Sunday, October 14, 2007
Aaron Harang when hearing of the new hire said, "He has an established track record, a winning track record, he knows how to help teams win and to get them in a winning state of mind. I think he's definitely going to get a change of attitude and get the players to play for him." Now that's a guy looking for a contract extension. The author had been quite happy with the work of Mackanin but it appeared from the start that Reds brass was in search of a bigger name. Dusty probably qualifies as a big name but more for his extended record relative incompetence. If the author had to choose of the many Dustys available for the position, Mr. Baker may have made the top ten, which isn't bad considering the quality of the other available candidates. Of the top choices:
1. Dusty Rhodes, The American Dream, also known as The Son of a Plumber, was one of Dr. Tiffy's favorite wrestlers in the 80's. The 3 -time world champion, with his manager Sapphire, may have worn polka dots, but at least he knew a thing or two about situational pitching.
2. Dusty Springfield, the son of a preacher man, was in all actuality a former high price call girl who had given John Denver a wicked case of mouth sores. But I think rabbits and some blue-eyed soul would be a nice addition to any clubhouse.
3. Dusty Bottoms. The least heralded of the 3 Amigos, Dusty Bottoms raped the horses and trimmed the hedges of many small villages.
4. Dusty Hill, the bassist from ZZ top. He liked legs and knew how to use them. He's come a long way since the cat crucifixions prevalent at '70s concerts. There is simply no reason that kick ass bass and an ankle-length beard wouldn't help around the clubhouse. This may be the author's upset pick for the long run well-being of the Reds as a franchise.
My only hope is that he brings his same bat boy with him from San Francisco. I can't wait for Big Donkey to plow over that little fucker if and when he gets in the way, which he will and everyone will enjoy very much. The specifics for Baker are as follows: he managed the Giants for ten years before retiring following the 2002 World Series meltdown; after securing a release from the Giants, Baker was able to take the Cubs to the post season in his first season before guiding them to the NL's worst record of 66-96 in 2006. Not too bad. But, if given the choice, the author might just prefer to save the millions of dollars and fit his cat with a pair of batting gloves. That way there won't be any hurt feelings when someone gets fired after three pretty awful seasons. Dusty don't make me hate you, I'm trying to keep an open mind.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Reds finished the season with a big old 'w' but did allow the Cubs to clinch the division with the subpar performances the first two games. So, even though they'll have the worst record of all the playoff teams, the Cubs still get to be involved. But just ask the Mets how it feels to have hope raised, then crushed. Fortunately, the Reds were never really in contention, so my hope was never raised to the point it could be effectively dashed. The victory today was fueled by Joey Votto's monster day. A bomb and a double knocked in five. Bailey was not excellent, but wins are important to a young pitcher. Way to beat the Cubs JV team and finish the season on a high note.
The next few days will be filled with various recaps of the season before the author my offseason disguise, featured to the right, and heads underground. The moustache is real human hair. I know my personal analysis is what keeps the audience coming back. Who's ready for 2008?
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The author lacks the mental capabilities to research or quantify tonight's lineup, but offensively, it had to make a list somewhere. Either best or worst, you choose. Votto and Encarnacion are at least young players who will likely have productive major league careers. But, as well as Hopper and Keppinger [he was waived prior to the season by the Royals] have played in the second half, they're both journeymen and have about as much power as Betty White, post Golden Girls, combined. Then big time acquisition Cantu hit 5th, followed by Daggum Ross making a rare appearance out of the eight hole. I suppose he can strikeout just as effectively at six as he can at eight. "Daggum, I swear Skip I'm gonna to hit that ball over them mountains." Then Mackanin wrapped things up with Pervis Ellison, who simply has one of the worst bats I have ever witnessed, but evidently a little better than Pedro Lopez, as he was slotted in front of him in the order. At least Pedro didn't get hit in the face. Though there is still some room for improvement, as the team reactiviated Mark Belhorn. Get him in at third base and that's a lineup you can set your watch to. But boy would that have been sweet if Eddie's bomb held up and the Reds got the win. Maybe tomorrow against the Cubs, no better way to crush a team and a city's spirits than beating them with a line-up that screams get this season over already. Go get 'em boys.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
As second basemen go, Alfonso Soriano is the only other to accomplish the feat and just to be an asshole, he's done it three times [once more as an outfielder]. But don't let that diminish the impact of Phillips' accomplishment. Stealing bases is a real pain in the ass. It gets the uniform dirty and that just takes away from the appeal of his patented Kool-Aid brand smile. With the bomb tonight, he joins a list which includes such subtastic talents as: Dante Bichette, Preston Wilson, Jose Cruz Jr., and as Reds Rocket number one super guy Last Unitard pointed out, Ron Gant [just check out the size of my biceps]. There are even a couple of other Reds on the list, Barry Larkin and Eric Davis but neither of them did the codeine lean during their homerun trot, lessening their appeal.
