Hamilton v. Ankiel: Which Feel Good Story is the Feel Goodest?

From the desk of Josh Hamilton:

Hey y’all. Your buddy Josh Hamilton here, writing to personally invite all of you to make the short trip to St. Louis and join us for our big weekend series with the Cardinals. With the inconsistent play of the leaders in the Central, no team, other than the Pirates, can be eliminated from pennant contention. That’s what makes this part of the baseball season so exciting. The Reds’ resurgence can be attributed to any number of factors: the change in management, some timely hitting, solid bullpen work. The Cardinals’ recent success, if you’ve been paying attention to the drivel oozing out of the baseball media, can be traced to a single source, Rick Ankiel. Apparently, failure on baseball’s biggest stage, three seasons lost to injuries, and then a dramatic comeback as a fourth outfielder endears you to the public. Oh, that just warms my heart. Suddenly, after four home runs everyone’s calling you the Natural and they’ve all forgotten about Josh Hamilton. That’s bush league man. Use some imagination.

Where I come from, North Carolina, we don’t forget about our new favorite player just because somebody who used to be a pitcher gets called up, and look, now he’s an outfielder. Give me a break. We all know Ankiel’s a cyborg who’s been programmed with the ability to grow a soul patch. All you do is lift up his hat, remove the “pitcher” cartridge and insert “outfielder.” It’s an elementary school science experiment. You guys are smarter than that. And it’s not like he came straight to the bigs after having never played any higher than A ball. Hey hoss, it's nothing to feel bad about, some guys just need that extra season at AAA, but you know who didn’t? That’s right, you're looking at him, 2007’s feel good story Josh Hamilton. It’s like no one’s been paying attention to what's been going on here in Cincinnati. Out of the sport for four years, put $3.5 million of my signing bonus up my nose, I’ve even got Narron’s brother babysitting me on the road. I may have found Jesus but I’ve still got the demons man, demons that look like a bag of rock. How about the time where I turned up all strung-out on my Grandma’s porch. You remember any of that shit? I guess it was only in USA Today, maybe you don’t read nationally syndicated publications. But hey, Ankiel used to be big-time until his brain broke. What a scoop.

If you want me out there on the mound throwing 95 over the catcher's head, that’s no problem, check the scouting report from high school. And that’s even after I tuned it down. Pitchers are dead weight, people show up to watch me swing the bat 110 mph. It’s documented. If you're willing to settle for the Full House of baseball comeback stories, you know with all the scripted laughs and contrived emotion, go ahead and cheer for Uncle Jesse Ankiel. I'll still be here, taking it one day at a time, just trying to bring a little hope to the community around me. Try and remember that. JH

Hey Donkey, Right Up Top, Reds Win 5-4

Just ask Adam Dunn about the year he's having, seriously do it. Let me tell you about his season, incredible. He's having an incredible year. And tonight he was in true form. Show stopping form. He showed everyone the full range of his trade. In the first inning he charged a bloop to left and when it fell in he overran it and had to turn and chase. Once he tracked the ball down, he whirled and fired it in the direction of home plate, nowhere near the cutoff. But the Big Donkey is very wise. That's the old fake erratic throw play he will implement from time to time. Encarnacion, of course, was already positioned in foul territory and made the very easy throw to the plate. Sure Sanchez took second on the play and later scored, but that can certainly be attributed to B-Lizzle's failure to make quality pitches.

Then in the fourth, the Reds had the bases loaded with two outs. Encarnacion singled to left and two runs crossed the plate, making it a 2-1 game. But the Pirates appealed to third and the umps ruled that Dunn who appeared to score from second failed to step on the bag at third. The umpires stood around for a while, then took both runs off the board. So, the Reds went from up a run to down a run and the hit and the two RBIs were taken away from Eddie. It's a good thing Dunn and Encarnacion are so tight [they've got a duet album coming out this fall, We Tight is the single]. But let me tell you what Donkey was thinking, if the Reds are going to contend, they need to work, to focus in the face of adversity. To dig deep, if you will. And that's what they did. After the bullpen returned to it's trademark shittiness, Griffey found some grass behind third and Gonzalez ran like he was being chased by wolves and scored from first. And then Phillips saved the game with a fantastic play in the bottom of the 9th. Game over and the Reds split the series. Even though it's just the Pirates, that is a pretty satisfying victory. All thanks to Adam Dunn. Tom Shearn's on the mound tomorrow, he's been sleeping under the team bus on a bed he made out of leaves so he should be ready for his start. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Lt. Harang Doesn't Need Your Eight Runs, Reds Win 8-0

