Him?

The author is briefly coming out of seasonal retirement to comment upon the, we'll say questionable, managerial hiring by the Cincinnati Reds Baseball Squadron. With the official announcement upcoming, it appears the team has settled on, let me finish, Dusty Baker! Apparently the Reds failed to listen to any of his nationally broadcast commentary. At least Bob Brenly got picked up for the post season on TBS and we all know he's a fucking moron. Well, I hope he has a sense of humor.

Aaron Harang when hearing of the new hire said, "He has an established track record, a winning track record, he knows how to help teams win and to get them in a winning state of mind. I think he's definitely going to get a change of attitude and get the players to play for him." Now that's a guy looking for a contract extension. The author had been quite happy with the work of Mackanin but it appeared from the start that Reds brass was in search of a bigger name. Dusty probably qualifies as a big name but more for his extended record relative incompetence. If the author had to choose of the many Dustys available for the position, Mr. Baker may have made the top ten, which isn't bad considering the quality of the other available candidates. Of the top choices:

1. Dusty Rhodes, The American Dream, also known as The Son of a Plumber, was one of Dr. Tiffy's favorite wrestlers in the 80's. The 3 -time world champion, with his manager Sapphire, may have worn polka dots, but at least he knew a thing or two about situational pitching.

2. Dusty Springfield, the son of a preacher man, was in all actuality a former high price call girl who had given John Denver a wicked case of mouth sores. But I think rabbits and some blue-eyed soul would be a nice addition to any clubhouse.

3. Dusty Bottoms. The least heralded of the 3 Amigos, Dusty Bottoms raped the horses and trimmed the hedges of many small villages.

4. Dusty Hill, the bassist from ZZ top. He liked legs and knew how to use them. He's come a long way since the cat crucifixions prevalent at '70s concerts. There is simply no reason that kick ass bass and an ankle-length beard wouldn't help around the clubhouse. This may be the author's upset pick for the long run well-being of the Reds as a franchise.

My only hope is that he brings his same bat boy with him from San Francisco. I can't wait for Big Donkey to plow over that little fucker if and when he gets in the way, which he will and everyone will enjoy very much. The specifics for Baker are as follows: he managed the Giants for ten years before retiring following the 2002 World Series meltdown; after securing a release from the Giants, Baker was able to take the Cubs to the post season in his first season before guiding them to the NL's worst record of 66-96 in 2006. Not too bad. But, if given the choice, the author might just prefer to save the millions of dollars and fit his cat with a pair of batting gloves. That way there won't be any hurt feelings when someone gets fired after three pretty awful seasons. Dusty don't make me hate you, I'm trying to keep an open mind.

So, If You're Out Tonight, Don't Forget, If You're On Your Bike, Wear White

With the close of the regular season, it's time to use some of the pictures I've compiled throughout the season, which I've either forgotten about or not had the opportunity to use. The first of which is the Hulk who just hurt his hand changing a tire. He'll regret his actions later, as he's hitchhiking out of town but those jean shorts sure look sharp.

Reds finished the season with a big old 'w' but did allow the Cubs to clinch the division with the subpar performances the first two games. So, even though they'll have the worst record of all the playoff teams, the Cubs still get to be involved. But just ask the Mets how it feels to have hope raised, then crushed. Fortunately, the Reds were never really in contention, so my hope was never raised to the point it could be effectively dashed. The victory today was fueled by Joey Votto's monster day. A bomb and a double knocked in five. Bailey was not excellent, but wins are important to a young pitcher. Way to beat the Cubs JV team and finish the season on a high note.

The next few days will be filled with various recaps of the season before the author my offseason disguise, featured to the right, and heads underground. The moustache is real human hair. I know my personal analysis is what keeps the audience coming back. Who's ready for 2008?

Reds Support Belisle With Worst Lineup In Major League History, Surprisingly Lose Fifth Straight

I can just imagine the look on Belisle's face when he checked out the lineup card before taking the field today. So, he knew what he had to accomplish and was close to it, pitching perfect baseball for six innings. But he gave up a couple of runs in the seventh and then the bullpen followed with an uncharacteristic implosion and the Reds lost again. But Mr. Redlegs did wrestle an astronaut into submission prior to the game. Shove it up your ass Mr. Aldrin.

