Monday, August 25, 2008

Please Disregard Reds' Record, Play, and Management

With the Reds' season winding down and their performance becoming increasingly unwatchable, you, Cincinnati Reds fan may feel that there is little reason for you to attend games, you know, in person. I just can't follow the action without Thom Brennaman blathering into my ears. Boy does he blather. But, the front office wants you to disregard the price and, the near certain poor performance by the home team, and keep showing up and spending your money on the hot dogs and Dusty Baker endorsed erectile dysfunction medication.

The team of trained monkeys working in the front office have put their hairy skulls together and come up with some give-aways, aimed at both the casual fan as well as the hardcore nuts interested in receiving free crap. This installment focuses the popular recreation of your favorite player with Parkinson's: bobblehead dolls.

1. August 29, Wilkin Castillo: received in the Dunn trade, the Castillo doll prominently features his versatility, something being widely marketed to fans to account for the, seeming, pile of crap acquired in the deal. Pictured above, he's playing the position he's sure to excel at for years to come: left out. He can play 7 positions but doesn't appear to be able to hit at any of them. He did put together a .254/.305/.358 line at AAA Tucson before hopping on the bus and heading to Louisville. Reds fans will certainly enjoy finally having a Wilkin in the organization. It's been too long.

2. August 31, Steve Marriott: all Reds fans will remember Marriott, not only as a founding member of the Small Faces but throughout the 70's for his work with Humble Pie. The Pie rocked it, even if Peter Frampton was in the band. Baby I Love Your Way, was still a long way off. Steve died when he fell asleep with a cig in his mouth and burned the castle he lived in to the ground. But I don't need to tell any of you that, you're Reds fans.

3. September 6, Skyline Chili: Everyone's favorite sponsor and Cincinnati landmark has finally been made into a clay doll which you can either: 1) keep on you desk at work so people will ask you about it ;or 2) keep it in the box in the basement so it will retain its value until your wife donates it to Goodwill. Gub'nor Skyline will be on hand to entertain both the young and old and present you with your very own case of diarrhea. It's a Skyline specialty. Stake out a latrine early or your car will require an extended cleaning the following morning. It's Skyline Time!

4. September 21, Chris Sabo: to my surprise, Sabo has already been captured in bobblehead form. It may have something to do with the fact he played on the 1990 team or his goggles. Or, just is likely, it may be due to the fact that he is fucking crazy. My favorite Sabo anecdote comes secondhand from Ken Griffey, to the senior. A few years ago, when Griffey was a roving instructor, he was watching an affiliate's game from the press box. The game was suspended for rain and everyone left the field, except for Sabo. For the duration of the downpour, he remained in the chair in which he had been seated during the game, which was outside the dugout, getting completely drenched. Griffey witnesses Sabo sitting in the rain and says to the others in the press box that, obviously, Sabo is nuts but also went on to tell the story of the first time he met Sabo, during Spring Training in 1988. Apparently, prior to the game Sabo got dressed in his game uniform, sat in a chair, and spit an entire mouthful of chaw on himself. He didn't say anything to the rest of the team, just sat there and spit on the chest of his clean uniform for 20 minutes. This was the first time that many of the veterans had ever met him. Rumor has it, he also got a 1600 on his SATs. He's Cincinnati's very own Squeaky Frohm. The real-life Sabo will be there with the bobblehead, explaining some of the more confusing concepts of thermodynamics. He'd also be happy to show you his goggles, which, due to the advances in contact lens technology, he can finally wear on his testicles.

5. September 22, Squeaky Frohm: Squeaky's always been girl who knows how to have a good time and that's something that Reds fans can really get behind. Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?

1 comment:

Petey Hendrix said...

Squeeky Frohm is Clay Aiken with more street cred and less PMS.