No better way to bounce back from two losses in one day to the Pirates then to put Aaron Harang on the mound. The offense woke up but Harang wasn't much interested. He went the full nine for his first shut out of the season. He only needed 94 pitches to do it. The Pirates are a waste of his time. But he'll really have to turn it up if he wants to get any of those third place Cy Young votes he's been shooting for. The voters aren't going to look to kindly upon those three losses.

The offense piled on Ian Snell. Griffey started the party in the first with a three-run bomb. Alex Gonzalez, in a rare appearance in the two hole [heyo!], had three hits and smoked that sacrifice fly. B. Phill had 2 hits, again, and Valentin had 3. Nice work everyone. Give B-Lizzle the same support tomorrow. Though another shut out is a high probability. Put a sawbuck on it. Series split tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Pirates Punch Reds in the Groin, Take Both Games 6-4, 3-2

The author was amazed with the number of photos involving animals dressed in pirate outfits which are available on the internet. But the happiness derived from a dog with a pegleg was short lived after the losses by the Reds today.

The Pirates are playing better, but are by no means a team that the Reds should be losing to. In game one Lizardman put in his application for a transfer to Louisville. Maybe he can borrow Shearn's car. A grand slam allowed to Freddy Sanchez is not the way to endear yourself to anyone, other than Freddy. The team fought back, aided by everyone's favorite new Red, Jorge Cantu's first home run. That guy is a lights out talent. But the presence of Jason Ellison in the lineup was enough to throw everything out of wack. Let's not see him the rest of the season.

In game 2, Hopper went 4 for 4 at the plate but was lifted in the 9th for a pinch hitter. That hitter was Griffey with the tying run on but he'd looked very similar to Dunn at the end of the first game. Those guys just aren't very interested in pinch-hitting. They're either in the game or they're not. Future Hall of Famers don't pinch hit, give Lenny Harris a call. The offense raised expectations early, with all those base hits. But grounded into 10 double plays and eventually cooled off. Arroyo made another early exit. Some fan yelled out that the Death Wish movies blow, so he had to meet them in the parking lot to beat some ass. No one talks that way about Charles Bronson. Then Majewski, who had really been pretty tolerable of late, gave up the lead, and Bray [with the unforgiveable combination of Sanchez and Adam DeLoage] gave Pittsburgh what ended up being the margin of victory. All around disappointing day for the remaining optimistic Reds fans. Hey, at least Dave Ross is back, 0 for 3 with only 1 strikeout? Good to have you back behind the plate. Let's go ahead and take the next to games.

Tom Shearn Is Very Impressive, 9-3

For all of you who pay attention to the Reds' minor league affiliates, I'm sure have been waiting for Tom Shearn to get his big league call. Actually, the author remembers thinking, god damn I hope the Krivsky never calls up Tom Shearn. Well they did and boy does the author look like a fool. Tom Shearn and his 30-year-old arm, after waiting for twelve seasons, will likely get another big league start in about five days. How about that.

The win today marked the Res' sixth consecutive. And since the author didn't write anything yesterday regarding B-Lizzle's big return from exile, now is the time to commemorate the team's longest winning streak of the season. The offense has been exceptional these last six games. Today, three more homers including a grand slam by soon-to-be-demoted, Ryan Jorgensen. No room for you with Daggum Ross getting healthy. It's not just any major leaguer who strikes out one out of every three plate appearances. Phillips seems to be in his manic cycle again, which always helps out the offense. Day off tomorrow while the Mackanins take in all this success, followed by a double dip with the Pirates on Tuesday. How's a 10-game winning streak sound? Reds! Reds! Reds!