The author lacks the mental capabilities to research or quantify tonight's lineup, but offensively, it had to make a list somewhere. Either best or worst, you choose. Votto and Encarnacion are at least young players who will likely have productive major league careers. But, as well as Hopper and Keppinger [he was waived prior to the season by the Royals] have played in the second half, they're both journeymen and have about as much power as Betty White, post Golden Girls, combined. Then big time acquisition Cantu hit 5th, followed by Daggum Ross making a rare appearance out of the eight hole. I suppose he can strikeout just as effectively at six as he can at eight. "Daggum, I swear Skip I'm gonna to hit that ball over them mountains." Then Mackanin wrapped things up with Pervis Ellison, who simply has one of the worst bats I have ever witnessed, but evidently a little better than Pedro Lopez, as he was slotted in front of him in the order. At least Pedro didn't get hit in the face. Though there is still some room for improvement, as the team reactiviated Mark Belhorn. Get him in at third base and that's a lineup you can set your watch to. But boy would that have been sweet if Eddie's bomb held up and the Reds got the win. Maybe tomorrow against the Cubs, no better way to crush a team and a city's spirits than beating them with a line-up that screams get this season over already. Go get 'em boys.

Reds Have No Interest in Your Baseball But How About That Brandon Phillips? Astros 7-6

Sure the Reds have lost four in a row [coasting towards a more favorable draft position, watch out Baltimore], Dunn and Griffey are out for the remainder of the year with Spongy Hoof Disease and a partially torn coin purse, respectively, and tonight's starting outfield consisted of Norris Hopper, Buck Coats, and Pervis Ellison. But something notable did happen between the nine innings of shitty baseball between the Reds and A-holes; with his homer in the first, B. Phillips became the second second baseman to steal 30 bases and hit 30 bombs in the same season. Considering that he was acquired last season from Cleveland for a ticket to see Dane Cook, some shiny beads, and smallpox inoculations for the Indians front office, that's one hell of a deal. Though Cook's dinosaur impression is spot on and hilarious.

As second basemen go, Alfonso Soriano is the only other to accomplish the feat and just to be an asshole, he's done it three times [once more as an outfielder]. But don't let that diminish the impact of Phillips' accomplishment. Stealing bases is a real pain in the ass. It gets the uniform dirty and that just takes away from the appeal of his patented Kool-Aid brand smile. With the bomb tonight, he joins a list which includes such subtastic talents as: Dante Bichette, Preston Wilson, Jose Cruz Jr., and as Reds Rocket number one super guy Last Unitard pointed out, Ron Gant [just check out the size of my biceps]. There are even a couple of other Reds on the list, Barry Larkin and Eric Davis but neither of them did the codeine lean during their homerun trot, lessening their appeal.

In a season of such profound disappointment, it's nice to see that at least one member of the Reds is still trying, trying fill up the stat sheet to reach personal goals, but trying none the less. Brandon Phillips, you're all right. If Tom Shearn is going to pitch like he did tonight, he might as well not even get up out of the trunk of his Ford Tempo, where he lives. The console doubles as the restroom.

Reds Take It One Day at a Time, Astros 8-5

Just because the Reds have, technically, been eliminated from playing meaningful baseball until next season, is no reason to stop paying attention to the series with the Astros. At least Dane Cook isn't yelling at me about the joy of Reds baseball. I'd make that sacrifice every season. That guy's a real toolbox.

Tonight, Bailey started and wasn't all that impressive. He was given a lead but gave it back with help from Coutlangus and some pretty awful defense behind him. Votto made his debut as the three hitter and hit a bomb in his first at bat, but did little else to aid the team afterwards. He did commit an error in left, which I suppose kept Bailey's ERA down. Nice work Joey. Hopper got a couple of hits at the top of the order and drove in not one, but two runs on the season. That gives him a total of 14 for the season, which, coincidentally, is also the number of toes he has. That's what makes him such an effective leadoff hitter. Tom Shearn emerges from the den he's built under the mound to dominate the Astronauts tomorrow. Yeah!

Reds Lose to a Bunch of Sack Specialists, Giants 5-4

The author was watching another sport today and Jim Nantz, you know your favorite announcer next to Phil Simms, of course, among other simply idiotic comments/attempts at sounding less like a robot, referred to a member of the Chargers as a "San Diego Sack Specialist." I am not a moron and understand football and the term "sack", but I'm pretty sure that term would be offensive to just about everyone from San Diego. Just try asking politely, "pardon sir, since you are from San Diego, are you by any chance a sack specialist?" I understand that this opening is not in any way related to Reds baseball, but we're running low on material around here. A series loss to the Giants? Any reason to pay attention from now on? Yes, many. Let's start with the featured photo:

Because we're running low on season, I decided it was time to reprise the Big Frucking Nasty spring training photo. He did throw a scoreless inning,which is cause for at least a minor celebration. Maybe a Busch Light and a half container of candy beans. Baseball games no longer contain "This is Our Country," or that iPod commercial with the woman singing, I think the song goes something like "my voice drives nails in your brain." The author can't be alone in thinking that when medicine has progressed to the point of saving John Mellencamp from a massive coronary, we've crossed the line to playing god. Also, that Norris Hopper, Jeff Keppinger, Jorge Cantu top of the order [especially when Coats substituted for Dunn] will go down as possibly the most fantastic top of the order in the history of major league baseball. As we Reds fans know, they are not only excellent ball players but fine men and excellent citizens. Finally, the author is really looking forward to crushing some Chicago soul next week. But that's still a while off.

