Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Redsbot 5000

In the year 2007, the author of this online publication took the Reds Rocket, technology of his own creation, to the outer regions of our universe. While the specifics of the Red Rocket propulsion system are likely outside the interest of the intended audience of this publication, the author will acknowledge that the fuel by which space travel has been made possible is composed solely of the concentrated thought of Jerry Narron. During the season, Narron, the revered field manager of the Cincinnati Reds baseball team, is able to produce large quantities of “brain distillate” in his garage while preparing for upcoming competition. The fuel, which drains from tubes in Narron’s ears into empty pickle jars, appears to be the natural byproduct of such unprecedented levels of cerebral activity.

It was through my correspondence with Narron that I became aware of his discovery and began my own investigation into how to best utilize this scientific breakthrough. Space exploration was the most obvious application. Finally, in January of this year, the project was completed and the Reds Rocket was deemed spaceworthy. The launch was successful and the early phase of the journey was without incident. The serenity of quiet space, however, would not be long lasting. As if snagged by some invisible angler, the ship spiraled out of control towards an unnamed and unnoticed planetary body, with even the manual controls rendered useless. Following several agonizing minutes, the rocket hit and skidded lightly upon the surface, finally coming to rest upon the largely uniform landscape. Upon exiting the craft, the author was immediately confronted by a metallic being, who spoke exquisite English, proclaiming itself to be Redsbot 5000. The creature had been alerted to my presence when thoughts of Narron, too complex to recreate here, were emitted from the Reds Rocket in the form of exhaust. When the spent thoughts, many of which involved the Cincinnati Reds baseball, shattered the silence of space the advanced processors of Redsbot 5000 were able to decode and absorb the information. Baseball was determined to be of the greatest interest to the machine.

These thoughts of Narron, when combined with the complex algorithms found within Redsbot 5000’s software, contain the answers to any question which has or will ever be asked by a human being. But as was the case with the machine, the author is only interested in those answers which relate to Cincinnati Reds baseball. Fortunately, Redsbot 5000 has agreed to be a semi-regular contributor to this site. All questions posed will be answered with 100% certainty.

From Rory C. of Tiffin, OH:

Q: Redsbot, I was disappointed to learn that Roy Oswalt is pitching today, rather than the ultra-hittable Wandy Rodriguez as this site reported yesterday? Why is that?

A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................Wandy has a prior obligation...colonoscopy.

From Jim Jay of Nashville, TN:

Q: I read that Narron is planning on missing Friday's game against the Rockies. Who will be in charge of unveiling his masterplan?

A: beep................beep....beep........................processing data.........................Ronnie Milsap will be named honorary coach prior to that date.

There you have it, some questions you may or may not have been interested in, answered with 100 percent certainty. Wandy's got a date with Dr. Jellyfinger and country music legend Ronnie Milsap will be uniformed and roaming the Reds' dugout on Friday. Remember to contact the author of this site whenever, with whatever it is you might have on your mind. Assuming it's about the Reds.

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