Harang Has Marlin Sandwich, Reds 5-3

Suddenly, after what has been for the most part a disappointing season, the author has less shame in being a Reds fan. Sure the Marlins are a poor baseball team, but those teams have given the Reds the fits this year. A nice ballgame against a bad team means just as much to us around these parts as beating on the Diamondbacks.

Harang was good over seven, only having the one inning with multiple home runs, and won his thirteenth. Majewski held the lead and Weathers slammed the door with his boiler. Valentin, working on a fourteen game hitting streak, drove in two including the go-ahead. Jorge Cantu got back in the lineup with a single and a run scored. Phillips had three hits, including a triple and a homer and the author goes to bed [passes out in an alley] happy tonight, dreaming of Harang dominating the Marlins on the way to his 13th win. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Big Donkey Leads Pale Faces, Reds 9-7

The author was trying to think of the last time that the Reds dominated the Braves like they did this season. It's certainly been a while. The Reds have proven their vast superiority over their southern enemies. Yesterday's win should leave no further question. Bob Wickman's just too fat to get pitches by Dunn's hole-filled swing. Maybe the Braves should look into a thinner closer or one that looks less like a truck driving pedaphile.

Ramirez did not turn in his best start yesterday but how about the crappier members of the bullpen? Guardado pitched an entire inning, surprising the author much like Stanton's performance the other night, without giving up a run, or even a hit. Teixiera can't feel good about his at bat. Then Saarloos failed on his attempt to allow the most consecutive runners to reach base, but got six outs. Too bad Kirk but you can take pride in that 7.67 ERA. And Gosling, who isn't necessarily in the same category, got the final three outs and a victory. The author is very proud of all of you.

Now, the Marlins arrive and we all remember what happened after the Reds swept the Braves. They weren't playing particularly good baseball then and are playing even worse now. The D-Train ran into a mattress that some jokester placed on the railroad tracks and has that earned run average right around five runs per nine innings. And with a lefty on the mound, we all know what that mean, Jorge Cantu time. Harango can eat a whole marlin with one bite. Reds! Reds! Reds!

When the Reds Are Done With You It'll Look Like They Set Fire to Your Face and Put it Out With an Axe, Reds 4-2

With that win over the Headdresses last night, the Reds climbed 1 game over .500 against teams with a winning record. But you'll notice that the team is still fourteen games under .500. The author can't decide how to react to that. The Reds are a fascinating and thought provoking team.

Last night Hamilton and Keppinger went back to back and Arroyo was pretty good, albeit only over five and a third. He has things to do man. But in stark contrast to everything we've come to know and hate, Mike Stanton pitched more than an inning of relief and gave up, get this, no runs. After he exited with the Reds still in front, we get to the better part of the bullpen. Burton continued to get outs and Weathers threw some pitches slightly outside the strike zone. It's that easy, Reds victory. Today, the Reds meet up with a guy named Buddy. They've scheduled a 4 pm [7 Eastern] beating behind the junior high. We'll see you then, scrote. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Hey Jorge Cantu Isn't So Bad, Reds 8-7

The author was looking for a nice picture of Mr. Cantu to go along with this post and came upon this, the very delightful blog of the Reds' very own Jorge Cantu. It has some pictures of Jorge, unfortunately very few are non-baseball related [where is Jorge windsurfing?], as well as some commentary, most of which relating to his tenure with the Devil Rays. The author knows that you were lying when you said "I don't ever wonder what Jorge Cantu is thinking." You do, we all do. There is nothing of which to be ashamed.

