Harang Announces This Will Be the Last Game He Receives No Run Support, Cardinals 5-2

The offense tricked fans today by jumping out to an early 2-0 lead before turning their focus towards their burgeoning career(s) as a recording artist. It's either one or the other. Harang didn't have his best stuff (he walked Chris Duncan twice which is pretty indicative) but lasted six and only gave up three earned but those three proved to be an insurmountable deficit for the Patterson-less offense. Just ask Dusty, he brings a pic-a-nic basket full of intangibles. Uncle Merky put the game out of reach by giving up a couple in the 7th. That drops the road trip back to .500 before Atlanta starting Friday.

On a positive note, I found this picture while looking around on Google accompanied by the following: "In the 1930's The St. Louis Cardinals baseball team was nicknamed 'The Gas House Gang' to describe the players' fiery attitude toward the game and their fun-loving style of play. In 1987 a quartet from the St. Louis area chose the name to match its own personality. Since that time, the foursome's energetic singing style and diverse repertoire have proven the appropriateness of the title to people across North America and Europe."

Nothing not to like there. Win Friday Reds.

Reds Lose? Cardinals 7-2

The author had gotten so used to the wins over the past three days that today really snuck up on me. Joel Pinero on the mound, Skip Schumaker back at the top of the lineup, easy win. But teams have begun to figure out Cueto's weakness (too much peanut brittle before the game) and the offense was just flat exhausted after bothering to put up 4 runs last night.

We did get to welcome back old friend Bill Bray who got the ball from Louisville. Sadly his promotion coincided with Big Frucking Nasty's demotion. It's unfortunate, but there's just no room on the big league roster for players that are absolutely terrible. See you later Nasty. Bray got some immediate action tonight, showcasing some very hittable stuff. But he didn't give up any runs and he was likely a little nervous with all those other lefties down in the bullpen. He'll be back comfortable on the disabled list in no time. Plan on the Reds taking the series tomorrow.

(also, don't think that 4 and 2/3 of scoreless ball by Josh Fogg went unnoticed. He is filthy and everyone knows it.)

Guitar Solo, Reds 4-3

When reading the recap, I was surprised to learn that this was the first time this season that the Reds have won the first game of a series. It only took 9, nice job team. A lot of the credit has to go, of course, to my main man Dusty, but also Arroyo for not simply phoning it in tonight. I saw his fastball velocity was in the 91-92 range. That's hot, hot to the touch. But beware, outings like this result in increased expectations.

The offense still isn't all that interested in scoring runs, but the 4 was enough tonight. Eddie had one legitimate double and one which can be attributed to the Cardinals' poor night vision. If you look closely at both Duncan and Izturis' driver's licenses you will see in bold writing that they are not allowed to operate a vehicle after dusk much less try and field fly balls. The author missed seeing Skip Schumaker out there doing what he does. Maybe tomorrow. That's a nice start against a divisional opponent, keep it up tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Give Joe Buck the 'Throat Slit' Gesture From Me

A look at the standings indicates that the Cardinals may have made the right decision by finding teams to take some of the rotting corpses out of the lineup. Sure it’s not going to last but St. Louis has had a fun April. 16-10 (16-11 after today)? Not too bad LaRussa. Time to celebrate with 20 beers and a drive around town.

The Reds offense took advantage of some bad Giant pitching to put up a week’s worth of runs the last two days. I am under the assumption that the success will continue tonight with Todd Wellemeyer on the hill. Griffey and Grande Burro played Stratego in the dugout all day yesterday, so they should be sharp mentally and physically. And Arroyo had a nice short start last time on account of being awful, so he should be recharged, ready to throw a fastball over 85. That makes his assortment of salad much more effective. Here’s Redsbot 5000’s lineup:

1. Skip Schumaker LF – Skip is a family name and also a product of inbreeding

2. Rick Ankiel CR – sells his homemade lotions and balms from a kiosk outside Busch. May or may not feature HGH as the "secret" ingredient

3. Albert Pujols 1B – also known as the Southern Dandy

4. Ryan Ludwick RF – has Lyme disease

5. Troy Glaus 3B – served Baja food at his wedding, which is breaded and fried fish

6. Adam Kennedy 2B – misses David Eckstein because it means that he is now the worst player on the team

7. Yadier Molina C – will attempt to fight anyone who says that vertical blinds are better than horizontal

8. Todd Wellemeyer P – understands that by hitting 8th all he is guaranteed to accomplish is to get more at bats than a position player who is currently hitting over .300. He is very astute for a Cardinal

9. Brendan Ryan SS – lives with his grandmother, calls her Nana

Reds Can Beat Shitty Teams, Reds 10-1 over Giants

So, the Friday game may have been a bit discouraging, getting absolutely dominated by Jonathan Sanchez, but the last two made up for it. The Reds scored 10 in both though Sunday's may have been a little more relaxing for me to sit home and watch. Big Frucking Nasty has only shown an ability to record outs in games where the Reds are up 5 or more. That 4-run doesn't provide him ample room to do his big, ugly thing. A 6 run 2nd inning is how all games should begin or at least the next three with the Cards.

