Sunday, July 29, 2007

Reds Trade Adam Dunn For the Rights to Christy Mathewson's Corpse

With the trade deadline looming and the Reds' chances of making the playoffs markedly less then previously predicted, the author fondly remembers the trades and waiver acquisitions of previous deadlines. Wait the Orioles are willing to give up Juan Guzman and all they ask in return is B.J. Ryan? Shit yeah, pull the trigger. That jeri curl's going to be dripping all over that 1999 custom Reds World Series jersey. Should they be moved, Adam Dunn, Jeff Conine, Scott Hatteberg, David Weathers, [hopefully pile of trash, I mean very effective late inning reliever] Mike Stanton, Kyle Lohse, and perhaps even Griffey, should hope to be included in such a transaction. Welcome over-valued middle relievers.

Due to the author's lack of both the time and mental capacity, the list will only go back five years or so. With the exception of last season and 2002, the Reds were always in the business of selling. So, let's take a look:

July 11: Traded Juan Encarnacion, Wilton Guerrero, Ryan Snare to Marlins for Ryan Dempster.
August 14: Traded Pedro Feliciano, Elvin Andujar, Raul Gonzalez and Brady Clark to the New York Mets for Shawn Estes and cash.
Conclusion: Reds finish six games under and 19 games behind the Cardinals. Dempster was god awful but the author once saw a fan wearing a shirt which said "I [heart sign] Estes' Testes," which makes it all worth it.

July 30: Traded Jose Guillen for Aaron Harang, Joe Valentine, Jeff Bruksch
July 30: Traded Scott Williamson to the Boston Red Sox for Phil Dumatrait and Tyler Pelland.
July 31: Traded Aaron Boone to New York for Brandon Claussen, Charlie Manning, and cash
August 21: Traded Scott Sullivan to the Chicago White Sox for Tim Hummel and cash.
Conclusion: Dumatrait and Pelland are in AAA and Harang has been choking the opposition into submission for three seasons but the rest of the "propects" give the author pains in my brain which makes it hard to live.

July 30: Traded Todd Jones and Brad Correll to the Philadelphia Phillies for Josh Hancock and Andy Machado.
August 9: Traded Cory Lidle to the Philadelphia Phillies for Javon Moran, Joe Wilson and Elizardo Ramirez.
Conclusion: With the exception of Hancock eating himself out of town, Ramirez's 4-9 record with a 5.37 ERA last season remains the most notable accomplishment

July 23: Traded Joe Randa to the San Diego Padres for Justin Germano and Travis Chick.
Conclusion: both players were traded last season and have the opportunity to become very Joe Randa-esque.

July 6: Traded Travis Chick to Seattle Mariners for Eddie Guardado.
July 13: Traded Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Ryan Wagner to the Washington Nationals for Gary Majewski, Royce Clayton, Bill Bray, Brendan Harris, and Daryl Thompson.
July 31: Traded Justin Germano to the Philadelphia Phillies for Rheal Cormier.
July 31: Traded Zach Ward to the Minnesota Twins for Kyle Lohse.
August 7: Traded Zac Stott to the Philadelphia Phillies for Ryan Franklin and cash.
Conclusion: Daryl Thompson had better be star

The enjoyable part of the trade deadline is that you never know who's going to become the next Brad Correll or Joe Valentine. It's not every day that you trade for a guy who loses a testical in the garbage disposal, or whatever it is Valentine is known for other than being shitty. And with Wayne Krivsky manning the helm, I'm really, pretty certain that none of the acquisitions will be as bad as the ones last season. I have read upwards of 45 updates regarding Eddie Guardado's return from rotator cuff surgery. That's something you don't anticipate when your team acquires an aging reliever. Which, if you were wondering, he appears to have suffered another setback in his rehab. Keep him in your prayers. And Krivsky, don't forget to take your brain medicine.

*The picture above is of course Guzman, post-Soul Glow, for whom the Reds traded Jacobo Sequea and B.J. Ryan to further their 1999 stretch run. They lost in a one game playoff to the Mets.


Brendan said...

This post is hysterical. Well done.

Brendan said...

Kind of chilling to see that 2004 trading season. Both Cory Lidle and Josh Hancock involved, and less than three years later both are dead. Although that does mean that Elizardo Ramirez is one step closer to the Hellfish Bonanza.

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