Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Welcome A-Holes

The photo to the left is what it appears, a back issue of Wrestling USA with Mr. Red wrestling an astronaut [apparently in space, judging from the reflection in his facemask]. It looks like Mr. Red's got that spaceman right where he wants him. You wouldn't think the astronaut would need the headgear, since he's wearing a helmet, but the author played basketball in high school and the wrestling mats were always considered "off limits."

Today, after a disappointingly short series with the Brewers, the Astros drive their lunar rovers into town. After starting 0-4, the Astros have been better of late, winning five of their last six, including a recent two game sweep of the Fish. That success certainly stops in Cincinnati. Mr. Red takes no chances when dealing with astronauts, he'll check the oil or rub their face on the herpes infested mat, anything to give him an advantage. That guy is the last person you want to run into on a wrestling mat. He's completely devoid of conscience.

Anyway, as has become the tradition whenever the Reds play a new team, the author will now plug the Astros active roster into Redsbot 5000 and determine the starting lineup for this evening's game versus the far superior Cincinnati team.

1. Craig Biggio 2B - Astros career leader in cheesy sentiment invoked during on-air broadcasts

2. Chris Burke CF - knows how to prepare and cook squirrel

3. Lance Berkman 1B - loves a tall, cool glass of Minutemaid brand orange juice

4. Carlos Lee LF - Panamanian

5. Morgan Ensberg 3B - father knew that this world is rough, and to make it you need to be tough and he wouldn't be there to help him him along, so he named him Morgan before he said goodbye (because with a name like Morgan, he'd have to get tough or die)

6. Jason Lane RF - prefers the Ronnie James Dio incarnation of Black Sabbath

7. Adam Everett SS - from team site, "first job was bagging groceries at a Kroger food store." Looks something like this:

8. Brad Ausmus C - consistently bats behind Adam Everett in the Houston batting order, which can't feel good

9. Chris Sampson P - has this poster hanging above his locker

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