Things To Do in St. Louis When You're Dead (or clean)

As the author did with Cincinnati's first road trip to Arizona, it's time again to remind our favorite recovering addict no more beating your brains with liquor and drugs (with liquor and drugs). Sure cocaine makes you look cool and of course, feel great, but that's not your life anymore. You're a full time baseball player. And while your effortless transformation from drug user to major league baseball player may make you think you have time for a little "relaxation", don't let those thoughts corrupt you. We Reds fans, and to a lesser extent, your wife and family, implore you, just be a regular, boring person like the rest of us. Go back to the hotel, maybe sit in the hot tub with Narron and Dick Pole, and get back to your room nice and early. With a little time and pre-planning, the author is confident that you will find St. Louis to be an enjoyable and educational city.

To help kill that empty feeling in your bones, the author has compiled a list of fun and interesting things to do on your trip to St. Louis.

1. No trip to St. Louis is complete without a trip to the top of the famous Gateway Arch. From the vantage point 630 feet above the Mississippi River, you can see Scott Spezio's house. It's small and uninteresting.

2. Since the author knows you are a fan of classic cinema, perhaps a visit to the hospital where the actual events which formed the basis for the film the Exorcist would interest you. As opposed to the movie, the demonic possession actually involved a little boy, but his bed shook and he yelled profanities at the priest who was performing the exorcism. On the tour, actors will walk around upside down like a crab or, for some additional cost, projectile vomit into your face. Sounds scary.

3. Maybe a day at the zoo would be just what the doctor ordered. The admission is free, and with only $75 per diem, that's important. The website recommends a walking tour where "you can watch hippos floating under water, warthogs working on a wallow, and elephants playing beneath a waterfall or diving into a pool." I've heard that wallow exhibit is fascinating.

Okay, hopefully that will provide entertainment for your three days versus the crappy Cardinals. Take lots of pictures and remember, be smart out there.