In a season of such profound disappointment, it's nice to see that at least one member of the Reds is still trying, trying fill up the stat sheet to reach personal goals, but trying none the less. Brandon Phillips, you're all right. If Tom Shearn is going to pitch like he did tonight, he might as well not even get up out of the trunk of his Ford Tempo, where he lives. The console doubles as the restroom.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Tonight, Bailey started and wasn't all that impressive. He was given a lead but gave it back with help from Coutlangus and some pretty awful defense behind him. Votto made his debut as the three hitter and hit a bomb in his first at bat, but did little else to aid the team afterwards. He did commit an error in left, which I suppose kept Bailey's ERA down. Nice work Joey. Hopper got a couple of hits at the top of the order and drove in not one, but two runs on the season. That gives him a total of 14 for the season, which, coincidentally, is also the number of toes he has. That's what makes him such an effective leadoff hitter. Tom Shearn emerges from the den he's built under the mound to dominate the Astronauts tomorrow. Yeah!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Because we're running low on season, I decided it was time to reprise the Big Frucking Nasty spring training photo. He did throw a scoreless inning,which is cause for at least a minor celebration. Maybe a Busch Light and a half container of candy beans. Baseball games no longer contain "This is Our Country," or that iPod commercial with the woman singing, I think the song goes something like "my voice drives nails in your brain." The author can't be alone in thinking that when medicine has progressed to the point of saving John Mellencamp from a massive coronary, we've crossed the line to playing god. Also, that Norris Hopper, Jeff Keppinger, Jorge Cantu top of the order [especially when Coats substituted for Dunn] will go down as possibly the most fantastic top of the order in the history of major league baseball. As we Reds fans know, they are not only excellent ball players but fine men and excellent citizens. Finally, the author is really looking forward to crushing some Chicago soul next week. But that's still a while off.
For today, the lack of comment is in response to Harang's performance. Beat the goddamned Giants and pick up number 17. Pedro Feliz is, how you say, a piece of trash. Last day off tomorrow, enjoy it team. Maybe you can talk to Griffey about his reptured testical. I know that's what I would be doing. "Did it feel more like someone zotted you with a cattle prod or conked you with a ball peen hammer?"
Thursday, September 20, 2007
McBeth still isn't able outs without first giving up some runs but Hopper had a nice night at the plate, dribbling grounders through the infield. And let me tell you 'bout Jason Ellison, that guy is an out of this world talent. Keppinger drove in two and Jorge Cantu added a pinch RBI double. Quite a game, one I'm sure everyone is very interested. At least we get to see more of Buck Coats. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Today, he was in full on berserker mode. He stalked, then choked the young bears to death. Limiting the Cubs, who still suck regardless of the proximity to the top of the division, to two runs over seven. We won't discuss how/who drove in those two runs, just part of the game. Unskilled frenchmen have to pick up a hit every now and again. Regardless, Harang picks up his 16th which evens him with last year's total. He has at least two more to break that. Encarnacion went 3 for 4 with a homer and a couple driven in. This has been a very nice end to the season for Eddie. The author predicts he starts next season at Louisville. That kid's got a lot of growing up to do. Weathers was less terrible tonight but we remaining fans could have used those three outs last night. It's Mark "Free Out" DeRosa, make some pitches. Anyway, nice victory and Tom Shearn with the victory tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Today, the Reds are really trying to do the Brewers a solid and have decided to start Saarloos. According to reports, Saarloos is getting back to the sinker that got him to the major leagues. Hey, Tom Shearn can pitch every day. So, tune in, it's Saarloos time in Milwaukee.