Sure the Giants offense is the worst in the league, but Volquez still went 7 and struck out 10. That's impressive even if Aaron Rowand is the most dangerous bat. Looks like Dusty's on to something sitting both Griffey and Dunn. That Hairston Jr., Patterson, Freel outfield is dangerous. And nice to see you again Brandon Phillips. Three hits in one game? Not too bad at all. Nice to see the home run lean again. Send me a post card from the arch.

This Team Doesn’t Need Barry Bonds After All

In what is kind of a funny road trip, the Reds fly west to play a few late games with the Giants then back to St. Louis and finally on to Atlanta for three with the Braves. San Francisco marks another stop on the Dusty Baker Oldies Revival Tour, though the homosexuals here may not treat him with the same level of disrespect he encountered from the homosexuals at Wrigley. He did take the Giants to a World Series, albeit concluded with a trademark Dusty meltdown but at least people got to show up at the park and yell obscenities at the opposition. Barry Bonds has even admitted that the team’s success can be completely attributed to Baker.

If you have to start a road trip anywhere, the team which resides in San Francisco is a nice place to start. Though they did just take a couple from the Padres, the San Diego offense, may, I stress this, may be worse than the one currently taking the field for the Reds. So, that is a bit of a misnomer. We can all just cool out, cooo-ooo-ool out, the Giants are a very poor baseball team and will lose all three games when they face the Reds. I’ll bet that thing on the side of the screen which shows a map and a score on it. That particular item cost the Reds Rocket several clams. Here’s Redsbot 5000’s game day lineup and trivia:

1. Fred Lewis LF – the currency used for payment of his salary is wool socks

2. Ray Durham 2B – can’t use the bathroom without first taking off his shirt

3. Randy Wynn RF – was named to an All-Star game once. Seriously

4. Bengie Molina C – volunteered to take a pay cut based upon his expected 2008 performance

5. Aaron Rowand CF – built this city on rock and roll

6. John Bowker 1B – who?

7. Brian Bocock SS – this name sounds made up

8. Rich Aurilia 3B – spokesman for www.isuckatbaseball.com, it doesn’t pay as well as you’d think

9. Jonathan Sanchez P – likes the progressive nature of the city of San Francisco, it’s really more of a European city, like Paris or Venice

Horry Kow! Reds Offense Can't Figure Jack Cassel, 'Stros 5-3

The homestand was somewhat less successful than expected, finishing 2-5 prior to their big trip out west. Today, Cueto continued to apply the strategy Dick Pole put into place last season never to retire Lance Berkman. He hit a first inning bomb and drove in the go-ahead run with a double. He just lost out on the holiday fruit basket the Reds Rocket sends to likeable opposition.

Turning to a less related subject, when I was listening to the silence of the Reds' offense on the radio today, one of the listeners in the 'Ask Marty' segment, asked which Red would be most likely to win the 4th of July hot dog eating contest. After some discussion, Marty and Cowboy decided that Javy Valentin would be the choice. What led up to the question was Marty's discussion earlier in the broadcast regarding the amount of chicken Cowboy eats at the pre-season Reds Roadshow, in his short-sleeved dress shirts, of course. Looks like I know where I'll be next March, eating fried chicken with a big, fat dumb shit. Who wants to join me? 'Whoo boy, I love fried chicken.'

Play better tomorrow team.

Astros Deep Fry Arroyo, Cover Him With Strawberries, 9-3 A-holes

Perhaps he was just too affected by the parting between Krivsky and the Reds, but Arroyo sure wasn't great tonight. He only lasted 3+ before he returned to the bench to stare at his towel and wonder who in the dugout has been touching the linen which has been specifically reserved for the use of Bronson Arroyo. Well, at least this difficult stretch will provide motivation for his next chili-themed LP.

Ragweed Ross returned from a rehab assignment and hit some ropes. Whooey, that boy can rake. He can goddamn rake! And Griffey briefly charged up the crowd with number 597, getting close. Then you will join a very prestigious club which unfortunately also has Sammy Sosa on the members list. Though they don't invite him to the potlucks. Must have gotten lost in the mail Sammy. You don't speak-a the English anyway, so even if it arrived it would your brain wouldn't know what to do with the characters.

The series wraps up tomorrow, how about we don't see Josh Fogg. Big Frucking Nasty mops up the wins.

Look At Those Assholes Flying Around In Space

In the first match-up between the two teams, you’ll notice that it is a slightly different Spaceman team this year. There is a Japanese man on second base (when you’re asking for his autograph, ask if he knows karate before I say anything derogatory), a liar/cheater at short, and a new guy in the bullpen blowing late leads. Hope you guys like losing to the Reds, because it’s going to be happening a lot. It's going to be like whichever Superman that was where the villains went to the moon and thumped those astronauts. I'm just too busy to trouble myself by looking things like that up. Finding pictures of South Korean spacepersons is very time consuming.

