Sure the Reds have lost four in a row [coasting towards a more favorable draft position, watch out Baltimore], Dunn and Griffey are out for the remainder of the year with Spongy Hoof Disease and a partially torn coin purse, respectively, and tonight's starting outfield consisted of Norris Hopper, Buck Coats, and Pervis Ellison. But something notable did happen between the nine innings of shitty baseball between the Reds and A-holes; with his homer in the first, B. Phillips became the second second baseman to steal 30 bases and hit 30 bombs in the same season. Considering that he was acquired last season from Cleveland for a ticket to see Dane Cook, some shiny beads, and smallpox inoculations for the Indians front office, that's one hell of a deal. Though Cook's dinosaur impression is spot on and hilarious.As second basemen go, Alfonso Soriano is the only other to accomplish the feat and just to be an asshole, he's done it three times [once more as an outfielder]. But don't let that diminish the impact of Phillips' accomplishment. Stealing bases is a real pain in the ass. It gets the uniform dirty and that just takes away from the appeal of his patented Kool-Aid brand smile. With the bomb tonight, he joins a list which includes such subtastic talents as: Dante Bichette, Preston Wilson, Jose Cruz Jr., and as Reds Rocket number one super guy Last Unitard pointed out, Ron Gant [just check out the size of my biceps]. There are even a couple of other Reds on the list, Barry Larkin and Eric Davis but neither of them did the codeine lean during their homerun trot, lessening their appeal.
In a season of such profound disappointment, it's nice to see that at least one member of the Reds is still trying, trying fill up the stat sheet to reach personal goals, but trying none the less. Brandon Phillips, you're all right. If Tom Shearn is going to pitch like he did tonight, he might as well not even get up out of the trunk of his Ford Tempo, where he lives. The console doubles as the restroom.
7 comments:
In honor of B-Phil's accomplishment, a round of Purple Drank for everyone!
I read once that Ron Gant bench pressed 450 lbs. Totally naturally. Without any help. With perfectly normal sized testicles.
i read that ron gant has one giant testicle and that's what gives him his lou ferrigno-like super strength
Holy crap, he's black!? I guess I should have taken a little more interest in my fantasy team. How insensitive of me.
Ford Tempos are fine cars.
Behold the power of the Blogdome! And you didn't even have to mention the Cardinals. Nice.
A little Tempo trivia for all you folks out there: the police cars in Robocop were Tempos.
The Last Unitard: No they weren't. They were Ford Tauruses. Google it and see.
Fuck! You're right. Stupid anonymous jerk.
I'd rather have an SUX 9000 anyway.
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