For today, the lack of comment is in response to Harang's performance. Beat the goddamned Giants and pick up number 17. Pedro Feliz is, how you say, a piece of trash. Last day off tomorrow, enjoy it team. Maybe you can talk to Griffey about his reptured testical. I know that's what I would be doing. "Did it feel more like someone zotted you with a cattle prod or conked you with a ball peen hammer?"

Ah My Groin, But Reds Beat Giants 4-2

As disappointing as it was to see the Reds lose the series to the Cubs, putting them back in first place, Griffey yank his groin and take the rest of the season off, that victory today over the Giants tonight sure was sweet. Not only did Bailey return and pitch well but he did so against a lineup which had at least four players I wasn't aware existed. You're not going to hold Eugenio Velez to one hit in three at bats very often, that's how effective Bailey was tonight. Throw in Nate Schierholtz in right, Guillermo Rodriguez behind the plate, and Rajai Davis, that's a very impressive lineup. This was a demonstration of what we Reds fans have to look forward to in the future.

McBeth still isn't able outs without first giving up some runs but Hopper had a nice night at the plate, dribbling grounders through the infield. And let me tell you 'bout Jason Ellison, that guy is an out of this world talent. Keppinger drove in two and Jorge Cantu added a pinch RBI double. Quite a game, one I'm sure everyone is very interested. At least we get to see more of Buck Coats. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Weathers Pre/Post Game

Reds Make Rugs From Cubs, 5-2

The author was obviously waiting for a Reds' victory to unveil the newest of Dr. Tiffee's Photoshop work. I like the canteen, is that an elk's bladder? And if you think Mr. Redlegs can kill some animals, you have to see Harang. In the woods, full camouflage, arms spinning in two circles as he runs screaming at the family of badgers. It's something.

Today, he was in full on berserker mode. He stalked, then choked the young bears to death. Limiting the Cubs, who still suck regardless of the proximity to the top of the division, to two runs over seven. We won't discuss how/who drove in those two runs, just part of the game. Unskilled frenchmen have to pick up a hit every now and again. Regardless, Harang picks up his 16th which evens him with last year's total. He has at least two more to break that. Encarnacion went 3 for 4 with a homer and a couple driven in. This has been a very nice end to the season for Eddie. The author predicts he starts next season at Louisville. That kid's got a lot of growing up to do. Weathers was less terrible tonight but we remaining fans could have used those three outs last night. It's Mark "Free Out" DeRosa, make some pitches. Anyway, nice victory and Tom Shearn with the victory tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Ah Hamburgers

For those of you who could pull themselves away from the captivating Beagles/Savages game this evening [Charles Barkley was in the booth?], you got to see one of the better meltdowns the Reds have put together this season. A chance to really hurt the Cubs in their race for the playoffs dissolved when Weathers gave up three in the 9th including the game winner to, say what ya' big dummy, Mark DeRosa. Fortunately, a season of futility has allowed the author to reach the point of quiet acceptance. But tomorrow, beating.

Sausages Take Last Two

Don't let those smiling sausages fool you, the Brewers know the Reds took it easy on them the last two days, just because we hate those Cubs so much. So, enjoy people of Milwaukee, when you're back to being a non-competitive franchise for the next 20 years, the Reds request that you return the favor.

Again, Tom Shearn is Just Too Good, Reds 5-4

The Brewers obviously have been watching a lot of Cardinals' games lately, taking lessons on how not to make it into the post season. Last night, the Reds jumped all over "ace" Ben Sheets, knocking him out after just three innings. And with Shearn on the mound, you know the Reds aren't going to need much offense. He picked up the third win of his very impressive rookie season. I think he can upgrade to a sleeping bag on the bleachers. You've earned it Tom.

Today, the Reds are really trying to do the Brewers a solid and have decided to start Saarloos. According to reports, Saarloos is getting back to the sinker that got him to the major leagues. Hey, Tom Shearn can pitch every day. So, tune in, it's Saarloos time in Milwaukee.