Nice win over the Atlanta Cheap Tobacco Sale today. Bobby Nutsack wasn't up to his nickname, barely lasting longer than Joey Jo-Jo Junior. But the bullpen picked him up, using the equation of Bray, Burton, and Weathers [Majewski even got an out]. Phillips had a nice night at the plate and the aforementioned Cantu had two hits and drove in three. Fortunately the Braves continue to rely upon Peter Moylan and we all know the Reds not only hate Australians but have a special batting practice session dedicated to the art of hitting the Australian fastball. Dick Pole researches more than Dick Pole. So, let's all forget about the seven runs allowed. The Reds' offense is very, very good and can be relied upon to provide at least eight runs per contest. Arroyo dominates the Braves to the point where they want to give up valuable Cubans after seeing him on the mound. The Braves counter with some guy named Buddy [of course I meant Lance, Buddy's today]. Unless he's just got the one testical, nothing to worry about. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Braves Dumatrait Reds, 14-4

Losing Jeff Conine proved to be too much for Phil Dumatrait today. He just couldn't focus out there on the mound, that walk of Andrew Jones in the first should prove that. He only went two plus as the Reds got scalped on their first game back at the Great American. The Braves' new first baseman is a more imposing bat in the middle of the order than the Scott Thorman/Matt Saltalamacchia combination.

On a positive note, not only did we get to see Mark Bellhorn's first start at 3rd base but the arrival of Jorge Cantu. The author obviously was a little premature in welcoming Joey Votto. And I guess we all get to see where Cantu fits into the equation, he's the new Reds backup first baseman. I would assume that Hatteberg gets to hit against both righties and lefties now. Keppinger got three more hits, but that is hardly even newsworthy since he's been doing that since his recall. Though that .382 average is pretty impressive. No wonder the Royals couldn't find a spot to play him. Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo on the mound again tomorrow for the wigwams. Should be no trouble righting the ship.

So Long Mr. Conine

As we all know Jeff Conine loves the post-season, so the Reds shipped him up to New York to play for the Metropolitans. Anything to get Shawn Green off the field. Mr. Met may look a little frightening, but once you get past his explosive violent temper, he's really a pretty decent guy. The author liked Conine but now we may get a chance to see power-hitting Canadian Joey Votto. That would mark the second player this year from the Reds' very own minor league system that fans are actually excited to see. That's not including Mark Belhorn, who The players received in return are SS Jose Castro and OF Sean Henry. Castro 20 and Henry is 22. Both of their numbers from the low minors seem adequate but that's of course before the became part of the Reds' system. If I had to guess, maybe lupus or a partial decapitation is in their future. So, welcome and so long Conine, now you can help beat the Cubs.

Winning Road Trip? Reds Drink Brewers Under the Table, 7-6

It's been a while since the Reds have returned home after having found success on the road. Well, a 4-2 road trip, though they really should have taken all three from the crappy Cubs, is cause for celebration. Maybe with the cutting of Eddie Guardado. Yeah! Now get the hell out of here, you're fired. Today the team showed a little better than Saturday. Harang actually put the team in an early hole with his continued reliance upon the home run ball, but the offense came right back. Dunn hit another bomb and Valentin put them in the lead for good with a pinch ground-rule double. Then Bray, Burton and Weathers got the final outs. Now if only those three guys would throw every night, but tomorrow it will probably be back to a steady diet of Stanton and Guardado shitty stew. That's what the Cincinnati fans want to see. We all remember what these very same Reds did to the Braves down in Atlanta. Get ready for four more wins. Dick Pole's been working with Dumatrait's balance, I know I'm not the only one who's excited about that. Reds! Reds! Reds!

The Sausage Mascots Could Have Played That Well, Reds 8-3

The Brewers aren't even putting up a fight any more. Looks like it will be up to the Reds to save the division from the dastardly Chicago Cubs who currently occupy first. Sure, the Reds are a very good team, but that was just too easy last night. Arroyo flipped up some offspeed and threw sidearm fastballs for seven and a third and the offense didn't even need to do anything other than put the ball in play. It's like the Brewers infield all had strokes before the game, you know, because they had trouble controlling their appendages. No reason the Reds can't take the rest of the series, quickly on their way to the 30-13 record they need to finish at .500, and win the division. The Lizard King makes his triumphant return today. All hail! The Brewers should expect no runs. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Give Cubs a Victory, 12-4

On their world wide Major League Rehabilitative tour, the Reds sometime have to let inferior teams win once in a while. Today, the Reds let the Cubs "offense" put up some runs just so they don't give up on the season right before their big series with the Cardinals. The Reds, Mackanin especially, know the importance of a tight National League Central race. No one is going to tune into Sportscenter and their puns and bouyahs if the division has already been decided. So, there you go Cubs. That's the only one you're going to get the rest of the season.