Also, Eddie Guardado was supoib last night. A scoreless inning, striking out the side? Who is this guy? Looks like he won't have to go back to his demeaning day job, serving tacos with a bunch of teenagers. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
On the other hand, the clubhouse is bound to be much cooler now that Hamilton doesn't have to worry about playing baseball for the rest of the season. And seriously, who doesn't feel like buying some rock cocaine from a guy with a glass eye, wearing a poncho, and smoking it in the bathroom stall after playing baseball for close to three hours. Gives you some time to relax, get your head together. These guys could learn a thing or two from the comeback player of the year. Nice series Reds, let's turn the beating on the Brewers tomorrow in Milwaukee. Now there's a victory you can feel good about. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Arroyo went six, but if you believe his quotes, actually wanted to stay in the game and pitch some more. But Mackanin yanked him in favor of fan favorite Jorge Cantu, who struck out swinging. Stanton, though it's much too late to be trying to make any friends around these parts, got an out, which is positive, and then we got to see Majewski, Burton, and Weathers. You just don't stand a chance against a pen of that quality. Encarnacion had a nice night, with a bomb and three driven in. Phillips also went deep and stole a base, meaning, even though he still refuses to draw a walk, he looks to soon become one of baseball's offensive elite. 30/30 used to be reserved for guys like Eric Davis or Jose Canseco. Looks like Brandon Phillips will soon be the answer to that Aflac trivia question. Thom's guess will be Ron Oester or Chris Stynes, though the latter, if the author recalls correctly, played more third than second. Big win tonight team, finish the sweep tomorrow morning. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Following that excellent segue the author found an interesting article from a couple of days ago on Major League players.com. It's written by the Reds' own Eddie Guardado and appears to have been edited by 100 chimps working around the clock. It's titled, "Why Can't I Get Any Outs?" The article itself deals with Eddie's return from offseason elbow surgery as well as his opinions regarding orange wigs and bow ties. It's clearly something that would be very interesting to everybody. Here are some highlights:
- "This is my 14th season so it took me a long time to get hurt, I guess. While the surgery kept me out for almost a year, some guys say you can come back even stronger than before."
- "But the worst part was watching my team lose and not being able to do anything about it. I wanted to get back fast, not only for myself but to try and help the team. We were really struggling for most of the season. Between being out and watching the team lose, this has been the most frustrating season of my career."
- "When I finally got activated, the butterflies started coming. I ran out of saliva."
- "My first outing on Aug. 9, I came in during a one-run game and gave up a run that tied the game. But I was glad just to be contributing again."
- "How long will I keep playing? My wife always asks me that question. I don't know. We'll see how things go. I do know I'm playing for one reason: to get a ring. Winning the World Series is the one goal that I have and maybe it can happen in the next couple seasons. I really want to retire with a World Series ring on my finger."
So, there you guys go. There weren't any stats in the article, which I think paint a pretty accurate picture of Everyday Eddie's season thus far [12.91 ERA, 14 H, 11ER in 7.2 IP], but I'd still give it an A- for heartwarmingness. There just aren't enough athlete-written articles on the internet. Guardado may be the worst pitcher in the majors, but he's one hell of a solid guy. He's happy just to be back out there on the mound contributing/killing the Reds every chance he gets. He's a competitor, a competitor with a diseased salivary gland. And those guys who said you'll come back stronger after the surgery, you can tell them right now, they are absolutely right.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
It was the Joey Votto and Tom Shearn show which put an end to the five game skid, but really when isn't it the Tom Shearn show? Votto hit a bomb in his second big league at bat, then reached base the other three. Maybe Hatteberg would be interested in pitching out of the bullpen, since the organization has been pretty clear that Votto is going to get an extended look as the left-handed first baseman. You simply cannot reduce Jorge Cantu's time on the field. Hatteberg is appealing as a relief pitcher because he is anyone other than Eddie Guardado. Shearn picked up his second major league victory against the Mets' JV squad. No Reyes, Delgado, or the very dangerous Paul LoDuca today, but there were still some tough outs in the Met lineup. Mike DiFelice will hammer mistakes all day long. Phillips went yard to start the scoring and Eddie added three hits with two ribs. A nice way to send the Mets away, get the hell out of here ya' gagooches! Day off tomorrow while the players clean out their snack depositories. Look the miniature box score is back. Squint at that impressive Reds line. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
This is what the future looks like for many of you. Seven runs scored but the team still loses by four. Of course Olivia Perez gets the win, because his stuff is just dominating. And then Paul LoDuca, that's right the same number eight hitting catcher who has shown no power all season, hits two home runs and drives in seven. After the two this evening, his season total is up to seven, so maybe that's not so bad after all. The author figured those were his first two of the year, but after looking it up turns out that they were only his first hit since June 30th. And that's just two months ago, so there's really nothing to feel bad about. And the seven RBIs? Well, he did have a total of 10 for the months of July and August combined, so maybe the author should give him a little credit as a solid run producer. The offense wasn't half bad tonight. Phillips had a nice day at the plate, getting his average back up to .290, and Hopper got a couple of knocks. Though the performance of Jorge Cantu, for those of you currently staying tuned for the nightly "Cantu Watch" segment, was a bit of a disappointment. If you want to attain more than a cult status, which I personally think you are more than capable, you'll have to avoid the soul crushing double play balls.
