Aaron Harang Ready to Crush Some Skulls

Aaron Harang has been displeased with his recent outings but he's not going to blame teammates or make excuses for himself. It may sound like a cliche, which has been used by every person who has ever written anything about sports, but no one is harder on Aaron Harang than Aaron Harang. Two starts ago, he got the win against the Pirates but surrendered four runs on eight hits over 5.2 innings. You're not going to hear that six hours before the first pitch was set to be thrown, he lifted a Ford Focus over his head and threw it in the Ohio River, just because some young baseball fans asked if he could. Those kids are never going to forget the superhuman strength of Aaron Harang.

Last time out, he only lasted four innings and gave up a season high five earned runs, but was bailed out when the offense scored six runs in the sixth against the fabulously terrible Chicago Cubs. He's not going to tell you that he was bothered by the flu he developed after stalking and killing one of the live monkeys he had introduced to the land behind his house to help him stay in better shape during the season. It's just one of the little things he does to make himself a better baseball player. Next time he promises to wear a parka.

Tonight, he's not only planning on dominating the Astros [a team he was 4-0 with a 2.76 ERA in four starts against last season] but afterwards, because he cares so much about the community, he's wrestling an African rhinoceros on the outfield grass.

The winner will not be Aaron or the rhinoceros, but the City of Cincinnati. If Aaron wins the three round match, everyone in attendance will receive a coupon for a free 3-Way Chili, Skyline Chili's signature dish [steaming spaghetti, covered with our original, secret-recipe chili and topped with a mound of shredded cheddar cheese], which if you haven't had it, is out of this world. If the rhinoceros wins [not bloody likely], all in attendance will walk out of the GAB with a punch card good for 8 of Skyline Chili's Cheese Coneys. And did we mention, Aaron's paying. Now get youself to the game, root for Aaron Harang, and bring home some of the official chili or chili covered products of the Cincinnati Reds*!

*The audience may not actually receive complimentary chili product(s) because promotion is not entirely, or in any way, truthful. Sorry, the author knows that chili's crazy good.