Also, Eddie Guardado was supoib last night. A scoreless inning, striking out the side? Who is this guy? Looks like he won't have to go back to his demeaning day job, serving tacos with a bunch of teenagers. Reds! Reds! Reds!

It's Hard To Celebrate A Victory When the Opposition Just Doesn't Care, Reds 5-4

Votto collected three hits, Daggum Ross hit a two-run shot, and Harang picked up his 15th win of the season but all the author hears from the Cardinal fan base is that we could have won that game if we wanted to, but we don't care. They are a very aloof organization. And in all honesty, there's really no comeback for such a defense. Who wants to really pound a team into submission when they have no strong feelings either way? All I know is my gut says maybe.

On the other hand, the clubhouse is bound to be much cooler now that Hamilton doesn't have to worry about playing baseball for the rest of the season. And seriously, who doesn't feel like buying some rock cocaine from a guy with a glass eye, wearing a poncho, and smoking it in the bathroom stall after playing baseball for close to three hours. Gives you some time to relax, get your head together. These guys could learn a thing or two from the comeback player of the year. Nice series Reds, let's turn the beating on the Brewers tomorrow in Milwaukee. Now there's a victory you can feel good about. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Arroyo Rocks it Like a Masochist, Reds 5-1

The author apologizes for the lack of activity. All these Reds victories just blend into the last. It's hard to keep them all straight. The Reds take the first two from the Fighting Human Growth Hormones at the GAB. The Cardinals appear to have given up on hope on the season, dropping their sixth in a row.

Arroyo went six, but if you believe his quotes, actually wanted to stay in the game and pitch some more. But Mackanin yanked him in favor of fan favorite Jorge Cantu, who struck out swinging. Stanton, though it's much too late to be trying to make any friends around these parts, got an out, which is positive, and then we got to see Majewski, Burton, and Weathers. You just don't stand a chance against a pen of that quality. Encarnacion had a nice night, with a bomb and three driven in. Phillips also went deep and stole a base, meaning, even though he still refuses to draw a walk, he looks to soon become one of baseball's offensive elite. 30/30 used to be reserved for guys like Eric Davis or Jose Canseco. Looks like Brandon Phillips will soon be the answer to that Aflac trivia question. Thom's guess will be Ron Oester or Chris Stynes, though the latter, if the author recalls correctly, played more third than second. Big win tonight team, finish the sweep tomorrow morning. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Bullpen Melts Down, Dumatrait is Garbage, Brewers take last two of the series

While the author has repeatedly stated a preference towards the Brewers, or anyone else, other than the Cubs winning the Central, the losses the last couple of days don't seem all that great. On Saturday, Harang left with a lead but the normally reliable units of the bullpen gave it up, then picked up the loss in the 9th. Burton was subtastic and Weathers may just be too fat this late in the season. A boiler like really takes a toll over the course of 162 games.

Today, Dumatrait entered his name into the recordbooks for crappiness. He allowed the first five men to reach but the best part is that the first three, Rickie Weeks, J.J. Hardy, and Ryan Braun, all hit home runs. The author feels that if anyone is going to set a record for being generally shity on the mound, Phil Dumatrait is as qualified as anyone else. Nice work Phil. We got to see the whole gang today, Saarloos, Guardado, McBeth, Coffey. Those guys give me something to look forward to for the rest of the season.

Out Ridin' Fences

Brewers Provide No Competition, Reds 11-4

With the Brewers only a half game behind the Cubs to start the day [and 1/2 game in front of the Cards], you'd think they'd have been more interested in playing some baseball. Turns out that was the last thing on their mind. Bush was brutal. I remember some expert from ESPN stating that he would be one of the "players you haven't heard of who you'd want on your team." Well, I would guess that outside of Cincinnati most people haven't heard of Phil Dumatrait, maybe he can be a part of the column as well.

The offense exploded in support of Arroyo, giving him an 8-0 lead after two. The first five Reds got on to start the game with Hamilton getting two hits in the inning. Then Griffey went deep with a guy on in the second but at that point it was pretty much rubbing it in. Ned Yost, eager to get out on the town and meet up with ladies interested in some personal managerial time, got tossed. Can't say I blame you Ned. With Jay Bruce being named the Minor League Player of the Year [even if it is by Baseball America], it turned out to be a pretty good day to be a Reds fan, unless you're Ryan Jorgensen. The author is curious what kind of controlled substance can provide you with the ability to hit .230 at AAA. My guess is sherm. Catchers are into crazy shit. Continue the dominance of the Brewers tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Guardado: Elbow is Coming Along

The author was making his nightly rounds on the internet, of course beginning with Jorge Cantu’s blog. The fact that it hasn't been updated for almost a year doesn't take away from the appeal. Take this comment from flynn_steve for example: "I was at the game in which you homered and had two doubles. Good job ! Next time you have two days off, you'll have to come ride one of my horses. I find that always clears my mind and totally relaxes me." The idea of Jorge riding horses with flynn_steve is the new image I'll use to calm myself down, like when Guardado comes into Reds' games in the late innings. Ride Jorge, ride.

