to best utilize this scientific breakthrough. Space exploration was the most obvious application. Finally, in January of this year, the project was completed and the Reds Rocket was deemed spaceworthy. The launch was successful and the early phase of the journey was without incident. The serenity of quiet space, however, would not be long lasting. As if snagged by some invisible angler, the ship spiraled out of control towards an unnamed and unnoticed planetary body, with even the manual controls rendered useless. Following several agonizing minutes, the rocket hit and skidded lightly upon the surface, finally coming to rest upon the largely uniform landscape. Upon exiting the craft, the author was immediately confronted by a metallic being, who spoke exquisite English, proclaiming itself to be Redsbot 5000. The creature had been alerted to my presence when thoughts of Narron, too complex to recreate here, were emitted from the Reds Rocket in the form of exhaust. When the spent thoughts, many of which involved the Cincinnati Reds baseball, shattered the silence of space the advanced processors of Redsbot 5000 were able to decode and absorb the information. Baseball was determined to be of the greatest interest to the machine.

These thoughts of Narron, when combined with the complex algorithms found within Redsbot 5000’s software, contain the answers to any question which has or will ever be asked by a human being. But as was the case with the machine, the author is only interested in those answers which relate to Cincinnati Reds baseball. Fortunately, Redsbot 5000 has agreed to be a semi-regular contributor to this site. All questions posed will be answered with 100% certainty.

From Shamus of Bergholz, OH:
Q: Redsbot, I was very impressed with the Reds victory over the Cubs yesterday, how many wins will the Reds have this year?

A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................154

Redsbot 5000 has spoken, the Reds will go 154-8 this season. Thanks for your question Shamus, remember all those who get their questions read on this site receive a $25 gift certificate to TGI Friday's, where you can rock it every night of the week, and a chokehold from Aaron Harang.

From T. John of Spokane, WA:
Q: Is that a picture of the robot from Logan's Run?

A: A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................no

Redsbot 5000 has spoken, that is not a picture of the robot from that particular motion picture. Though it may look similar, or even identical, to Box, the ice robot (played by Roscoe Lee Browne) that Logan and Jessica encounter as they attempt to reach Sanctuary, it is not. Enjoy the Zen Chicken and the extra large basket of tater skins, T. John.
*Update: that is the robot from Logan's Run

No comments: