Hey, Isn't That Ricky Stone

As many of us remember, Ricky Stone was once a certified bullpen cancer. In 2005, fresh off the waiver wire, Ricky weaved some 6.75 ERA, 48 hits, over 30.2 innings, magic here in Cincinnati which prompted him to retire. He hung some dry wall, backpacked around Europe, went on tour with Widespread Panic, but most importantly, did a lot of growing up. So, he's back as a new man who's going to let his 89-mph fastball do the talking for him. People don't seem to be embracing his return from exile as they are other members of the team. And the author feels compelled to take the same approach. We here at the Reds Rocket have already been burned by you fast talking relievers who have promised outs but at the end of the day, you know what? We're eating at Skipper's by ourselves following a 6-5 loss to the Nationals. So, Ricky you know the drill, let's get some outs or you'll be back with your family again and that's the last place anyone wants to be. Welcome back to Cincinnati.

*Update: Home runs to Ryan Ludwick are not a way to make friends

L-L-L-L-L-Lohse, Reds 5-1

Nice all around ballgame from the Redlegs tonight. Lohse was impressive for 7 [and one Pujols] and Daggum Ross hit one all the way to them there mountains. You see 'em, way off in the distance? Defies the laws of physics or some shit. Then Wainwright presented Cincinnati with a pretty nice meltdown. He should consider going back to that beard he had last post season, if he wants to win, which he may not. The Reds don't need his help anyway, Narron has everything under control. Look, Lohse and Arroyo both have their ERAs under 5.00. The author thinks the club has matured since last night and are ready to contend.

Tomorrow it's the Homer Bailey Project, phase five versus newcomer Mike Maroth. Maroth makes Anthony Young look like a winner, you know, with all the losses he had back when the Tigers were terrible. Young at least spread them out over a couple of seasons. Reds! Reds! Reds!

*That's Lohse and a moustacheless Dan Gladden pictured above. Tom Brunansky, who took the photo, told them to look as uncomfortable as possible.

Nice To See You Bronson, Reds Still Lose 4-2

While the 50 loss plateau doesn't have the same appeal as say, 50 wins or even 30 wins, the Reds are the very first team this year to get there. So, the author thinks congratulations are in order. Maybe instead of champagne they could spray each other with Steel Reserve ["The Triple Export Malt Liquor"]. Narron could wear some oversized sunglasses and maybe his hat sideways. That would be a night to remember.

Arroyo looked good tonight. Only the one run allowed over 7 inning before we were reminded why this team is so inferiorating. McBeth, Coutlangus, and Salmon gave the Cardinals just what they were looking for, a bunch of singles. And the offense wasn't able to rebound, used all that up in front of the Philadelphia crowd. But before that, Hambone's bomb was pretty sweet. Well, maybe tomorrow team. Karl Lohse is on the mound preaching the gospel of a small goatee. That's something to look forward to. See you tomorrow fans.

Reds Blow Lead Remain Optimistic, 8-7 Phills

The offense upheld their end of the bargain tonight, but B-Liz was pretty not good and McBeth gave up a big hit to Jimmy in the 8th. Jimmy holds grudges. B-Liz felt bad being left out of the over 5.00 ERA, so he made some changes to his approach and there you go, 5.03. That makes 4 out of 5 starters over 5.00, the author cannot understand how this team doesn't have a better record. Harang has some work to do if he wants to stay in this rotation. But the team is back home tomorrow after a productive trip on the road. Three wins you say? Got the Cardinals tomorrow followed by the Giants next week. There's 6 wins, you can take that to the bank.

Is Big Frucking Nasty Too Frucking Fat?

Yesterday, as I'm sure many of you saw, the Reds Official site attempted to link Coffey's ineffectiveness against the first batter this season to his mad dash from the bullpen. As we have all seen, when Nasty is summoned from the pen he takes off like they're serving triple fried hogs feet on the mound [can I get a glass of gravy with that?]. As we have also seen he is very fat. So, just how far can a big fat guy run before he needs to sit down and concentrate on making his heart pump?

The author's always been a fan of Nasty's, not only because of the rock solid nickname but he's from Shelby, NC, was married by the time he was drafted out of high school and of course his goatee matches his uniform. To ensure that he can still get batters out after impressing the fans with his Leon Lett impression [Beebe's right behind you!], the author has a couple of suggestions:

1. Install oxygen tanks on the pitcher's mound
2. Replace his single human heart with either two pig's hearts or the heart of Sean Astin, who was the star of Rudy. If you had a tenth of the heart of Ruttiger you could have made All-American.
3. Have him cut down from 8 in-game chili burgers to 7.

