Getting To Know Woody Williams

Today's starter for the Astros is Gregory Scott "Woody" Williams. This bastard [everyone in Texas is either a bastard or a son of a bitch] has an 8-5 lifetime record with a 5.34 ERA against the Reds.

Woody hails from Hanover, Indiana, where he was voted the smartest student in school. He and his childhood sweetheart, Beth Curtis, were also voted "Couple Most Likely to Explode," as they were both obese at the time. In 1985 he moved to Boston to meet up with his penpal, Nicholas Colasanto. Upon arrival, he was devistated to learn Colasanto's death. The grieving, however, was short lived as by the end of the day Woody had assumed Mr. Colasanto's position as bartender at the tavern Cheers. For eight years, he entertained the bar patrons with his naivity and small town sensabilities. Over the course of his employment, he became acting spokesperson for Veggie Boy vegetable beverage, but was terminated after the product was discontinued [Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Kale...has America gone mad], was elected to Boston City Council, and became first aquaited with Kelly Gaines. His relationship to Ms. Gaines seemed unlikely to last due to demographic differences as well as pressure from the persistent Frenchman, Henri, and his fervent pursuit of Ms. Gaines. But the two persevered, were wed and last we heard, Kelly was expecting the couples' first child.

This is really a very nice story, but not something that will help him defeat the Reds. Too bad you weren't from French Lick, Woody, that's where winners are bred.