This is a Joke Right? Rockies 9-7

The author is having a hard time putting his feelings regarding the beginning of this homestand into words. We'll say the opposite of pride, well maybe not that far, less pride. The offense put some runs on the board but the pitching, as they say, left a little to be desired. Harang threw 200 pitches through five plus prompting Narron to turn to the charlatans in the bullpen. The author has concluded that the Reds are in need of more relievers with a fish in their name. Take Brad Salmon, his early success in no doubt attributed to having the good fortune to be named after a sea fish. And as a rule, the more delicious the namesake, the more effective the pitcher. So, you do the math, Brad Salmon equals great reliever. But there are some positive signs, Hambone reminded everyone that he's a news-worthy human interest story. Look he has tattoos and can run pretty fast. Encarnacion dropped his first bomb of the year and Freel tripled his season RBI total. But Griffey's strike out in the 8th with runners on first and third with two runs already in, that my friends, was a killer. However, the author remains confident this early season adversity will build the character necessary in a championship team. Hear me? Championship!

Rockies? Win? 6-5

It can be assumed that no one is happy with a Rockies win, not even the Rockies. No one ever is. The bullpen held up their end of the bargain tonight before Wingus and Dingus made their appearance. Someone needs to tell Weathers that he doesn't have to allow every runner that he inherits to score. I know it doesn't seem right, you know, cleaning up the mess that someone else has made, but how about just once in a while. Stanton had already put in a solid inning and two thirds before giving up the double. Harang's on the mound today, and the offense seems to like him. So, no reason they don't put up 20.

Stanton! 7-5 Astros

It had been awhile since the bullpen had been given an opportunity to make an impact, but they seized that opportunity tonight. With the devistating Wandy Rodriguez finally out of the game, the Reds re-took the lead with a big 7th. And Big Frucking Nasty even got an out before taking a big frucking shower, but then Stanton carefully chose the weakest bat [maybe with the exception of Chris Burke, he's also pretty weak] in the Houston and allowed him to win the game. Luke Scott, off the bench no less? Come on Stanton, that is not the person who should be celebrating tonight. He should be feeling bad about being Luke Scott. Weathers gave up another run on a Biggio double. Nice to see you guys again. The author missed you.

On another note, the author would like to take a minute to praise Eric Milton for not being absolutely terrible this season. His 2007 starts [he didn't get the loss tonight but probably deserved it] look something like this:


While he loves breaking a team's spirit with lots of first inning runs, that's what he likes to do and would you take that away from him when it's all he's got? You're telling me, New York Mets I'm looking in your direction, that you're really confident throwing Oliver Perez out there every fifth day? Maybe you forget that he got run out of Pittsburgh. That's right, the Pirates. They didn't want him because he's a terrible pitcher and a rotten human being [the last part may not necessarily be true]. And you Dodgers, Mark Hendrickson and Brett Tomko? Sure Hendrickson's tall and throws left handed, but of all of the middle of the road, ex-NBA talent, the author would have more confidence suiting up Gheorghe Muresan. And you know you've got that prorated $9 million, just sell the rights to the Vin Scully story. It would bring tears to America's collective eyes.

Narron's already cut his pitch count down to about 50 a game [35 in the first inning], so he'll be plenty fresh for that late season stretch run. Not that the Reds are going to be out of the race they certainly will not, but it's been like a week since Krivsky's made a deal, he getting antsy. Milton's ripe for the picking. Just something to think about. Come on, I'll buy you some new deodorant. How about if Milton agrees to mow the field before the games?

Anyway, here's the boxscore. Griffey hit another bomb, stole a base for the first time in quite a while, and has his average is over .300, nice job Junior.

Roy Oswalt's in Violation of His Face, 3-1 A-holes

Oswalt [pronounced with a long 'O' sound] was pretty good this evening. Though Dunn appears to be heading in a positive direction again, his home run in the 5th was the first hit of the game, and turned out to be the only run. Oswalt simply out-thinks his opponents, mixing up real dang fast ball with the not so dang fast ball. I bet if he really set his mind to it, he could throw that ball all the way to Mexico. What are you going to do? Lohse's strategy to start the first three batters off with nothing but a newly developed straight and slow ball, backfired. But that's the only way you improve, through in game reps. It's coming along, he'll get them next time. Tough break team.