Fat or not, the author is confident he'll figure it out. He was fat last year and could still get the ball by the first hitter. We've all heard about his offseason training regiment, running up snowy embankments and lifting logs, all to avenge the death of his trainer Apollo Creed. That still drives him today. Todd Coffey, you are the greatest, fattest person of which this website knows. Keep up the good work and don't let Narron give you any shit about your boiler.

Phills Aren't Waiter Material, Put Them On Dishes with Juri and Chang, Reds Win 9-6

After being frustrated with the 79 mph fastball of old man Moyer [pictured to the right ] for six innings, the Reds offense came alive with an uncharacteristic late rally. Moyer, who still can't believe the cost of a cup of coffee these days [highway robbery], put a couple of runners in place before giving way to Geoff Geary upon whom the Reds unloaded. Gonzalez missed a grand slam by about the width of a taco but they didn't stop there. Valentin [who pinch hit for Daggum], B. Phil, and Griffey all drove in runs presenting the team with a 6-3 lead. Something happened between then, the author forgets, maybe some rain or a lead was blown with the help of about 6 passed balls, but regardless welcome to the 30 wins plateau team. People may laugh now, but when the team is the first to 100 wins we'll all seem pretty smart. At least smarter than your average person who just spent 10 minutes looking for a funny picture of an old man to make a pretty obvious joke [he's old, we get it]. Pretty smart indeed. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Phillies Serve Reds Pancakes, 11-4

The author was optimistic during the first inning when the Reds got the first three men on base, with hits no less, but that excitement faded quickly into a lone run. That run was quickly matched by the Phills as Bailey couldn't make it out of the second. Tough break kid, you'll get 'em next time. Dunn did later hit a bomb as did Hambone who has remained consistent on his pledge only to hit the ball well when no one is on base. Still looking pretty likely we'll see 20 bombs this season from our favorite recovering crackhead. The author decided to repost the picture of the Phanatic shooting a hotdog out of his crotch, as that is how they celebrate victories up in Philly. The author is confident they won't be seeing any more of the extendo-dog this trip. Harang leapfrogs B-Liz for the start tomorrow. He's got fancy plans and pants to match.

Squid 3 Reds 2

Started out as a pretty nice day at the park today. Griffey hit one out in the first, when my main man Willie Bloomquist batted the ball like a beach ball over the left field fence. He's just such a valuable player because he's so versatile. Then Junior took another one out in the 5th, which was a rocket. No help was needed from the Mariner outfield. But then the offense shut down, deciding that the only way Arroyo is going to get back to where he was last year is for them to give him as few runs to work with as possible. No hits today with runners in scoring position, which is about the usual. But he has to learn sometime. The author refuses to describe the situation which led to Bloomquist driving in the winning run.

The author has overlooked the potential conflict that lies between Reds starter Bronson Arroyo and Mariners "right fielder" Ben Broussard, as they are both exceptionally talented guitar playing baseball players. Today, Broussard emerged victorious, ripping one into the gap in the 6th to tie the game. With everyday life and relationships as his inspiration, maybe today will work its way into his music. Next time, perhaps a Ralph Macchio/Steve Vai-like guitar duel would be a more appropriate form of dispute resolution. The author can't understand what he would have against the Reds. Getting traded for Russell Branyon has done wonderful things to other guys in the league. Just ask Devil Rays minor leaguers Evan Meek and Dale Thayer. Changed their lives. Maybe you should think about that next time you make one of those diving catches to rob Phillips in the gap. It's just business. Anyway, Philadelphia tomorrow, don't forget to bring your battery-proof hats. Those fans are volatile.

Reds Less Spectacular, Mariners 9-1

The author was, we'll say a little disappointed with the performance of the team last night. Lohse gave up an 0-2 grand slam [or funk slam as the scoreboard at Safeco read] to Raul Ibanez in the first, then sprinkled in some runs every now and then over the rest of his outing. Pretty solid. Richie Sexson, utilizing the power of his country singing zombie bride, hit two bombs and ex-Reds farmhand Ben Broussard hit one out just to be a dick. Sexson has that average up to a solid .208, so that's nothing of which to be ashamed. He'll just flat out kill you. Today, the Reds feature the rejuvinated Bronson Arroyo on the mound. We'll have to see if his vacation has made him more interested in hitting 90 mph on the radar gun. The author predicts he'll have the Seattle players making him a sandwich. The Reds are just dealing with a bunch of lousy sailers here, let's go ahead and take the series.