Reds get John Maine tomorrow, who they beat up in New York. No reason to take it easy on him tomorrow. Tom Shearn is on the hill, so looks like those bullpen worries can be forgotten. He hit the trailer early, got some solid sack time for the big day tomorrow. For those of you wondering what a guy named Buck Coats looks like, the author was surprised he wasn't winking at the camera in his stock photo, here you go.
Monday, September 3, 2007
On the other, non-pretend murder hand, the offense wasn't overly impressive again today. And now to teach you a lesson, you're the lead in for every SportsCenter commercial. "Was Pedro Mart-astic or Mart-arded today against the Reds? Tune into Sports Center at the top of the hour." Mart-arded could easily be replaced by Mart-errible. Griffey did take the time to get a runner in from third with a sacrifice fly. I don't know if you noticed, but on the Reds' official site that is one of the two choices for video from today's game. The other is the game-ending double play that Phillips hit into. Hey, Jorge Cantu got his average back up to .267 with a big single in the 9th. That acquisition is looking better every day, don't forget to check out his blog. Krivsky you diabolical. Tomorrow, Belisle is on the mound but he gets to go up against Oliver Perez. I know, I've seen Olivia's numbers this year but we all know, deep down, he's a piece of garbage. And he will pitch like it tomorrow.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Today, Arroyo was pretty solid and at least got into the 7th, he didn't finish the inning but he's giving it his best shot. The Rick Ankiel Outfieldmotron continued to kill the Reds with a home run and what turned out to be the winning run knocked in on a sac fly. The Reds offense decided not to show up this series, even against Braden Looper. Though the author read somewhere that Looper dominates in day games for some reason. That doesn't make any sense unless he's a werewolf and gets nervous the closer the game gets to the full moon. Griffey had two opportunities with a runner at third and less than two outs and decided not to knock in either man. I guess it's up to him, I'm not going to the Hall of Fame.
Tomorrow, the Reds go back home to face the Mets and the exhumed corpse of Pedro Martinez. He's back as a zombie and may have a taste for human blood but more likely, is going to pitch like a dead body. No word on whether or not his geri curl made it back with him. My fingers are crossed. The Mets just swept the Braves, but seriously, who hasn't? Before that they lost four to the Phillies. Hey, we get to see our old pal Jeff Conine. I can't wait to talk about the good old days in Tacoma.
Timmons: Tacoma? Tell me Jeff, does it still smell like shit there?
Jeff Conine: Smells like shit? The city smells like an a giant outhouse.
Timmons: Boy, that brings me back.
The picture to the left seems appropriate, after Gosling's performance yesterday. Maybe the reason that he can't get anyone out is that he pitches like he catches, with his eyes closed. He believes that by simply listening for the ball, or the catcher's mitt when he's on the mound, he can reach a higher plain of perception than by relying upon the most obvious of senses. However, anyone on the team, eyes open or not, is a better option than Guardado. So, at least we got the night off from him. Anyway, Reds turn to the Arroyo rock show to salvage the series today. Hopefully he can last longer than the five and a third he's been turning in lately because every single member of that bullpen just can't wait to get in there and suck.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Tom Shearn wasn't awful, but not particularly impressive either, going only four and a third. Looks like he's going to have to go back to sleeping in the equipment shed. On a more positive note, that inside- the-parker by Encarnacion was pretty sweet, with Duncan ramming his face into the fence. And Griffey decided to forego his trademark walk to first base and legged out his first triple of the season. He's an exciting player. Phil Dumatrait back up to make the start today. He should shoot for "not god awful." I'm sure everyone would consider that a success.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Hey y’all. Your buddy Josh Hamilton here, writing to personally invite all of you to make the short trip to St. Louis and join us for our big weekend series with the Cardinals. With the inconsistent play of the leaders in the Central, no team, other than the Pirates, can be eliminated from pennant contention. That’s what makes this part of the baseball season so exciting. The Reds’ resurgence can be attributed to any number of factors: the change in management, some timely hitting, solid bullpen work. The Cardinals’ recent success, if you’ve been paying attention to the drivel oozing out of the baseball media, can be traced to a single source, Rick Ankiel. Apparently, failure on baseball’s biggest stage, three seasons lost to injuries, and then a dramatic comeback as a fourth outfielder endears you to the public. Oh, that just warms my heart. Suddenly, after four home runs everyone’s calling you the Natural and they’ve all forgotten about Josh Hamilton. That’s bush league man. Use some imagination.
