Things To Do In Arizona When You're Dead (or clean)

Last night in a pinch hit appearance, Josh Hamilton officially reached base for the first time in his major league career. He drew a walk from Arizona closer Jose Valverde and was promptly erased when Hatteberg illustrated his displeasure with the first base platoon by hitting into a double play. But still, it's a big deal. Congratulations Josh! Anyway, I'm sure you get this all the time, but this road trip is basically to Mexico and, you know, don't forget to be smart out there. There may be some temptation to go out and celebrate, I mean "celebrate." We Reds fans, and to a lesser extent, your wife and family, implore you, just be a regular, boring person like the rest of us. Go back to the hotel, maybe sit in the hot tub with Narron and Dick Pole, and get back to your room nice and early.

To help kill that empty feeling in your bones, the author has compiled a list of fun and interesting things to do on your trip to Arizona, which won't involve the use of code words (unless you're talking on a CB radio-"Breaker breaker one nine, got some bears prowlin' Route 24. Looks like we got ourselves a big ol' truckin' convoy.")

1. Go enjoy the outdoors. The desert is a unique experience for those who have not had an opportunity to witness it. There's lots of sand and rocks and weird vegetation, most notably, the cactus. The author actually found a list of the "best" places to view cacti. One would have thought that all views of cacti would be more or less the same but I'm no cactologist. Anyway, I'll forward you the list so you won't waste your time looking at inferior cacti.

2. Tour historical landmarks. Because I know you're a fan of American history, or just history in general, perhaps the author could recommend a couple of popular tourist destinations. The first is the London Bridge in Lake Havasu. Apparently there is some controversy as to whether or not this bridge is actually from London but there is also something on site called the English Village. That sounds fun. Second, there's Tombstone and the OK Corral. It has a museum, life-sized replicas, and even live gunfights. Also, if you pay them enough, they let you shoot Val Kilmer in the leg.

3. Visit Scottsdale. The Chase Ballpark, and likely your hotel, is in Phoenix, but the author recommends making the short drive to Scottsdale. The citizens of Scottsdale are good, salt of the earth people. No pretension here. It's like a little L.A. Enjoy the relaxed atmosphere while you take advantage of the upscale dining and shopping. But don't forget to cover up those tattoos or if you decide to wear short sleeves, show up in an expensive rental car.

4. And even though the author believes it was a cocaine addiction, just in case:

Southwest Behavioral Health Servs Inc.

Methadone Maintenance

1424 South 7th Avenue

Phoenix, AZ 85007

Phone: (602) 258-3600

Okay, that should keep you busy for these next couple of days. Remember, be smart out there. And don't hang around with this guy