Following that excellent segue the author found an interesting article from a couple of days ago on Major League players.com. It's written by the Reds' own Eddie Guardado and appears to have been edited by 100 chimps working around the clock. It's titled, "Why Can't I Get Any Outs?" The article itself deals with Eddie's return from offseason elbow surgery as well as his opinions regarding orange wigs and bow ties. It's clearly something that would be very interesting to everybody. Here are some highlights:

• "This is my 14th season so it took me a long time to get hurt, I guess. While the surgery kept me out for almost a year, some guys say you can come back even stronger than before."
• "But the worst part was watching my team lose and not being able to do anything about it. I wanted to get back fast, not only for myself but to try and help the team. We were really struggling for most of the season. Between being out and watching the team lose, this has been the most frustrating season of my career."
• "When I finally got activated, the butterflies started coming. I ran out of saliva."
• "My first outing on Aug. 9, I came in during a one-run game and gave up a run that tied the game. But I was glad just to be contributing again."
• "How long will I keep playing? My wife always asks me that question. I don't know. We'll see how things go. I do know I'm playing for one reason: to get a ring. Winning the World Series is the one goal that I have and maybe it can happen in the next couple seasons. I really want to retire with a World Series ring on my finger."

So, there you guys go. There weren't any stats in the article, which I think paint a pretty accurate picture of Everyday Eddie's season thus far [12.91 ERA, 14 H, 11ER in 7.2 IP], but I'd still give it an A- for heartwarmingness. There just aren't enough athlete-written articles on the internet. Guardado may be the worst pitcher in the majors, but he's one hell of a solid guy. He's happy just to be back out there on the mound contributing/killing the Reds every chance he gets. He's a competitor, a competitor with a diseased salivary gland. And those guys who said you'll come back stronger after the surgery, you can tell them right now, they are absolutely right.

Votto Pops Mets in the Mouth, God Damn, Reds 7-0

A convincing victory like today's deserves not just any picture, but a picture of an inflatable chair in the shape of the baseball glove. You can actually purchase that chair online, for $129.99, so everything typed from this point on is for my benefit alone. I can't compete with a Cincinnati Reds pool chair. Additionally, according to the site, "round storage compartments on each side work great as cup holders and depositories for snacks, radios, or suntan." The author knows the importance of a good snack depository.

It was the Joey Votto and Tom Shearn show which put an end to the five game skid, but really when isn't it the Tom Shearn show? Votto hit a bomb in his second big league at bat, then reached base the other three. Maybe Hatteberg would be interested in pitching out of the bullpen, since the organization has been pretty clear that Votto is going to get an extended look as the left-handed first baseman. You simply cannot reduce Jorge Cantu's time on the field. Hatteberg is appealing as a relief pitcher because he is anyone other than Eddie Guardado. Shearn picked up his second major league victory against the Mets' JV squad. No Reyes, Delgado, or the very dangerous Paul LoDuca today, but there were still some tough outs in the Met lineup. Mike DiFelice will hammer mistakes all day long. Phillips went yard to start the scoring and Eddie added three hits with two ribs. A nice way to send the Mets away, get the hell out of here ya' gagooches! Day off tomorrow while the players clean out their snack depositories. Look the miniature box score is back. Squint at that impressive Reds line. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Welcome Newcomers, Today Will Serve as Your Tour of the Cincinnati Reds, Mets 11-7

Today we saw the first big league at bat of the man presumed to be the Reds' first baseman of the future, the Raging Canadian, Joey Votto [complete with picture of Homer Bailey on his player profile on the Reds' site]. With the expanded roster size we also saw the less anticipated arrival of Buck Coats, who does truly have a great name, as well as noted assholes Big Frucking Nasty, McBeth [from the other day], Brad Salmon, Kirk Saarloos and then finally some guy named Hanigan. Hanigan is rumored to be holding down Ryan Jorgensen's roster position while he's away for personal reasons, so that may answer some questions regarding the level of talent. But it may not, the author is keeping an open mind. The author is glad to see you recalled relievers can dominate [i.e. get outs once in a while] AAA and still be immune from recording major league outs. Nice game tonight Nasty, a walk, three hits and of course a home run, the second of the night, given up to Paul LoDuca. It's a good thing your handsome face packs the stands behind the bullpen or you might just get the rest of the year off.