Reds Tell Mariners They Can Shove That Up The End Of Their One Way Digestive System, 16-1

Nice result tonight, but the author can't say that it's much of a surprise. The Reds offense, when mixed with sentiment is a powerful chemical reaction. The Seattle crowd treated Junior very well, but he handled it like a man. No tears, even though Jay Buhner was in attendance and he at least looks to have some variety of debilitating disease. Everyone on the offense contributed today. Algonz started things off right putting the ball just out of the reach Raully, then the combination of David Ross [that average is now at .205, I'll be a son of a bitch], B. Phillips, and Hambone provided the power, hitting the team's five bombs. And when Narron sat Griffey in the 6th, that was a real slap in the face. He'll tell you where to stuff that childhood memory average Mariner fan. Tomorrow night, not to be left out of the festivities, the Reds have planned a pre-game celebration of Jose Guillen's career with the Reds. You thought you saw applause tonight, just you wait. The encore will offer a bludgeoning of Jarred Washburn, salad tosser extraordinaire. Anyway, can't ask for a better result than that, with the game being over by the third inning. That was truly a savage beating, even if it did come in support of the starter who should require the least offensive support. The author's pretty sure Lohse and his little goatee are ready to follow up tomorrow. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Aaron Harang vs. the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

Reds open their first series in five years with the Seamen tonight. The city has a parade planned to welcome Junior back to town and he's going to thank them by hammering Mariners pitching for the next three days. Harang takes the hill today and is planning to give the Seattlans the old Gordon Lightfoot and wreck up the place. He's got some crazy shit planned for tonight. This Seattle team, though currently over .500, has no business hanging around in any of these games. The author predicts a Reds sweep with a combined score of 57-1, the one Mariners run scoring when Griffey agrees to take an at bat for old times sake. He'll even wear his hat backwards. It will be a great moment. Let's go Redlegs. Here's Redsbot 5000's predicted starting Mariner's lineup:

1. Ichiro Suzuki CF - apparently is originally from Japan

2. Jose Vidro DH - his friends call him Joe Bananas

3. Jose Guillen RF - locker is decorated with pictures of kittens ranked by level of cuteness

4. Raul Ibanez LF - fooled around and fell in love

5. Kenji Johjima C - even though he was born in Jamaica, now he's in America making deals

6. Adrian Beltre 3B - sings bass in the Mariners team barbershop quartet, the Merry-ners.

7. Richie Sexson 1B - has a drink named after him at the local watering hole, it's called a Big Gross Coldsore

8. Jose Lopez 2B - eats his cottage cheese with salt and pepper

9. Yunieski Betancourt SS - you need new potato salad, Yunieski Betancourt can make you new potato salad

P. Ryan Feierbend - from MLB.com: "There is no biography available at this time. Please try again at a later date."

Ken Griffey Junior Reunion Tour

Today marks Junior's first return to the playing field in Seattle since he was rescued by the Reds prior to the 2000 season for a nice collection of garbage [Mike Cameron, Brett Tomko, Antonio Perez, Jake Meyer]. As opposed to Alex Rodriguez's return, the locals seem to welcome his return and that's not just to boo, throw fake money, and dump beer on him in the dugout. Fans don't remember the time after his first call-up [Arod we're talking about here] when he had the teenage ballgirl's shirt up over her head, while making out on top of his car, in full uniform, of course. We remember him [Griffey] scoring the winning run against the Yankees in game five of the divisional series in 1995.

Griffey made his pro debut with the Mariners [M's for you fans] in 1989 at age 19 and spent 11 seasons with the team. He won many awards and made baseball tolerable in Washington. Hey, they even went to the playoffs and won a couple of games. He was the face of the franchise and there has been a lot made of how he saved baseball in Seattle, which of course he did.

Because of my close proximity to Seattle, the author has retained a curious interest in the Mariners franchise. I went to my first pro game in Seattle. Afterwards I waited in the parking lot for first basemen Alvin Davis to shower and, subsequently, take the service exit to his car. I referred to every black man who emerged from the locker room as "Mr. Davis" and asked them to sign my commemorative baseball. Reserve outfielder John Rabb told me he was not Mr. Davis, but was still nice enough to sign the ball. That was the extent of my baseball knowledge. Good times.

The press surrounding Griffey's arrival was such that the author can remember brokering a deal for a Griffey Donruss rookie in exchange for the entire pack of cards I had just purchased, headlined by future not-star Felix Jose. Once Junior finally got to Seattle, we were amazed. He was simply a fascinating player to watch. When the games weren't televised I listened to the radio broadcasts, no longer simply because they were the only baseball aired in Spokane. The Mariners were a kind of interesting team. And this was all do to Griffey, who was not only a legitimate baseball player but had his own candy bar. If I go to school and do my best, I can get a candy bar with my ugly face on it? That's what Ken Griffey Jr. says. No better role model.