The nerds at Baseball Prospectus predict a poor season from Houston which should give the members of the team plenty of time to enjoy what the city annually named the fattest in the world has to offer. Give me something fried and covered in gravy, stat! Ignore that, cover it in gravy first, then fry it and top it with strawberries. Here’s Redsbot 5000’s game time lineup predictions:

1. Kaz Matsui 2B – can’t wait for Michael Bourne to get healthy so he can beat his ass

2. Darin Erstad CF – all major league announcers are contractually obligated to mention the fact that he was a punter at Nebraska

3. Miguel Tejada SS – his birth certificate also says that he is right handed and his favorite movie is Chinatown. Both contentions are, in fact, false

4. Lance Berkman 1B – coined the phrase “grab ‘em in the biscuits”

5. Carlos Lee LF – that shirt he’s wearing is made solely from his own hair, he wove it on the loom he keeps at his locker

6. Geoff Blum 3B – name is pronounced gee – off

7. Hunter Pence RF – his brother’s name is Gatherer

8. J.R. Towles C – travels with a suitcase full of a variety of different sausages

9. Chris Sampson P – his father, Ralph Sampson, owes $300,000 in back child support

Who Wants to Hire an Out of Work Genius?

Word has come down that Wayne Krivsky has been relieved of his duties as General Manager of the Cincinnati Reds. He will be replaced by Walt Jocketty, who was hired this offseason as some sort of Special Advisor to team president, Bob Castellini. Sadly, Wayne was only with the team for a little over two years but one look at his resume shows that his regime was responsible for much of the top-level talent currently on the Reds big league roster and contained within the minor league system.

Focusing on the salad days of Krivsky, prior to the 2006 season, he made three key acquisitions which continue to pay dividends in 2008:

1) Catcher David Ross was acquired from San Diego in exchange for minor league pitcher Bobby Basham. In his first season with the Reds, Ross hit .255/.353/.579 with 21 bombs in 90 games. Last season, he was kicked by a mule and forgot how to use a bat. This season he’s in AAA but kickin’ ass in AAA. Nice job Wayne.
2) Right-handed starter Bronson Arroyo was acquired from the Red Sox for outfielder Wily Mo Pena. Arroyo is currently winless but does sing and write his own music. Most songs in his catalog are chili-themed, typically the subject matter includes making and/or selling chili at a nice profit or how much Arroyo enjoys eating the chili once it has been prepared.
3) Second baseman Brandon Phillips was acquired from the Indians in exchange for minor league right-handed pitcher Jeff Stevens and a check for $50. Phillips is owed some sincere praise after becoming the first Reds’ second baseman to hit 30 home runs and steal 30 bases in the same season or as he put it, “B. Phill came to get his rocks on and eat popcorn.” He already said that Krivsky can stay at his house until he gets back on his feet.

Those three are just the starting point. Krivsky was the man responsible for getting Eddie Guardado, Jorge Cantu, Kirk Saarloos and Juan Castro into Reds uniforms. Not to mention the Kearns and Lopez trade which brought in pitcher Daryl Thompson who is having a very nice season at AA. If you ask him, Krivsky’ll tell you Thompson was who he was after the whole time. You can forget about Majewski.

Apparently, new GM Jocketty spent some time with another National League Central team where he enjoyed some modest success (but only from 1994-2007). He was fired this offseason so that the team could focus on losing for the next decade or so. Prior to his tenure with the Reds, he developed a reputation as a keen evaluator of major league talent and a man passionate about fresh fruit and vegetables. The latter is something of high import to Team President/Fruit and Vegetable magnate Castillini. Jocketty uses his Juice Tiger each morning. I think you'll find that carrot juice is surprisingly sweet.

Whether you hated Krivsky all the time or just most of the time, you do have to admit that roughly 1/10 of his trades worked in the favor of the Reds. That’s something that, I personally, am really going to miss. On a more positive note, the firing gives Krivsky time to focus on his many other endeavors, for example he enjoys gardening. He also lists plotting the death of Washington Nationals’ general manager Jim Bowden as one of the things that he likes to do with his spare time. The current plan is to break into Bowden’s home and strangle him in front of his children, but Krivsky knows he can do better and now he finally has the time.

Volquez Be Dealin', Reds 9-1

I was mistaken the other day when I assumed the Dodgers were in town for three. I agree with Dusty in that a two-game set does not provide Steve Lyons with enough time to acclimate himself with his surroundings so he can start sexually harrassing the locals. And for Reds fans, it's not enough time to administer a proper beating. The win today was nice, but the one which would have clinched the series tomorrow would have been too sweet.

Volquez picked up his third win of the year and was outstanding. He didn't have the control problems we have seen on other occasions, so he was able to go a season high 7 innings. The Dodger offense returned to normal, picking up only five hits and that's with Affeldt and Big Frucking Nasty mopping up. I can't say that I have a problem with Nomar in the three hole. Torre truly is a genius. And looks like Jerry Hairston at the top of the order is proving to be an early success, though there was little doubt. But what about Corey Patterson, you ask? Where are his at bats going to come from now that the Reds have seven outfielders on the roster? Oh, Dusty will make sure Corey gets back in the lineup. Just look at that triple tonight during garbage time. Assholes are in town tomorrow, the winning streak continues. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Worry Not, Help Is On the Way. Dodgers 9-3

Over the past week or so, Belisle got to know and like Louisville. The people are polite and the expectations placed upon a borderline professional talent are substantially lower than those in Cincinnati. So, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that he's anxious to get back there. And after tonight, he will likely get his wish. Good for you, Matt. See you in September.