Livingston reverted back to a Mariners' waiver wire pitcher and Griffey continued to be mystified by the rules involving baserunning. Dunn went yard and the Majewski actually got some outs for the second day in a row before giving a couple of runners over to Mike "I'm a pile of garbage" Stanton. After Bray's performance yesterday, the author is less frightened by the terrible bullpen. Anyway, Brewers tomorrow and we all know how much the Reds love savagely beating the Brewers. Go get 'em team.

Cubs Are All Bluff and No Stuff, Reds 11-9

If the Reds don't win another game the rest of the year [which they will, starting tomorrow] the author will be happy following that victory tonight. Rain made all those Wrigley fans hang around for an hour and a half before the game even started. Dumatrait gave back a 6-3 lead, then Santos crapped it up to 9-6. But the offense came back, all culminating with a pinch two-run bomb by Hambone in the 8th. It was great, especially the audience shots. "Oh no!" [followed my them holding their face in their hands]. Len Kasper continually reminded us that the Brewers had lost earlier in the evening to the St. Louis Ankiels. Tough break shitheads.

The author would like to take some time to recognize Ryan Jorgensen's strong performance this evening. Reds catchers hitting from the right side have struggled for most of the season. The author would like to proclaim Jorgensen, based solely upon the game tonight, the solution to the offensive problems behind the plate. Sure before tonight he's only had four major league at bats and was hitting .230 at Louisville. But that's all behind him, he's finally ready to contribute. Some guys just need to wait until they turn 27. Welcome to the Jorgensen era. Beat the crap out of Marquis tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Just When the Cubs Think They've Got All The Answers, The Reds Change the Questions, 6-5 Reds

Big win tonight for over the inevitably fading Chicago Cubs. The author refuses to buy anti-Cubs propaganda that's not made in the USA. Not much to be afraid of in that offense lacking Soriano [Ah! my quad!]. Sure Harang gave up a couple of home runs, even one to Jacque Jones, but you don't want everyone turning off the game. Let them hang around. Jones' mom can yell at the fans who taunt her son.

The offense atoned for the last time Zambrano faced them. The 13 hits over seven look pretty nice in the box score. Griffey's legs must be feeling good after the two days off. The author loves the aggresiveness on the basepaths, even if your legs have been rebuilt with rods and cones. Tomorrow the team continues their domination off the Cubs with Dumtrait on the mound, who really wasn't that bad last time we saw him. Cubs counter with Lilly who'll you remember as the proud owner of the picture below. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Sure that's Clay Aiken, he actually drew the portrait himself before taking it to the tattoo parlor.

Spanish Priests Evil, Padres 10-4

Arroyo didn't have one of his better starts today and even worse, Daggum Ross was injured in a collision. He later had to leave the game with a headache and concussion-like symptoms. The author assumes the conversation with the trainers went something like this: "Aunt Mamie Lee? Them ribs about ready? I think I crapped my pants." He took the rest of the afternoon off, we hope his bat will be available for the Cubs on Tuesday.

The author doesn't really know what Mackanin expected starting Jason Ellison in right. Though he only struck out the two times in going 0 for 4, that's at least a minor victory. Hamilton made his triumphant return and reached on an error, later scoring a run. The offense really wasn't all that bad, with some help from Khalil Greene, getting four runs off Peavy. He'd probably be the number four starter on the Reds, so you know the author holds him in pretty high regard. So, rest up everyone. You've got a trip to Chicago and you really need to beat the Cubs. Nobody likes to see them anywhere near the top of the division.

Can we finally get rid of Guardado or do we have to celebrate his hard work for the rest of the season? Maybe the Mariners or Twins would like to take him back, he has a strong work ethic.