Redsbot 5000

In the year 2007, the author of this online publication took the Reds Rocket, technology of his own creation, to the outer regions of our universe. While the specifics of the Red Rocket propulsion system are likely outside the interest of the intended audience of this publication, the author will acknowledge that the fuel by which space travel has been made possible is composed solely of the concentrated thought of Jerry Narron. During the season, Narron, the revered field manager of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team, is able to produce large quantities of “brain distillate” in his garage while preparing for upcoming competition. The fuel, which drains from tubes in Narron’s ears into empty pickle jars, appears to be the natural byproduct of such unprecedented levels of cerebral activity.

It was through my correspondence with Narron that I became aware of his discovery and began my own investigation into how to best utilize this scientific breakthrough. Space exploration was the most obvious application. Finally, in January of this year, the project was completed and the Reds Rocket was deemed spaceworthy. The launch was successful and the early phase of the journey was without incident. The serenity of quiet space, however, would not be long lasting. As if snagged by some invisible angler, the ship spiraled out of control towards an unnamed and unnoticed planetary body, with even the manual controls rendered useless. Following several agonizing minutes, the rocket hit and skidded lightly upon the surface, finally coming to rest upon the largely uniform landscape. Upon exiting the craft, the author was immediately confronted by a metallic being, who spoke exquisite English, proclaiming itself to be Redsbot 5000. The creature had been alerted to my presence when thoughts of Narron, too complex to recreate here, were emitted from the Reds Rocket in the form of exhaust. When the spent thoughts, many of which involved the Cincinnati Reds baseball, shattered the silence of space the advanced processors of Redsbot 5000 were able to decode and absorb the information. Baseball was determined to be of the greatest interest to the machine.

These thoughts of Narron, when combined with the complex algorithms found within Redsbot 5000’s software, contain the answers to any question which has or will ever be asked by a human being. But as was the case with the machine, the author is only interested in those answers which relate to Cincinnati Reds baseball. Fortunately, Redsbot 5000 has agreed to be a semi-regular contributor to this site. All questions posed will be answered with 100% certainty.

From Rory C. of Tiffin, OH:

Q: Redsbot, I was disappointed to learn that Roy Oswalt is pitching today, rather than the ultra-hittable Wandy Rodriguez as this site reported yesterday? Why is that?

A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................Wandy has a prior obligation...colonoscopy.

From Jim Jay of Nashville, TN:

Q: I read that Narron is planning on missing Friday's game against the Rockies. Who will be in charge of unveiling his masterplan?

A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................Ronnie Milsap will be named honorary coach prior to that date.

There you have it, some questions you may or may not have been interested in, answered with 100 percent certainty. Wandy's got a date with Dr. Jellyfinger and country music legend Ronnie Milsap will be uniformed and roaming the Reds' dugout on Friday. Remember to contact the author of this site whenever, with whatever it is you might have on your mind. Assuming it's about the Reds.

Reds Hammer Spacemen, 11-2

The offense decided that, despite their general dislike of Bronson Arroyo, allowing him one victory isn't that big of deal. Hey, it would mean a lot to the guy. So, they piled it on the Astros. Griffey borrowed some working lungs from from a teammate and went 3 for 3 with a bomb. Dunn and Gonzalez also went deep. And Arroyo pitched a solid seven innings. Great evening tonight from those no good carpetbaggers. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Houston Pitching Probables

Today the Reds open up a three game set with the banjo playing, Houston Spacemen. The brief two game set the teams played in Cincinnati last month was marred by, how do you say, god awful, bullpen performances. So, hopefully that trip to Pittsburgh has gotten the team heading in the right direction. Griffey is supposed to play again tonight, which should be a good thing. And as the continuing perveyor of information that this site is, here are the Astros pitchers the Reds will be seeing this series.

1. Matt Albers - Today will only be his fifth big league start, so not much information out there. Had one start last year against the Reds, and took the loss after allowing five runs through 4 1/3. But more importantly, check out that great picture. That is his stock photo. It's like to photographer said, "Okay, tilt your head to the right and give me more smirk. Now give me your douchbag. Perfect!"


2. Wandy Rodriguez - the author will admit, this offseason all of us over at the Reds Rocket were afraid that Wandy wasn't going to be back with the Astros this year. And that would be a plain shame, because he loves giving up runs. But he's back, tossing up some fresh Dominican salad from the left side. I'm sure the Reds bats can't wait until tomorrow. On a lighter note, has a daughter named Wadelis.

3. The Reds didn't have to see him the first trip and the author was hoping that his turn in the rotation might not come up this time either because he's a real pain in the ass. Fifteen consecutive wins against the Reds before finally relenting last season, no one likes seeing him on the mound. Owns a bulldozer and, surprisingly to anyone who has heard him speak, is a fan of NASCAR.