Encarnacion and Votto went deep but that about covers all the offense, unless you're a fan of the Reds hitting into double plays, there were three of those. Not too bad. Also, Josh Fogg made his first appearance out of the bullpen but rather than focus on the specifics of his outing, let's that remember he's a sharp dresser and a pleasure to be around.

Now onto the big news, as I'm sure many of you have already learned Jerry Hairston Jr. and his fabulous bat were added to the major league roster today. That means that old friend Juan Castro was designated for assignment, which is sad but is nature. His bat was simply too weak to compete with the stronger species. As I stated previously, Hairston has the ability to suck a 7 different positions which should be of great comfort to Dusty. So, tomorrow, as you can see, is another day. There is a Hairston on the roster and the Reds play will greatly improve.

Cue Randy Newman Penned Love Song About Fernando Valenzuela

After that rejuvinating win over the Brewers yesterday, the Dodgers visit to help the Reds extend their winning streak to 4 games. Fresh off getting swept in Atlanta, Joe Torre has the boys from L.A. playing some great baseball. They’ve fallen to 7-11 (which is well behind the Reds), last in the West. That’s right, behind the Giants where they will stay for the remainder of the season. Or maybe not, divisions other than the Central are of little concern.

The Dodgers are one of my favorite teams to root against, they’ve got some liars, some old guys who can't play anymore but are still ardently defended, and a bunch of kids who wear their hats tilted slightly to one side or the other. Even the bench has some fun players, for example notable shithead, Juan Pierre (if you lucky, you may get to see him pop up to short). Delwyn Young? Isn’t he the future star who was traded to the Twins this offseason? No, it’s his brother with the similar sounding name but remarkably distinct skill set. And who is that in a mop-up roll in the bullpen? None other than Chan Ho Park. He’s already made 5 appearances this season. I thought he was installing rearview mirrors in the Hyundai plant.

So, should be a good series for Reds fans. No reason B-Lizzle doesn’t win back some fans in his first start tonight. Here’s Redsbot 5000’s predicted Dodgers lineup:

1. Rafael Furcal SS – recently recorded an infomercial touting the health benefits of the ‘Rafael Furcal All Burrito Diet.’ I’m in the best shape of my life and it’s thanks to my friends contained within this very tortilla.

2. Andre Ethier LF – Vin Scully likes to tell a story about him, a school of fish and a single-engine airplane. I wouldn’t do it justice.

3. Matt Kemp RF – uses his perfectly aligned teeth to hypnotize women at the bar to buy him killer appetizers

4. Jeff Kent 2B – makin’ haste ain’t his cup of meat

5. James Loney 1B – is terrible at keeping secrets, teammates are beginning to resent him. Especially Juan Pierre who told him about that transvestite in confidence.

6. Russell Martin C – can chew gum while playing defense. He is the only one on the roster who can do so.

7. Andruw Jones CF – has earned $1,636,323 so far this year. Enjoy fans!

8. Nomar Garciaparra 3B – known locally as Mia Hamm’s husband who used to play baseball

9. Brad Penny P – his AOL instant message user name is #31zCuppinB@lls

The Reds are Big Weiners, 4-3 in 10

The author was on vacation to attend a, disappointingly non-Reds-themed, wedding, so that is my explanation for providing no comment regarding the Reds' high level of play prior to today's win over the Brewers. So, we'll just ignore the games that led up to today, which may or may not have featured Jeff Suppan dominating the Reds' offense for nearly 7 innings.

The offense was not terrific today, with the exception of the inning where they got to hit against the Ghost of Eric Gagne's glasses and Solomon Torres who is simply too old to record outs. He has arthritis in the knees and a bad case of the gout. Though, saying that you were dominated by Gallardo in his first start of the season isn't quite as embarrassing as say, Suppan or Paul Maholm.

Eddie kept things interesting with a error in the top of the 10th on a play that a primate in the bottom tier, intelligence-wise, fields cleanly but made up for it with his second bomb of the day off the aforementioned Gagne. Then the man named Gabor showed some of that power that we all expected to see when Dusty invited him to the party. That gives him two in the past three seasons. And Corey Patterson kept up the good work at the top of the order, that's 1 for his last 25 for those of you keeping track. I'm not one of them, I know things will pick up for the guy.

Sad news about Weathers hitting the DL. According to the Reds official site, he has a burning sensation which can't be cured by a penicillin injection by the training staff. But with the injury we get to see the versatility of Josh Fogg. He's moving to the pen to provide some 13 runs per 9 innings of relief. Also, we see the return of Matt B-Lizzle. Up from Louisville where he has been surprisingly dominant, he's ready to try the starter's gig again. He gets the Dodgers and their fancy trolley cars tomorrow. Nice win today boys, kick LA while they're down tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Tom Arnold Gets the Start for the Cubs, Reds 9-2

The Reds put together a bunch better set of innings today, taking the final game of the three from the garbage eating bears. They've been hanging around for a while and the author believes that they are becoming a potential hazard and need to be put down.