Bobby Livingston is Just Too Good, Reds 8-3

After another extra innings loss, Bobby Livingston stepped in today and dominated the potent Padres offense. Okay, maybe inept Padres offense is more appropriate but still, he pitched a very nice ballgame. Two home runs to Brian Giles? It's like we took a time ship back to 2002 when he was able to generate some power. But other than that, pretty good performance.

The offense was quiet until the 7th when Keppinger knocked in 2 on a soft single to right. So, get ready for more talk about his professional approach at the plate. The author can't wait. Then they went on to add several more runs, putting the game out of reach. Hey, Bill Bray even got in the game. Nice to see you again. Why don't you use that quality arm of yours to record some outs, rather than taking the approach of your peers. Everyone would be much happier. The author is visiting my parents and they're watching Music and Lyrics starring Drew Barrymore. It's eating at the parts of my brain which allow me to type about baseball. She's like a neurotoxin. So, that will have to be all for now. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Welcome Back Eddie, Now Go Away, 5-4 Dodgers

Eddie Guardado made his triumphant return from arm surgery just in time to give up a late lead as the Reds dropped the final game of the series with the Dodgers. Sure would have been nice to send the Dodgers on their way with that losing streak still intact. But thanks to Eddie, and later Burton, the lesser asshole, the train avoiders go away with a victory.

Nice start today Dumatrait, the author thought, based upon the beginning of the game, that you didn't have much interest in remaining in the major leagues. But you sure showed me, six innings with only the 2 runs given up, who are you, Matt Belisle? I take back all those nasty things I said about your salad. The Priests come into town tomorrow, lets drive a stake through their heart, or some less violent metaphor for victory.

One Brahma Bull, Two Brahma Bulls, Three Brahma Bulls... You Jabronis Hit The Jackpot, Reds 1-0

The author was quite pleased with the performance of the Reds this evening, notably Aaron Harang. After exiting early against the Cubs and taking an extended vacation, the author was worried about tonight's start. The worry turned out to be unnecessary as he treated the Dodgers hitters with much disrespect. Not that they're playing especially good baseball, losing 5 straight, but still very nice performance tonight by the giant starting pitcher.

The offense wasn't able to put much together other than the run-scoring single by Griffey in the fourth. They left some runners on base but made up for it with some uncharacteristically good defense. Phillips made a couple of very nice plays up the middle. Also, big news with the signing of Jason Ellison. Sorry to see that Freel is done for the year but at least the Reds have replaced him with a journeyman Mariner castoff. I'm sure he will make all of us very disappointed. Anyway, back to tonight's victory. Way to go Reds. Tomorrow Dumatrait is on the mound but at least it's against Brett Tomko before he makes his inevitable journey to the Independent League. It's coming, just wait Brett. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Welcome Ex-Adequate Baseball Players

The author was excited to see the return of Guardado and Majewski and the arrival of Mark Bellhorn. It looks as if Bellhorn has used his time in the minors to perfect his angry drifter look. Very wise, no one is going to try and take anything out of your locker or subject you to any good-natured ribbing. You'll gut them like a fish.

According to the Reds' official site, Majewski has gotten a sharp new haircut. The author can't wait for the public unveiling. Maybe now you can get some guys out, but probably not. How's that grievance with the Nationals coming along? And Guardado, the author can't wait to see you late in games. When you're 50-years-old and coming off major arm surgery no reason you can't jump back in and earn that paycheck.

So, in closing, how about all of you guys don't suck as bad as everyone is pretty sure you're going to. Maybe just a little less. Belhorn presently is 1 for 4 with 2 walks, not too bad for a guy who killed two people in Louisville for mentioning Theo Epstein.

Arroyo wants Dodgers out of Cincinnati... Permanently, Reds 4-0

While there was something of moderate baseball importance happening over on the coast [I forget what, something about a guy with a giant head hitting a historic home run, though no sign of Craig Sager circling the bases with him] the author is pretty sure that when you ask someone in 15 years what happened on August 7th, this Reds victory will immediately come to mind. The author will always remember where I was, sitting on my couch searching for a picture of Bronson Arroyo looking like he's having a conversation with a towel. "Perhaps you, towel, can tell me who wiped their ass with you even though you are clearly marked as the property of Bronson Arroyo?"