Where I come from, North Carolina, we don’t forget about our new favorite player just because somebody who used to be a pitcher gets called up, and look, now he’s an outfielder. Give me a break. We all know Ankiel’s a cyborg who’s been programmed with the ability to grow a soul patch. All you do is lift up his hat, remove the “pitcher” cartridge and insert “outfielder.” It’s an elementary school science experiment. You guys are smarter than that. And it’s not like he came straight to the bigs after having never played any higher than A ball. Hey hoss, it's nothing to feel bad about, some guys just need that extra season at AAA, but you know who didn’t? That’s right, you're looking at him, 2007’s feel good story Josh Hamilton. It’s like no one’s been paying attention to what's been going on here in Cincinnati. Out of the sport for four years, put $3.5 million of my signing bonus up my nose, I’ve even got Narron’s brother babysitting me on the road. I may have found Jesus but I’ve still got the demons man, demons that look like a bag of rock. How about the time where I turned up all strung-out on my Grandma’s porch. You remember any of that shit? I guess it was only in USA Today, maybe you don’t read nationally syndicated publications. But hey, Ankiel used to be big-time until his brain broke. What a scoop.
If you want me out there on the mound throwing 95 over the catcher's head, that’s no problem, check the scouting report from high school. And that’s even after I tuned it down. Pitchers are dead weight, people show up to watch me swing the bat 110 mph. It’s documented. If you're willing to settle for the Full House of baseball comeback stories, you know with all the scripted laughs and contrived emotion, go ahead and cheer for Uncle Jesse Ankiel. I'll still be here, taking it one day at a time, just trying to bring a little hope to the community around me. Try and remember that. JH
Then in the fourth, the Reds had the bases loaded with two outs. Encarnacion singled to left and two runs crossed the plate, making it a 2-1 game. But the Pirates appealed to third and the umps ruled that Dunn who appeared to score from second failed to step on the bag at third. The umpires stood around for a while, then took both runs off the board. So, the Reds went from up a run to down a run and the hit and the two RBIs were taken away from Eddie. It's a good thing Dunn and Encarnacion are so tight [they've got a duet album coming out this fall, We Tight is the single]. But let me tell you what Donkey was thinking, if the Reds are going to contend, they need to work, to focus in the face of adversity. To dig deep, if you will. And that's what they did. After the bullpen returned to it's trademark shittiness, Griffey found some grass behind third and Gonzalez ran like he was being chased by wolves and scored from first. And then Phillips saved the game with a fantastic play in the bottom of the 9th. Game over and the Reds split the series. Even though it's just the Pirates, that is a pretty satisfying victory. All thanks to Adam Dunn. Tom Shearn's on the mound tomorrow, he's been sleeping under the team bus on a bed he made out of leaves so he should be ready for his start. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The offense piled on Ian Snell. Griffey started the party in the first with a three-run bomb. Alex Gonzalez, in a rare appearance in the two hole [heyo!], had three hits and smoked that sacrifice fly. B. Phill had 2 hits, again, and Valentin had 3. Nice work everyone. Give B-Lizzle the same support tomorrow. Though another shut out is a high probability. Put a sawbuck on it. Series split tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The Pirates are playing better, but are by no means a team that the Reds should be losing to. In game one Lizardman put in his application for a transfer to Louisville. Maybe he can borrow Shearn's car. A grand slam allowed to Freddy Sanchez is not the way to endear yourself to anyone, other than Freddy. The team fought back, aided by everyone's favorite new Red, Jorge Cantu's first home run. That guy is a lights out talent. But the presence of Jason Ellison in the lineup was enough to throw everything out of wack. Let's not see him the rest of the season.
In game 2, Hopper went 4 for 4 at the plate but was lifted in the 9th for a pinch hitter. That hitter was Griffey with the tying run on but he'd looked very similar to Dunn at the end of the first game. Those guys just aren't very interested in pinch-hitting. They're either in the game or they're not. Future Hall of Famers don't pinch hit, give Lenny Harris a call. The offense raised expectations early, with all those base hits. But grounded into 10 double plays and eventually cooled off. Arroyo made another early exit. Some fan yelled out that the Death Wish movies blow, so he had to meet them in the parking lot to beat some ass. No one talks that way about Charles Bronson. Then Majewski, who had really been pretty tolerable of late, gave up the lead, and Bray [with the unforgiveable combination of Sanchez and Adam DeLoage] gave Pittsburgh what ended up being the margin of victory. All around disappointing day for the remaining optimistic Reds fans. Hey, at least Dave Ross is back, 0 for 3 with only 1 strikeout? Good to have you back behind the plate. Let's go ahead and take the next to games.