Hidden under Cueto's early season is what Volquez has been able to put together in his first three starts. He gave up 1 run (on the bases loaded walk to the very dangerous Ted Lilly, you don't want to take any chances) over 5 and his ERA increased to 1.17. And look at the offense, pouring it on when the game was already out of reach. They are likely exhausted from all that bat swinging, so don't be surprised if they take 'er easy against old Ben Sheets tomorrow back at home. Two days in a row just ain't gonna work.

Votto has been on a tear. I watched the replay of his home run 4 times on the MLB internet site just to hear Len Kasper's heart break. Well, at least he probably got to hang out with Tom Arnold after the game. Maybe Chris Rose would be there too. I think those two, Kasper and Rose, would have a lot to talk about. I'd ask them about the post game donnybrook between Ted Lilly and Pinella in the locker room. For having the last name of a delicate flower, Lilly sure likes to scrap. Nice win today assholes, let's remember this feeling. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Fogg....Ineffective?

Coming as a surprise to everyone, Josh Fogg was unable to put an end to the four-game losing streak. He put in his 2+, then hit the showers. Look out Wrigleyville, there's a Fogg on the prowl.

The offense continued their furious pace, putting up three runs. Zambrano looked as good as he is loco. One run did come via an Adam Dunn home run, which leaves some room for optimism. Votto had two doubles and has his average up to .333. Corey Patterson continues to haunt his former team, he's up to 0 for 8 for the series. He did draw a walk and yesterday he laid down a sacrifice. Looks like there may be some promise there after all. Tomorrow, Volquez makes his third start in a little afternoon baseball. That should turn things around.

Reds Play Gives Fans Tuberculosis, Cubs 9-5

The author was very displeased with the performances this evening. A loss by Harang and a win for Dempster is about the least attractive outcome I can envision. Throw in a home run by Mark DeRosa and now you've got a debilitating disease. Cover your mouth when you cough, it's contagious.

Griffey did hit a bomb, which is nice to see. It almost looks like he's trying out there. And Keppinger picked up a couple more knocks but another very quiet night for the offense. It's building up to something big, I can feel it. But in the interim all these losses to despicable opposition put a bit of a damper on the early season.

Josh Fogg, the stopper, hits the hill tomorrow. So, we can all relax knowing that even if the offense remains disinterested, they won't need more than a couple of runs. The experts predict Big Z murders Reed Johnson by the 5th. Odds are on strangulation followed by multiple stab wounds with a home made knife. I'm putting my money on "cause of death by gripping the ears and removing the head from the body with a swift, upward jerking motion."

Hey, Who Hates the Cubs?

The answer, of course, is everyone except for Bill Murray and old ladies. Tonight marks the first of about 45 meetings between the teams this season and to the best of my recollection, the Reds are fresh off taking 2 out of 3 from the Brewers in Milwaukee. That should provide plenty of momentum to come into Wrigley and induce some very masculine tears from the eyes of the locals ("I just love this team so much"). Harang versus Dempster tonight. The author has made it very clear that the Reds Rocket does not support Ryan Dempster on the field or man about town. A very severe beating should be in order. Pick it up!

And then of course, we have the return of Dusty to Chicago. Cubs fans still love the big guy. Hell, they wouldn’t have been able to save all that money on Mark Prior’s shredded arm and wouldn’t have Kerry Wood attempting to close games (on a very limited pitch count) if it wasn’t for Baker. He brought Neifi Perez and Tom Goodwin to town. That is how you sell tickets and it’s something that Cubs supporters will always remember. That and probably all the losses. The author is looking forward to what is sure to be a very warm pre-game reception.

1. Alfonso Soriano LF – has a signed picture of Dolph Lundgren in his locker. The fact that Dolph has his shirt off does not make Soriano less of a man

2. Reed Johnson CF – would be interested in going half on a bag of dank

3. Derrek Lee 1B – surgically repaired his own wrist

4. Aramis Ramirez 3B – wonders why Soriano didn’t tell him about the good ass cheese in the west conference room

5. Kosuke Fukudome RF – has been using his Japanese investigative skills to uncover who urinated in the bathroom garbage can

6. Geovany Soto C – attended Bovine University

7. Mark DeRosa 2B – believes that if you can only see one movie this year, that movie should be Cop and a Half

8. Ryan Theriot SS – not a shortstop by trade but a dancer

9. Ryan Dempster P – his children hate him as much as you do

Juan Castro Asked To Step Down From Interim Hitting Coach Position, Pirates 9-1

Some may be disappointed with the weekend sweep at the hands of the Pirates. Cueto got beat up today, even allowed a home run to Xavier Nady. The offense was horrible the entire weekend utilizing Castro's technique, to put the ball in play, weakly, roughly one half of the time. But the author remains optimistic because three with the Cubs starting Tuesday. Ryan Dempster's even in the rotation this year. He will be repaid for shanghaing the Reds at the trading deadline a few years back. The author is confident that the offense outside of Paul Bako will remember how to hit in the near future.