While the 3 hits allowed to Juan Pierre is troubling, the Dodgers' offense was shut down for the evening, even after Arroyo left the game. The bullpen decided to reward him by not giving back the entire lead. You deserve it Bronson, keep up the good work. The offense was not too bad, starting early off ex-NBA superstar Mark Hendrickson. That guy has more talent in his little finger than your entire god-damned town! Phillips went deep and Easy Eddie collected three hits and drove in a couple with a confusingly scored single. And now that the Reds are playing a team with a record over .500, even if it is the Dodgers, we're looking towards the sweep. The Reds love beating the good teams. The Cubs still don't count. Nice victory tonight team, let's keep up the good work tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Fail to Appease Gods

Too bad the Pittsburgh weather had to be so disagreeable because the author was smelling a sweep today. They'll have to finish this very important series at a later date. The very unlikeable Dodgers pass through Cincinnati tomorrow, the author can't wait. Mark Hendrickson opens the series. Hear that, Mark Hendrickson! He's terrible, so we'll go ahead and put that game in the win column. Go Reds.

Reds Take First Two From Gophers of the Sea, 9-8

The author apologizes for not commenting on a rare Reds victory over a bad team yesterday. B-Liz getting his first win in many moons and the offense finally showing some signs of life. The Washington series fading...fading from memory.

Tonight, Bob Log saw his chances of winning disappear when he couldn't retire Sanchez to lead off the 6th. He got LaRoche, but then Big Frucking Nasty threw his patented straight slider on 0-2 that allowed Bay to showcase some of that Canadian power and the Rats are within a run. Throw in some more bad pitches, a big frucking shower, an appearance by Gosling, and the Pirates are leading 6-4 at the end of the inning. Nice job bullpen. But the team showed a little heart, Keppinger tied it in the 9th and Dunn won it with a two-run shot in the 10th. That's a big donkey. A win like that will make one forget a home run by not only noted piece of garbage Jack Wilson, but the pitcher, Matt "Now I Can Pitch As Bad as I Want" Morris. So, let's make it a sweep tomorrow. Arroyo's feels bad about his last performance after the Reds reportedly decided not to trade him to the Braves for a guy named Jo-Jo and another who came to America on a raft made of driftwood and his own hair. You don't ever want to see that in the media guide. He's still mad at the Pirates for giving up on him and not making him spend the majority of his career in baseball purgatory.

Reds Swept, Hope Fading

Fortunately, the Reds get to go play another team which has been pretty bad, but a sweep to the Nationals is a real soul crusher. Dumatrait was not very good in his first start but may get another one based upon the severity of the injury suffered by Harang. Maybe Dick Pole will need to make an emergency start. He's filthy. So, tomorrow the team's in Pittsburgh and has no reason to continue this losing streak, even with B-Lizzle on the mound.

Welcome Phil Dumatrait

Today the Reds welcome a new member of the team, Phil Dumatrait. He was called up the other day to take Lohse's spot in the rotation, which hurts because the author was really hoping that Saarloos would get to 20 batters without recording an out. Phil D was once considered a prospect when he came over from the Red Sox in the deal for Williamson, but his left arm fell off as soon as he arrived in Cincinnati and doctors had to work all night to reattach it. Now his stuff has been compared to Charlie Leibrant, which, if it was in reference to his hair, is quite a compliment. He has put together pretty decent numbers this year in Louisville, which is encouraging because many of the Nationals should be at AAA. Ryan Church, give me a break. The author is not ready to embrace Dumatrait, mainly because his name is difficult to pronounce. Go back to the minors, get an easier name, then we'll see or I guess beat the Nationals tonight which the Reds have been unwilling to do this year and then we'll have your back. Nice to meet you Phil, try not to be an asshole.