Yo Jay, Creep to the Mic Like a Phantom, Reds 8-7

One night after scoring the winning run when Larry decided that the ball was just hit too hard to 3rd for him to bother with fielding, Bruce won it tonight with a walk-off in the 10th. The author decided that since there will likely be plenty of Bruce photos as the season goes on, that I'd feature a photo of the true star, the Foggster. That pitch he's showing you in the photo is his patented Tardball. He learned that when he was working on his GRE. Sadly, after twice giving up leads and heading to the locker room behind with the offense having given him 5 runs, it looks like it may be the end of the road for the big guy. Someone call his mother to pick him up so he doesn't wander off. There's a clause in his contract that provides for a ride home following games so that he doesn't get eaten by wolves.

The last two nights, the offense has spoiled fans with some uncharacteristic late-inning heart. After Weathers continued his solid relief work by giving up a bomb to Francouer in the 7th, Dunn lead off the 9th by drawing a walk, his third of the night, and Freel entered to pinch run for him. In another, "Freel is there is carbon monoxide leak in the dugout? Wait, that's some solid hustle and a big time play" Farney guided his master past Bryan McCann and tied the game in the 9th. Then Bruce hit a rocket and celebrated his first career home run by being choked out by teammates at home plate. All of this followed Junior's number 599 in the first. Only one more until he can relax and focus on contracting a unusual debilitating disease, which he can spend on his yacht with his very aggressive children. But the three RBIs do leave room for optimism.

Some sad news to pass along, old friend Tom Shearnminator (along with Justin Lehr, who was having a nice season in AAA) were sold to the Orient. Hopefully, they provide Shearn with a car/house that he can park near the ballpark. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Phil Dumatrait is a Snake in the Grass, Pirates 7-2

Harang wasn't himself tonight, he looked like he didn't have his pre-game glass of human blood or he just pitched 4 innings of relief the other day. He only lasted 4 and was beaten by (gasp!) Phil Dumatrait. Last year in attractive red trimmed uniform, Dumatrait couldn't get out a double amputee with glass eyes and a learning disability. That's no exaggeration for those of you who missed the Make a Wish Game at the end of last season(the deaf-mute with MS doubled off the wall in left). But looks like he's straightened things out, good for you asshole.

The loss tonight drops Harango's record to 2-7, which is pretty ugly, with an ERA under 4.00. Fortunately, the Foggster has be re-inserted into the rotation to straighten things out.

The offense cooled off considerably, even without Griffey in the lineup. Maybe the rest of the guys rely upon that 0 for 3 with a walk more than they know. Bruce got his first opportunity to hit in the three hole and got his first opportunity to go hitless. Phillips went yard in the 9th and Encarnacion got another day off, this time in favor of Andy Phillips, whose debut was impressive. The Reds Rocket feels that, as always, the best way to break out of a slump is to be held out of the lineup often, based upon little or no reason. Dusty is nothing if not a great strategist. Eddie will just have to wait, it's Andy Phillips time.

Braves arrive tomorrow, pre-scalped. They know what's in store after their jokes and jokes and jokes in Atlanta. Spaghetti.

Pirates Offer Little Resistance, Reds 9-1

During the game today, I realized that I have made very little of Ragweed Ross' hot start. Look at that average, well over .205 and his strikeouts are down from every other at bat. He continued today, 2 for 3 with 4 daggum rib eyes. Good for him.

Hairston, Jr. picked up three hits and Bruce reached base three time in game number two. Two by way of the free variety. And Votto went 3 for 3 with a double. After the six run first inning outburst the offense took 'er easy for the remainder. Disappointingly, Andy Phillips didn't make an appearance, maybe tomorrow. Patterson isn't going to forget this. AAA is no place for a major league talent like Corey Patterson.

On the pitching side, Arroyo looked pretty sharp. He allowed just the three hits over six, then hit the showers early. Then Lincoln, Weathers, and Bray demonstrated that they can pitch effectively after the opposition's spirit has already been broken. Nice job guys. Maybe one of you could save that for the next close game.

Harang lucks out tomorrow, getting matched up against Dumatrait. He showed a remarkable ability to be hittable to everyone last year. Somehow he was able to talk his way into a starting gig in Pittsburgh and has mixed in some control problems this year. Six walks for a guy who didn't strike out that many all last season? He's a real snake in the grass. Sweep tomorrow, no question about it. The team just loves playing in front of the third worst attended stadium in the National League. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Jay Bruce Will Never Record An Out in his Major League Career, Reds 9-6

The offense looked pretty sharp from the fourth inning on. Cueto struggled but slimed out of trouble enough times to qualify for the victory. And Jeremy Affeldt was nice enough to give up three runs in the 9th so that Cordero could pick up a garbage save. That Affeldt's a hell of a nice guy.

But the big news of the night was Bruce at the plate. He drew two walks and went 3 for 3 when the Pirates allowed him to swing the bat. He did not look overmatched against a starter, Ian Snell, who isn't terrible i.e. Pat Maholm. He even stole a base so that Dusty would get off his back. Speed is the most important aspect of offensive baseball. Grande Burro, who hit a bomb to give the Reds the lead and even took a pitch on the outer half of the plate to left for an RBI, held a post game press conference to announce that Bruce's nickname will be the Little and/or Medium-Sized Donkey (if Little is chosen it could possibly be abbreviated to Lil'). That's a nickname you can set your watch to.