This is what the future looks like for many of you. Seven runs scored but the team still loses by four. Of course Olivia Perez gets the win, because his stuff is just dominating. And then Paul LoDuca, that's right the same number eight hitting catcher who has shown no power all season, hits two home runs and drives in seven. After the two this evening, his season total is up to seven, so maybe that's not so bad after all. The author figured those were his first two of the year, but after looking it up turns out that they were only his first hit since June 30th. And that's just two months ago, so there's really nothing to feel bad about. And the seven RBIs? Well, he did have a total of 10 for the months of July and August combined, so maybe the author should give him a little credit as a solid run producer. The offense wasn't half bad tonight. Phillips had a nice day at the plate, getting his average back up to .290, and Hopper got a couple of knocks. Though the performance of Jorge Cantu, for those of you currently staying tuned for the nightly "Cantu Watch" segment, was a bit of a disappointment. If you want to attain more than a cult status, which I personally think you are more than capable, you'll have to avoid the soul crushing double play balls.

Reds get John Maine tomorrow, who they beat up in New York. No reason to take it easy on him tomorrow. Tom Shearn is on the hill, so looks like those bullpen worries can be forgotten. He hit the trailer early, got some solid sack time for the big day tomorrow. For those of you wondering what a guy named Buck Coats looks like, the author was surprised he wasn't winking at the camera in his stock photo, here you go.

Mr. Met Murders Harang's Family Before the Game, and Reds Lose 10-4

There is no other explanation for Harang's lack of focus. Hey, I can't blame the guy, he wants to be out there pitching, but we all saw him in New York against the Mets. This just wasn't the same giant monster today. Just imagine those murderous eyes [pictured at right] looking at you while you're trying to concentrate on the mound. He's got the blood lust.

On the other, non-pretend murder hand, the offense wasn't overly impressive again today. And now to teach you a lesson, you're the lead in for every SportsCenter commercial. "Was Pedro Mart-astic or Mart-arded today against the Reds? Tune into Sports Center at the top of the hour." Mart-arded could easily be replaced by Mart-errible. Griffey did take the time to get a runner in from third with a sacrifice fly. I don't know if you noticed, but on the Reds' official site that is one of the two choices for video from today's game. The other is the game-ending double play that Phillips hit into. Hey, Jorge Cantu got his average back up to .267 with a big single in the 9th. That acquisition is looking better every day, don't forget to check out his blog. Krivsky you diabolical. Tomorrow, Belisle is on the mound but he gets to go up against Oliver Perez. I know, I've seen Olivia's numbers this year but we all know, deep down, he's a piece of garbage. And he will pitch like it tomorrow.

Reds Birds Outwit Redmen Again, Cardinals 3-2

The Cardinals looked a little more like a playoff team, for this series at least, than the Reds' recent competition in the Central. The author has not been impressed with perennial losers, the Cubs or Brewers this entire second half. But the Cardinals seem to have their head screwed on right. Of course they're still assholes, assholes who played pretty good baseball this weekend.

Today, Arroyo was pretty solid and at least got into the 7th, he didn't finish the inning but he's giving it his best shot. The Rick Ankiel Outfieldmotron continued to kill the Reds with a home run and what turned out to be the winning run knocked in on a sac fly. The Reds offense decided not to show up this series, even against Braden Looper. Though the author read somewhere that Looper dominates in day games for some reason. That doesn't make any sense unless he's a werewolf and gets nervous the closer the game gets to the full moon. Griffey had two opportunities with a runner at third and less than two outs and decided not to knock in either man. I guess it's up to him, I'm not going to the Hall of Fame.

Tomorrow, the Reds go back home to face the Mets and the exhumed corpse of Pedro Martinez. He's back as a zombie and may have a taste for human blood but more likely, is going to pitch like a dead body. No word on whether or not his geri curl made it back with him. My fingers are crossed. The Mets just swept the Braves, but seriously, who hasn't? Before that they lost four to the Phillies. Hey, we get to see our old pal Jeff Conine. I can't wait to talk about the good old days in Tacoma.

Timmons: Tacoma? Tell me Jeff, does it still smell like shit there?
Jeff Conine: Smells like shit? The city smells like an a giant outhouse.
Timmons: Boy, that brings me back.

