My Name Is Jay Bruce and I.....Like to Party

After nearly two months of goin' crackers in Louisville, Jay Bruce gets his chance in Cincinnati starting tomorrow. He's shown that there's nothing left for him to prove in the minor leagues and eagerly awaits the opportunity to be buried deep on Dusty's bench.

In his spring audition Bruce showed that, sadly, he's no Corey Patterson. But, though Patterson's $3 million salary is paid in apple cores and edible tree bark (with incentive clauses for bunts grounded back to the pitcher, first pitches popped up on the infield, and months with an OBP under .250), much to the surprise to everyone in the country, Corey's struggled to get things going. Through 44 games, he's hitting a robust .201/.242/.354 but has managed to keep the bases clog-free with 8 bags in 12 attempts. Those batting numbers are well below the impressive career .256/.295/.411 line we were all expecting coming into the season. Can't win them all.

At the conclusion of Spring Training, Bruce was shipped down to Louisville, mainly to show those fucking nerds what it takes to be a professional baseball player. A top prospect based upon excellent peripherals and pitch selection? That sounds like nerd bullshit to me. I'll bet my Dusty Baker autographed wristbands that the editorial staff at Baseball Prospectus couldn't have made the JV softball team as seniors in high school. They were too busy working on their topographical math charts and reading Shakespeare in the bathroom stall so they didn't have to take a shower with their sweatpants on or, god forbid, reveal their naked bodies in front of the other males. Dusty will be happy to show you where you can store your VORP. Your rectum, you can ball up your complex statistical evaluations and store them there for all he cares. He knows from experience how to transition a player from prospect to superstar. Just ask Corey Patterson and his .256/.295/.411.

The remaining question seems to be where Bruce hits in the order. We know that speed is of utmost importance at the top of a Dusty Baker batting order. Eight bags for the River Bats, is not bad but not great either, especially with that lofty average. If he's hitting leadoff, I want him running every opportunity he gets, regardless of the likelihood of success. Dusty's clubhouse preaches a reckless disregard for the risk involved. It puts pressure on the defense and is the way you win baseball games. So, get your head together, remember that MLB clubhouse managers are expecting more than the $.50 tip you left in Louisville, and ask around and find out which girls have been hanging around Freel's locker. You don't want what they're carrying. You can take that advice from their mouthsores or from the cake.