Friday, April 4, 2008

It's Not Over, Just Give Me Something To Drink

After receiving the ass end of an ass kicking, the Snakes packed up their belongings and slunk out of town, happy to get out of Cincinnati with one win and Johnny Cueto’s autograph. The Phyllis Dillers stumbled into town last night, still loose after the big win over the Nationals. Nothing better than a win by walk, especially after you drop the first two games of the season to the Nats. Shit, you don’t need to make excuses, I know Tim Redding dominates.

Josh Foggorinno takes the ball tonight for the first time as a Red. The author is pretty sure I heard hoopla in reaction. And tomorrow, in what has become an annual tradition, Harang dons the camouflage, tracks, then kills the Phillie Phanatic at the Great American Ballpark. He got his license and tags last weekend, so it’s good and legal. Remember, kids get half off at the gate to watch the pregame kill. Harry Kalas is going to do the play by play. And Sunday Volquez gets his first opportunity. Remember, the name is Edinson with 2 ‘n’s. It rolls right off the tongue. It is all shaping up to be a very enjoyable weekend series. Catch the excitement!

1. Jimmy Rollins SS – dances as good as he walks, just check out his new dance, it’s called the Tighten’ Up.

2. Shane Victorino CF – has no tolerance, gang, for people who commit arson

3. Chase Utley 2B – his principal, Mrs. Teasley, caught him intoxicated at his senior prom. He wouldn’t have graduated had his classmates not organized a demonstration for his benefit at the school district headquarters.

4. Ryan Howard 1B – nicknamed Bull Cow

5. Pat Burrell LF – in the offseason, plays in an all tuba band. He handles the second lead in the “Free Bird” solo.

6. Geoff Jenkins RF – health has improved to the point where he is now permitted to participate in: social dancing, light carpentry, walking 2.5 miles per hour, shoveling light earth

7. Pedro Feliz 3B – when something exciting happens, it’s his job to hold everyone back on the bench. Let’s stay composed here guys.

8. Carlos Ruiz C – can’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth

9. Kyle Kendrick P – humps the team ottoman prior to every start

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