Cardinals Roll Reds Up, Smoke Them Like a Cigarette, 11-3

Dumatrait's start probably lived up to the low expectations of not being god awful, but he was still pretty awful. To his defense, he should have been out of the 5th after that ground ball to Keppinger. But just because Phillips doesn't hit Pujols in the face on his relay to first is no excuse to toss the game out the window. Jim Edmonds shouldn't be the offensive catalyst. That by itself is reason to get you yanked from the game.

The picture to the left seems appropriate, after Gosling's performance yesterday. Maybe the reason that he can't get anyone out is that he pitches like he catches, with his eyes closed. He believes that by simply listening for the ball, or the catcher's mitt when he's on the mound, he can reach a higher plain of perception than by relying upon the most obvious of senses. However, anyone on the team, eyes open or not, is a better option than Guardado. So, at least we got the night off from him. Anyway, Reds turn to the Arroyo rock show to salvage the series today. Hopefully he can last longer than the five and a third he's been turning in lately because every single member of that bullpen just can't wait to get in there and suck.

Reds Guardadoed, 8-5 Cardinals

The Reds were spotted a nice lead by the striped socks of Anthony Reyes but weren't interested in scoring any more runs after his exit. To make sure no one's feelings were hurt, after allowing a first inning bomb to Hamilton, the Reds brought in Guardado to face Ankiel with the bases loaded in the 6th. Everyday Eddie, of course, gave up the grand slam. St. Louis' heart was warmed. Eddie is just so solid out of the bullpen. But Majewski's inability to retire So Taguchi didn't help either.

Tom Shearn wasn't awful, but not particularly impressive either, going only four and a third. Looks like he's going to have to go back to sleeping in the equipment shed. On a more positive note, that inside- the-parker by Encarnacion was pretty sweet, with Duncan ramming his face into the fence. And Griffey decided to forego his trademark walk to first base and legged out his first triple of the season. He's an exciting player. Phil Dumatrait back up to make the start today. He should shoot for "not god awful." I'm sure everyone would consider that a success.

Hamilton v. Ankiel: Which Feel Good Story is the Feel Goodest?

From the desk of Josh Hamilton:

Hey y’all. Your buddy Josh Hamilton here, writing to personally invite all of you to make the short trip to St. Louis and join us for our big weekend series with the Cardinals. With the inconsistent play of the leaders in the Central, no team, other than the Pirates, can be eliminated from pennant contention. That’s what makes this part of the baseball season so exciting. The Reds’ resurgence can be attributed to any number of factors: the change in management, some timely hitting, solid bullpen work. The Cardinals’ recent success, if you’ve been paying attention to the drivel oozing out of the baseball media, can be traced to a single source, Rick Ankiel. Apparently, failure on baseball’s biggest stage, three seasons lost to injuries, and then a dramatic comeback as a fourth outfielder endears you to the public. Oh, that just warms my heart. Suddenly, after four home runs everyone’s calling you the Natural and they’ve all forgotten about Josh Hamilton. That’s bush league man. Use some imagination.

Where I come from, North Carolina, we don’t forget about our new favorite player just because somebody who used to be a pitcher gets called up, and look, now he’s an outfielder. Give me a break. We all know Ankiel’s a cyborg who’s been programmed with the ability to grow a soul patch. All you do is lift up his hat, remove the “pitcher” cartridge and insert “outfielder.” It’s an elementary school science experiment. You guys are smarter than that. And it’s not like he came straight to the bigs after having never played any higher than A ball. Hey hoss, it's nothing to feel bad about, some guys just need that extra season at AAA, but you know who didn’t? That’s right, you're looking at him, 2007’s feel good story Josh Hamilton. It’s like no one’s been paying attention to what's been going on here in Cincinnati. Out of the sport for four years, put $3.5 million of my signing bonus up my nose, I’ve even got Narron’s brother babysitting me on the road. I may have found Jesus but I’ve still got the demons man, demons that look like a bag of rock. How about the time where I turned up all strung-out on my Grandma’s porch. You remember any of that shit? I guess it was only in USA Today, maybe you don’t read nationally syndicated publications. But hey, Ankiel used to be big-time until his brain broke. What a scoop.

