Snakes!

Big day tomorrow, Reds open the season at home versus the defending National League West champs, the Arizona Diamondbacks. The Snakes return much of last year's team, which includes nearly all components of a very quality, strike that, reverse it, brutally inept, offense. Chris Young leads off but is allergic to getting on base. Upton is a big time talent, but is like 15, and Eric Byrnes? Come on, give me a break. I won't even address the infield.

For the third year in a row, Harang takes the ball in the opener. Wouldn't appear to be much debate in that choice. He's like a stepping razor, you know, dangerous (he's dangerous). Our pal Dusty announced that Hatteberg will get the start at first, which is fine and probably doesn't necessitate an announcement. Mr. Hat had a nice spring and Votto said he needed some time to get his head together. Though the lineup does suffer from contamination due to high Patterson levels. He's a recognized carcinogen. As was done last year, here is a preview of the predicted Snake lineup generated by Redsbot 5000:

1. Chris Young CF - this offseason, fooled around a fell in love

2. Orlando Hudson 2B - can't get enough of the McSkillet burrito with sausage

3. Eric Byrnes LF - thinks Brandon Webb is beautiful when he sleeps

4. Conor Jackson 1B - dreams about one day ending a post-season game with a strikeout

5. Chris Snyder C - is qualified as a first-class helmsman

6. Mark Reynolds 3B - invented a time machine but can only show it to you in the dark in the closet of his apartment

7. Stephen Drew SS - has a learning disability but it’s not going to stop him from taking the SAT's

8. Justin Upton RF - is a daughter of the American Revolution, he’s traced it back and has a certificate

9. Brandon Webb P - his beard is weird, his 'stache is trash