First 10,000 Fans Get Cakes With Your Likeness in the Frosting

The Reds continue their roadshow tonight in Pittsburgh where they'll have three games with One-eyed Blue/Black/Redbeards. The series in Milwaukee was a nice introduction to what they're going to do to the Pirates. Dusty has proclaimed that the beatings will be savage and merciless. "The Reds be goin' crackers" he was quoted as saying last night. Sorry Pittsburgh, but those are the breaks when management continually runs a substandard baseball team out there. So, prepare the pot of steaming rum here's Redsbot 5000's preview of the Pirate starting lineup:

1. Nate McLouth CF - borderline retarded, his cleats have velcro fasterers

2. Freddy Sanchez 2B - in an attempt to diversify his wealth, opened the establishment "Freddy's Tuna Melts and Tax Preparation." It's doing quite well.

3. Jason Bay LF - attended Gonzaga University, he quietly weeps in the 8th inning of each game that Pittsburgh is behind

4. Adam LaRoche 1B - is hosting a weekend symposium on compassion

5. Xavier Nady RF - lives in a dumpster outside PNC Park. Teaches kids about numbers and how not to grow up to be like Xavier Nady.

6. Ryan Doumit C - Reds players can thank him for the bidet in the visitor's locker room

7. Jose Bautista 3B - his sirname translates to "fudge pocket"

8. Brian Bixler SS - flew to San Fransisco and tried to put out the Olympic Torch. Once he failed he settled for a vegan quesadilla

9. Paul Maholm P - I think the roster meant to say "Pat Mahomes"

Reds Follow Brewers Around Making Fun of their Haircut, 4-1

The author mistakenly named Volquez as the starter for today's game. I created a very powerful enemy last night. Looks like I'll have to start writing posts first thing in the morning, when I'm fresh and the posts aren't merely long, boring recaps of the prior night's action, riddled with factual errors. We'll stick to the long, boring recaps riddled with bad jokes.

The top five in the order went 1 for 20 but fortunately Encarnacion, as he does every day off, ate three meals at KFC, so he was refreshed, and Paul Bako remains the super-secret weapon. Not that Harang needed any help from the jokers. He went 8 and allowed just the one run on 5 hits. Suprisingly, that was enough to beat Carlos Villanueva. Nice series victory with the Pirates tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Close Bar Early, Eat all the Sausages, 12-4

Josh Fogg must have been lifting some arm weights before the game today because he sure made the Brewers look bad. Made them look as bad as him team photo. Freel filled in for Encarnacion and made his mandatory error over at third and Phillips let a ball roll through his legs which gave Milwaukee a short lead, but other than that, pretty good game for the Redlegs.

It's getting to the point where I am going to have to consider offering some sincere praise for Corey Patterson. Not yet, but look at that average. And four bombs from the leadoff spot? Tonight, rather than just rely on Patterson to provide the offense, the rest of the team thought they'd get some hits as well. Freel, Griffey and Phillips picked up two each and the Donkeysaurus hit his first bomb of the year. That means he gets a full trough of millet. Dusty knows how to motivate. Volquez brings home the series tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Drop-Kick Their Jacket As They Came Through the Door, Brewers 3-2

The second start of Pigpen Cueto's career resulted in a no-decision after Big Time Corey Patterson tied the game with a bomb in the 9th. Gagne loves blowing saves almost as much as buying Human Growth Hormone from AIDS patients. Hey-o! Seriously, he likes doing both quite a bit.

Cueto was great again, striking out 8 over 6 and 1/3. Sure he gave up a homer to Bill Hall (after possibly a questionable move leaving him in the game for the 7th - but this site is currently being supportive of management, so we'll defer to his batting gloves) but those 2 hits allowed to Jason Kendall (he picked up another in the 10th off Skyline Weathers) are what will really drive you crazy. Kendall is the guy who bats behind the pitcher in the Brewers' lineup. Looks like head strategist Yost is really on to something.

As the title states, the offense was awful tonight. Griffey picked up three hits but wasn't exactly tearing the cover off the ball, if you know what I mean. If you don't, that's a baseball cliche meaning the balls in play were not particularly sharply hit. The balls are rarely torn from their cover regardless of how well a ball is hit. It's just an expression. I'll have Corey Patterson explain it, he does so much more succienctly. Encarnacion's average is down to .083, looks like it's time to replace another part of his brain. Maybe with some sort of primate this time. Regardless, the Foggster rights the ship tomorrow. Count on it.

Bring Me Back a Cheese Head

The Reds begin their first road trip of the season today in Milwaukee. The Brewers feel pretty good about themselves after beating the shit out of the Giants last weekend. But as everyone else knows, that's just like punching a 7-year-old in the face. How can you feel good about yourself when a Molina is hitting clean-up?

