Sunday, April 4, 2010

Hi Everybody

After a long off-season of productivity, where I taught the bear pictured to the right to, not only, wave but also leave Ethan Hawke alone when he's trapped in that woodpile (my apologies to those of you who did not watch White Fang today on the CW network where you learn lessons about bears and wolf/dogs. Contact me for a copy of the DVD) but also compiled a sum total of zero posts, despite promises to do otherwise, the Reds Rocket has finally arisen from its slumber and now its Skyline Time. That's what the Reds Rocket offers readers: broken promises and general disappointment. Nice to see you all again.

I think we'll start things off with a brief summary of the Roster that Papa Dusty going to be trotting out onto the field starting tomorrow. Sadly, it won't include Wilmy Taveras leading things off with a pop-up to second on the first pitch he sees. Jocketty had to throw in Adam Rosales' hustle just to get the A's to take Taveras in to their house (he's not house trained).

The Reds brought in some new faces for you entertainment, notably, Aaron Miles. Actually, to the disappointment to everyone who bought the Aaron Miles Reds jersey, he was politely asked to beat it because he is god-awful. Orlando Cabrera, however, despite a brutal spring, is on the team and will hopefully be less horrible during the regular season. His head just wasn't in it. And of course there's the big acquisition of Chapman. But I'll be wasting everyone's time talking about that. You all know he's Cuban. So, here are your current favorite players.

Bronson Arroyo - fun fact, last start of the spring, gave up 10 runs to the Indians. Word has it that he had trouble focusing because he didn't have access to water upon which to pilot his boat. The desert is a moral-killer
Homer Bailey - fun fact, last start of the spring, gave up 6 runs to the Indians. At least he is very coachable and the first guy, you, the average fan, will want to approach unexpectedly to compliment following a particularly good outing. Just go right up to him on the street. He'll be happy to meet you.
Francisco Cordero - Coco's contract may be slightly inflated, but he has taken over David Weather's role as the bloated face of Skyline Chili, which is worth well more than $12 million. Is that nutmeg?
Johnny Cueto - came into Spring Training with a new haircut, which kind of looks like a couple of big spiders are living under his hat. Cowboy Jeff Brantley claims that he has some trouble with his arm angle which may or may not be resolved by the regular season.
Aaron Harang - even with off-season training regimen, can still bench press two mules (at one time) and throw a football over those there mountains. Opens things up tomorrow versus Chris Carpenter.
Mike Leake - technically not on the roster until his first start on April 11 but sees no reason to waste his time in the minor leagues. It's really his decision, so I'll stay out of the argument.

Daniel Ray Herrera - still known by friends and teammates as "Hispanic Webster" with a fastball that tops out at about 84 but gets people out of a reliable basis. If those results continue, he can shrink and lose 7 mph off that fastball and he'll still be welcome around these parts
Mike Lincoln - on the roster. Nice job Mike
Nick Masset - the head nerds at Prospectus predict a reduction in his effectiveness this season. This won't be the first time this season I accuse them of being liars.
Logan Ondrusek - looks like 6'8" version of the guy that plays Jim on the Office with less smirking and considerably fewer urges to punch him in the neck. Also, I went to high school with a guy named Logan who couldn't say the long "l" sound, so it came out Yogan. "It's not Yogan, it's Yogan." Think about that
Micah Owings - can swing the bat, cares less about getting people out on the mound. He'll be the long man/spot starter. Though, the educated readership doesn't need me wasting their time with such generalities.
Arthur Rhodes - wears a lot of gold and does nothing but record outs.

Ryan Hanigan - loves hitting singles and playing solid defense. Will play the same role as last season; injury fill-in, catcher on the Sunday garbage line-up
Ramon Hernandez - re-signed for less money but still, arguably, more than he's worth - but I'm just repeating someone else's opinion. The Reds' Rocket thinks the Reds got one hell 'uva bargain.

Orlando Cabrera - used to have a sweet looking afro to go along with a gap power and plus defense. I know he doesn't have the afro but that sure would be sweet
Juan Francisco - had a nice spring showing lots of power and a big ass boiler. Looks like he can pack away the sausage biscuits and the Carl's Jr. thick burgers. I'll emphasize the power bat.
Paul Janish - same guy from last year, still no bat, unfortunately, seems like a pretty solid dude.
Aaron Miles - thankfully the Aaron Miles Traveling Salvation Show didn't sell out in Cincinnati
Brandon Phillips - robbed not receiving his second gold glove last season. Actually improved walk rate while retaining good power for the keystone. Rumor is there's a good chance he's moved this year due to expected raise next season. Home run trot is powered by grape-flavored cough syrup.
Scott Rolen - average with the Blue Jays last season was allegedly a fluke. GABP should give provide him a few more bombs evening everything out. Though, his consistently solid defense, compared with the variety offered by Eddie Encarnacion is likely to be found boring by the fans.
Joey Votto - friendliest guy in the league but he sure can rake. First base defense was a point of emphasis over the off-season. Should be one of the better all around players in the league who are from Canada.
Miguel Cairo - plays a variety of positions, used to play a variety of positions well. In person seems to have a very large head

Wladimir Balentien - DFA'd, now you can no longer say you have a friend named Wladimir.
Jay Bruce - the comparisons coming up were Larry Walker with potentially greater power. For the casual observer, like myself, mannerisms and body type now look nearly identical to Walker sans mullet. Numbers should began to head in that direction this season, had a nice spring swinging the bat, though drew just 2 walks.
Chris Dickerson - will split time at all three outfield positions. Good athlete. Questioned Dusty in the media - something about toothpicks and wrist bands. We'll have to see the impact during the season.
Jonny Gomes - resigned for a bargain, if you think having Gomes on your team at any price is a bargain. Which the Reds Rocket does. I like watching him play defense.
Drew Stubbs - had a nice time at the end of the season last year which won him the job in center, at least that's what I've heard. I have a morning conference call with Dusty tomorrow and we're going to talk about Hank Aaron. Apparently, they're best friends. George Foster was signing autographs nearly every game at the Reds games in Arizona, I now consider him my best friend.
Laynce Nix - got his old roster spot back despite the non-roster invitation. His time is likely reduced but he showed some nice power in the spring and looks like he can beat some ass. Maybe the Reds Rocket will challenge him to mix things up. I've been doing that P90X workout that you see on Sunday mornings. Changed my life. Now I feel confident to fight even much larger people over a variety of things, like waving bears for example.

So, there you have it. There is a chance I left someone out but I simply don't have the time for proofreading. Entirely too busy preparing my boxes for shipping for the items I sold on Ebay. As the blog "banner" says, I am an Arizona resident, so had the opportunity to watch the Reds play poorly many times this spring and play well on a few occasions. If I had to recount the highlight, it would be seeing Devin Mesoraco break his bat popping out to second yesterday. That was sweet.

Tell your parents I say hello.

1 comment:

chuck said...

broken promises and general disappiontments must be the reds on opening day
did miss your blog over the winter