Tomorrow Arroyo and morale is high. We have to hope that Bruce cools off so that Patterson can get back in the lineup. That's the long term plan for a successful ballclub. Reds! Reds! Reds!

My Name Is Jay Bruce and I.....Like to Party

After nearly two months of goin' crackers in Louisville, Jay Bruce gets his chance in Cincinnati starting tomorrow. He's shown that there's nothing left for him to prove in the minor leagues and eagerly awaits the opportunity to be buried deep on Dusty's bench.

In his spring audition Bruce showed that, sadly, he's no Corey Patterson. But, though Patterson's $3 million salary is paid in apple cores and edible tree bark (with incentive clauses for bunts grounded back to the pitcher, first pitches popped up on the infield, and months with an OBP under .250), much to the surprise to everyone in the country, Corey's struggled to get things going. Through 44 games, he's hitting a robust .201/.242/.354 but has managed to keep the bases clog-free with 8 bags in 12 attempts. Those batting numbers are well below the impressive career .256/.295/.411 line we were all expecting coming into the season. Can't win them all.

At the conclusion of Spring Training, Bruce was shipped down to Louisville, mainly to show those fucking nerds what it takes to be a professional baseball player. A top prospect based upon excellent peripherals and pitch selection? That sounds like nerd bullshit to me. I'll bet my Dusty Baker autographed wristbands that the editorial staff at Baseball Prospectus couldn't have made the JV softball team as seniors in high school. They were too busy working on their topographical math charts and reading Shakespeare in the bathroom stall so they didn't have to take a shower with their sweatpants on or, god forbid, reveal their naked bodies in front of the other males. Dusty will be happy to show you where you can store your VORP. Your rectum, you can ball up your complex statistical evaluations and store them there for all he cares. He knows from experience how to transition a player from prospect to superstar. Just ask Corey Patterson and his .256/.295/.411.

The remaining question seems to be where Bruce hits in the order. We know that speed is of utmost importance at the top of a Dusty Baker batting order. Eight bags for the River Bats, is not bad but not great either, especially with that lofty average. If he's hitting leadoff, I want him running every opportunity he gets, regardless of the likelihood of success. Dusty's clubhouse preaches a reckless disregard for the risk involved. It puts pressure on the defense and is the way you win baseball games. So, get your head together, remember that MLB clubhouse managers are expecting more than the $.50 tip you left in Louisville, and ask around and find out which girls have been hanging around Freel's locker. You don't want what they're carrying. You can take that advice from their mouthsores or from the cake.

Reds Continue to Unpress, Padres 8-2

Harang was cruising along last night, behind a two run first inning bomb from Griffey, until Iguchi singled, Bako showcased his arm strength (Shit, Giles I can throw it from behind homeplate to the center field wall no problem), then Brian Giles rolled one up the middle. It fell apart after that. The offense took a ciesta and Harang was not himself.

Coming home brings back so many memories of a giant child trying to fit in amongst the pretty faces in San Diego. Everyone in San Diego appears to be very fit and image conscious. Harang was 6'6" 250 by the time he was in the 6th grade, so he always felt a little uncomfortable at the beach. "If one more person laughs at my swimming trunks I'm going to rip their arms off and throw them in the ocean for the sharks to eat. Then at least we'll both be unhappy. This is the largest bathing suit they sold at J.C. Penney." But he's grown up into a friendly and well-adjusted giant. So, you don't have to fear him anymore, people of San Diego. Except after a performance like last night. Don't lock eyes with him.

Welcome to San Diego, the Child Molester Sanctuary

The Reds roll into San Diego red hot, fresh off a fine performance in LA. And of course by fine, we mean pretty fine but sort of not fine. But the Padres just happen to be the worst team in baseball, so less than three here would be something of a disappointment. Or just a disappointment. Peavy has a sore arm, Young got hit in the face with a line drive and the offense is sub-Cincinnati. At least Bruce Bochy is enjoying himself in San Francisco. The Giants have got to be a lot of fun this year. At least no one expected anything from them coming into the season.

The best way to start off any series is with Harang and his 36" pythons taking the hill. He'll choke you out, then spit in your face and steal your gold fillings. The offense has had a problem supporting him but has made a conscious effort to show a little effort out there. Hopefully Hairston had plenty of water last night. We'd hate for him to miss any more games on account of being very thirsty. Here's Redsbot's predicted Priest lineup:

1. Jody Gerut CF – proud owner of a locker/outhouse

2. Tadahito Iguchi 2B – he’s the guy who ran off that you thought you saw having sex with your car’s tailpipe in that San Diego parking garage

3. Brian Giles RF – is hoping to become the first president to wear pearls and a pantsuit

4. Adrian Gonzalez 1B – when you say his name three times into a mirror, he appears behind you and asks if he can crash at your place for a while until his wife learns to be a little more open minded

5. Kevin Kouzmanoff 3B – known to teammates as the Chinese Alan Alda

6. Khalil Greene SS – he can bleed on command

7. Scott Hairston LF – fresh off a summer internship at Dairy Queen

8. Josh Bard C – family’s name was changed once his grandparents reached Ellis Island, they were known in the old country as Mr. and Mrs. Sackface

9. Randy Wolf P – will be happy to show you his collection of rare hard boiled eggs