The author heard a pre-season radio interview with the great Tim McCarver and he listed the Brewers as his pick to win not only the National League Pennant, but the world title. He backed up his statement by raising his voice and then telling a story about Bob Uecker. Since there is no way to explain his celebrity without assuming him to be the mortal incarnation of Satan, I'm going to take him at his word. He also said that swinging the bat is the best way to hit a home run. Makes sense to me.

The Reds' offense will miss Sheets this time around and by next trip he should be good and injured. This time around they face the quality arms of Suppan, Dave Bush, and Carlos Villanueva. Johnny Cueto farts in their general direction. As always, here's Redsbot 5000's predicted Brewers lineup for tonight:

1. Rickie Weeks 2B - owns a gas station outside of Little Rock, AR

2. Gabe Gross CF - writes teenage crime novels under the pseudonym Shirley Pfouffer

3. Prince Fielder 1B - has conclusively proved his hypothesis that a vegetarian can still be a fat ass

4. Ryan Braun LF - uses a litterbox, but is housetrained

5. Bill Hall 3B - tried to flush an alligator down the toilet but it got stuck and now he has to feed it

6. Corey Hart RF - hates Rick Springfield

7. J.J. Hardy SS - uses his prehensile to hang from trees so he can reach the most delicious bananas

8. Jason Kendall C - this offseason, attended the Debutante Ball with that rich, young Dugum from Macon

9. Jeff Suppan P - wears a tuxedo under his uniform during games that he starts

This Is Not Over, Phillies 5-3

Reds had a chance to take the series today, but decided against it. That's okay, it's a long season and the umpires didn't have time for late inning walks, they had to meet with their accountants. Javy keeps his finances in very strict order and often forgets to the pitfalls of procrastination. Regardless, even with Juan Castro in the two hole, I'm not sure how you expect to win without Corey Patterson in center. That guy can rake.

Bronson wants the filth off the streets. If the police can't do it, he will... his way! Apparently, his way is to allow as many home runs as possible. Mission accomplished. Jimmy Rollins (J-Roll to friends, like me and Dr. Tiffee) to lead off the game, then 2 for Pat the Bat, and finally Geoff Jenkins first of the year. All in just over 5 innings. Not too bad. But look at that bullpen, no runs allowed? Who are you guys? Looks like they did do something this offseason other than punch one another in the throwing shoulder.

Team hits the road tomorrow, beginning in Milwaukee and including stops in Pittsburgh and Chicago. The author wishes them well but knows they don't need it. See you after 9 more wins.

Hey Friend, Get Your Edinson Volquez Commemorative Athletic Supporter Here, Reds 8-2

Despite being placed behind Josh Fogg in the rotation rankings, Edinson Volquez pitched a very nice ball game today in shutting down the Phills. He was ready, he'd been drinking green tea all week. Now, if he could just get addicted to something so that the media will tune in, the Reds would have something. How about Nasonex? Junior went deep for the first time this year and Jeff Keppinger continued the high quality play that we've come to associate with Jeff Keppinger. That's all the offense you need.

Fogg was less effective Friday, but that's expected. He was worried about whether his neighbors were going to remember to feed his cats, Pickles and Mitt-mitt. He'd been unable to get ahold of anyone since Wednesday. But he's switched to a new medicated shampoo, his scalp has never felt cleaner, and big things are still expected from the number four starter. The author is already looking forward to his next turn on the hill.

And yesterday, though losing wins late gives Harang the bloodlust, how about Corey Patterson and old Paul Bako? I'm nearly ready to admit that Patterson is not a horrible baseball player. Nearly ready. I'll need a few more walk-stolen base-sac fly runs to start the game. Late inning home runs also help. Congratulations on that first Reds win Coco. Take the series tomorrow team. Reds! Reds! Reds!

It's Not Over, Just Give Me Something To Drink

After receiving the ass end of an ass kicking, the Snakes packed up their belongings and slunk out of town, happy to get out of Cincinnati with one win and Johnny Cueto’s autograph. The Phyllis Dillers stumbled into town last night, still loose after the big win over the Nationals. Nothing better than a win by walk, especially after you drop the first two games of the season to the Nats. Shit, you don’t need to make excuses, I know Tim Redding dominates.

Josh Foggorinno takes the ball tonight for the first time as a Red. The author is pretty sure I heard hoopla in reaction. And tomorrow, in what has become an annual tradition, Harang dons the camouflage, tracks, then kills the Phillie Phanatic at the Great American Ballpark. He got his license and tags last weekend, so it’s good and legal. Remember, kids get half off at the gate to watch the pregame kill. Harry Kalas is going to do the play by play. And Sunday Volquez gets his first opportunity. Remember, the name is Edinson with 2 ‘n’s. It rolls right off the tongue. It is all shaping up to be a very enjoyable weekend series. Catch the excitement!

1. Jimmy Rollins SS – dances as good as he walks, just check out his new dance, it’s called the Tighten’ Up.

2. Shane Victorino CF – has no tolerance, gang, for people who commit arson

3. Chase Utley 2B – his principal, Mrs. Teasley, caught him intoxicated at his senior prom. He wouldn’t have graduated had his classmates not organized a demonstration for his benefit at the school district headquarters.