If you want me out there on the mound throwing 95 over the catcher's head, that’s no problem, check the scouting report from high school. And that’s even after I tuned it down. Pitchers are dead weight, people show up to watch me swing the bat 110 mph. It’s documented. If you're willing to settle for the Full House of baseball comeback stories, you know with all the scripted laughs and contrived emotion, go ahead and cheer for Uncle Jesse Ankiel. I'll still be here, taking it one day at a time, just trying to bring a little hope to the community around me. Try and remember that. JH

Hey Donkey, Right Up Top, Reds Win 5-4

Just ask Adam Dunn about the year he's having, seriously do it. Let me tell you about his season, incredible. He's having an incredible year. And tonight he was in true form. Show stopping form. He showed everyone the full range of his trade. In the first inning he charged a bloop to left and when it fell in he overran it and had to turn and chase. Once he tracked the ball down, he whirled and fired it in the direction of home plate, nowhere near the cutoff. But the Big Donkey is very wise. That's the old fake erratic throw play he will implement from time to time. Encarnacion, of course, was already positioned in foul territory and made the very easy throw to the plate. Sure Sanchez took second on the play and later scored, but that can certainly be attributed to B-Lizzle's failure to make quality pitches.

Then in the fourth, the Reds had the bases loaded with two outs. Encarnacion singled to left and two runs crossed the plate, making it a 2-1 game. But the Pirates appealed to third and the umps ruled that Dunn who appeared to score from second failed to step on the bag at third. The umpires stood around for a while, then took both runs off the board. So, the Reds went from up a run to down a run and the hit and the two RBIs were taken away from Eddie. It's a good thing Dunn and Encarnacion are so tight [they've got a duet album coming out this fall, We Tight is the single]. But let me tell you what Donkey was thinking, if the Reds are going to contend, they need to work, to focus in the face of adversity. To dig deep, if you will. And that's what they did. After the bullpen returned to it's trademark shittiness, Griffey found some grass behind third and Gonzalez ran like he was being chased by wolves and scored from first. And then Phillips saved the game with a fantastic play in the bottom of the 9th. Game over and the Reds split the series. Even though it's just the Pirates, that is a pretty satisfying victory. All thanks to Adam Dunn. Tom Shearn's on the mound tomorrow, he's been sleeping under the team bus on a bed he made out of leaves so he should be ready for his start. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Lt. Harang Doesn't Need Your Eight Runs, Reds Win 8-0

No better way to bounce back from two losses in one day to the Pirates then to put Aaron Harang on the mound. The offense woke up but Harang wasn't much interested. He went the full nine for his first shut out of the season. He only needed 94 pitches to do it. The Pirates are a waste of his time. But he'll really have to turn it up if he wants to get any of those third place Cy Young votes he's been shooting for. The voters aren't going to look to kindly upon those three losses.

The offense piled on Ian Snell. Griffey started the party in the first with a three-run bomb. Alex Gonzalez, in a rare appearance in the two hole [heyo!], had three hits and smoked that sacrifice fly. B. Phill had 2 hits, again, and Valentin had 3. Nice work everyone. Give B-Lizzle the same support tomorrow. Though another shut out is a high probability. Put a sawbuck on it. Series split tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Pirates Punch Reds in the Groin, Take Both Games 6-4, 3-2

The author was amazed with the number of photos involving animals dressed in pirate outfits which are available on the internet. But the happiness derived from a dog with a pegleg was short lived after the losses by the Reds today.

The Pirates are playing better, but are by no means a team that the Reds should be losing to. In game one Lizardman put in his application for a transfer to Louisville. Maybe he can borrow Shearn's car. A grand slam allowed to Freddy Sanchez is not the way to endear yourself to anyone, other than Freddy. The team fought back, aided by everyone's favorite new Red, Jorge Cantu's first home run. That guy is a lights out talent. But the presence of Jason Ellison in the lineup was enough to throw everything out of wack. Let's not see him the rest of the season.

In game 2, Hopper went 4 for 4 at the plate but was lifted in the 9th for a pinch hitter. That hitter was Griffey with the tying run on but he'd looked very similar to Dunn at the end of the first game. Those guys just aren't very interested in pinch-hitting. They're either in the game or they're not. Future Hall of Famers don't pinch hit, give Lenny Harris a call. The offense raised expectations early, with all those base hits. But grounded into 10 double plays and eventually cooled off. Arroyo made another early exit. Some fan yelled out that the Death Wish movies blow, so he had to meet them in the parking lot to beat some ass. No one talks that way about Charles Bronson. Then Majewski, who had really been pretty tolerable of late, gave up the lead, and Bray [with the unforgiveable combination of Sanchez and Adam DeLoage] gave Pittsburgh what ended up being the margin of victory. All around disappointing day for the remaining optimistic Reds fans. Hey, at least Dave Ross is back, 0 for 3 with only 1 strikeout? Good to have you back behind the plate. Let's go ahead and take the next to games.