4. Ryan Howard 1B – nicknamed Bull Cow

5. Pat Burrell LF – in the offseason, plays in an all tuba band. He handles the second lead in the “Free Bird” solo.

6. Geoff Jenkins RF – health has improved to the point where he is now permitted to participate in: social dancing, light carpentry, walking 2.5 miles per hour, shoveling light earth

7. Pedro Feliz 3B – when something exciting happens, it’s his job to hold everyone back on the bench. Let’s stay composed here guys.

8. Carlos Ruiz C – can’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth

9. Kyle Kendrick P – humps the team ottoman prior to every start

My Wish For The New Millennium is That We See a Lot More of Johnny Cueto, Reds 3-2

The author's local MLB television package didn't carry the Thom/Cowboy combination so we missed out on whatever enlightening coverage they would have provided. And it would have been great as Cueto made his debut and was simply stunning. A true class act. As Reds pitching prospects go, he's the one with the darker complexion who doesn't have "uncoachable" attached to his name, in case there's confusion.

Johnny overpowered the, well mostly incompetent, Arizona offense and picked up his first win as a major league player. Now is the window everybody is looking for to add him to your fantasy team. That way you can tell people at the All Star Break all about it and they will be very impressed. "I'd say the key to my team was the acquisition of Cueto back in April. I like to think I have a pretty keen eye for talent evaluation." 10 K's over 7 innings of 1-hit ball, can't say enough about that. He was filthy. How about Pig Pen for a nickname? Try it out you blockheads.

After Cueto headed off to take hot bath, Dusty opted to go with new setup man Skyline Weathers, who was less effective. Weathers how many more years you goin' to dog me 'round? He walked the bases loaded, then retired to beat the shit out of the locker room. But Dusty turned to the always reliable Mike Lincoln to make his first appearance in three years with the bases loaded and a 2-run lead in the 8th. Turns out he truly is a gentleman as the scouting report stated. After allowing a run to score on a sac fly, he struck out Chris Young for the fourth time (who wants to see me urinate on this fire?) and the Reds were out of the inning. Cordero, or Coco as he apparently prefers to be called, picked up his first save with an easy ninth. This was a nice enough day that the author will overlook some potential trouble spots with Dusty's choice of lineup. And hey Jeff Keppinger, keep up the good work. Nice socks. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Eddie Likes to Rock the Party, Reds 6-5

Whoo boy, what a game. Cowboy Jeff Brantley up here in the box. Belt high and goodbye, that's what I like to say. Boy do I love me some Edwin Encarnacion. No way I'd call out my employer's starting third baseman after 6 at bats into the season. No way. You're clutch! You're a goddamned clutch player and that's why he's out there. Whoo boy, nice win boys. Eddie can I buy you a steak dinner? Come on, I didn't mean all that stuff about Freel starting tomorrow, I know there's a lefty out there. It was taken out of context. I was just emotional. Belt high and goodbye! See I'm still your pal.

Sure he made another error, aiming his throw home over at Dusty, and Bruce Villanch probably had a better chance of laying down that 9th inning bunt but someday, with a little work, Encarnacion could become Joe Randa [except with talent to get more than Justin Germano and Travis Chick, (who of course turned into Everyday Eddie) at the trade deadline] and win opening day games in the last at bat rather than the 2nd game of the season. But he's got time. And for today, the author is quite pleased.

Arroyo, with the exception of the Stephen Drew homer, which is like a punch in the guy, pitched well enough; Big Frucking Nasty reminded us that its the regular season by getting roughly 1/2 of the hitters he faced out (see you in Louisville this May!); and Affeldt pitched like he's never tasted fresh pineapple, which is something everyone needs to do before they die. But whoa Nelly let me tell you 'bout Kent Mercker. He parked his Winnebago outside the bullpen and tossed up some tasty 40 year old salad. The offense, led by the interpid Corey Patterson and Keppinger rolling singles up the middle, looked respectable out there tonight. Sure Griffey's bat has early season pleurisy and Donk only singled by outsmarting the slow witted Snakes, but it'll come around. And Paul Bako, we'll ignore the 0 for 3 in exchange for a pick off any day, or some days anyway. Not any day, sometime you'll have to warm up that bat of yours and power one past the pitcher. Nice first win of the season over quality opposition. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Mike Lincoln, How the Hell Are Ya'

The author owes Lincoln an apology for his omission from the team previews. I shouldn't have assumed that just because you took three years off to work as a shepherd you don't belong in a big league bullpen. I've got to admit, those personal highlights from 2004 look pretty, pretty good. And while you may not be listed in the current edition of Baseball Prospectus, the author did find this scouting write-up: "Mike Lincoln is well-mannered and speaks with a vocabulary very becoming of a young gentleman."

So, it looks like the Reds Rocket has learned a valuable lesson about overlooking guys, even if I wondered all spring how they may have gotten an invitation to camp in the first place. I wish you great success and look forward to the human interest stories about your arm.

Of course, as with all relievers who haven't pitched in the majors for a year and a half or more, your probationary period nickname will be "Dog Shit". We'll reconsider at your quarterly review.