So, tomorrow he returns. Seattle is very much the same, still no world championships, and no particular interest in heading that direction. They won quite a few games one season and now have a couple of guys from Japan. He has less cartilage on his knees and he plays a different position but the red and white jersey looks much better. You'll notice the tasteful moustache has been replaced with a very becoming chin beard. So, the Reds Rocket is going to hit the road in a 1994 Oldsmobile 88 and catch the series. Look for the author in the right field bleachers silently weeping while dumping a beer on the head of the guy wearing the Mike Cameron jersey.

How Many Balls Are in a Walk, 5-3 Assletics

Reds got out to an early lead on Red Haren but the bullpen decided not to hold onto the lead. McBeth had some bad luck against his old organization, the Swingin' A's, then Cooter just plain forgot where he's supposed to throw that dang ball. A-goo-goo-goo goo. Dunn and Hambone provided the advantage before B-Liz was no match for Jack Cust's strong fundamentals. That swing is perfect. But overall B-Lizzle was very good. You really can't blame him for going out there giving it the old Eric Milton every fourth start because in the other three he left the game with a lead. On a high note, the author just came up with the term Assletics, get it? Instead of Athletics? It's late. Anyway, day off tomorrow then up to Seattle to hammer on the Pilots for three days. Now that's a bad baseball team.

I've Seen Teams Suck Before, But They Were the Suckiest Bunch of Sucks That Ever Sucked! Reds Win 5-2

Be happy that the author has refrained this long from making Homer Bailey Simpson's references. They already take up a fair portion of this blog. Mattingly cut those sideburns!

The author was very happy with Mr. Bailey's third start this evening, only the two hits allowed to this very, well poor, A's offense. But the rest of the staff, with the exception of Harang for the most part, has had trouble figuring out even the most inept offense. But Bailey was economical with his pitches and the offense even provided him with a few runs. Griffey went yard and A. Gonz. hit the ball hard enough that Mark Ellis felt uncomfortable making the play. He's a very sensitive young man. Nice to see the old Big Frucking Nasty again, with all those zeroes he'd been putting up, the author was having a hard time recognizing him. A home run to some player the author wasn't even aware existed is more along the lines of what we've come to expect. So, keep it up team. It's this same A's offense tomorrow, they've just got a weird-looking guy on the mound who's been recording a lot of outs this season. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Reds Stink up the Joint, A's Win 6-1

Not a great start to the west coast swing. Joe Blanton dominated for 8 and the A's offense just wasn't bad enough to lose. Jason Kendall even scored the first run of that big fifth inning, that's never a good sign. He gets about one hit a week. The offense, realistically, shouldn't be this bad. They even get an additional bat with something the American League weirdos call the "designated hitter rule." But tomorrow, Bailey is on the hill against the mystifying effective Chad Gaudin. So, we should be able to chalk that up in the win column.

At least the team keeps piling up the individual accolades, with Dunn making it the third different Reds to win the player of the week. Donkey! He hit .500 [12-24] with 4 bombs and eight ribs. He's got that average up to [say what?] .270. The author's friends at the legitimate Reds blog, Redleg Nation, directed the author to an article by the nerds at Baseball Prospectus that claims Minnesota tops the list of potential suitor for Big Donkey. That's a good sign, maybe they have a future Juan Castro or Kyle Lohse down on the farm. Twins management just loves to punish Krivsky for his defection. If Boof Bonser finds himself in Cincinnati this summer, the author's going to have a meltdown. 2009 [the year Prospectus feels the Reds will be a competitive baseball team] is a long ways away. The author remains optimistic for this season, Narron is stockpiling genius as I type.

Oakland California Is The City of Snakes

Reds open with the A's today in Oakland. The author has always found it odd that a team named the Athletics has an elephant, Stomper, for a mascot, though I've heard they do run pretty fast. And one time I saw video of one playing basketball, that was something else. While looking over what Google had to offer along the lines of elephant pictures, the author opted to take the high road and chose the picture you see to the right. We try our best to be an educational baseball blog.

Tonight, the author is confident that the Lohse/Blanton match will result in a victorious Reds team. The Reds official site reminds us that Hatteberg is returning to the team who employed him for four seasons, though the article seems to imply that the A's are a better run organization than the Reds. We all know that's not true. Also, it gives the team a chance to see old pal Chris Denorfia, assuming he's even in Oakland. If the author had a broken leg and wasn't able to play this season, I don't think you'd see me except to pick up that major league paycheck every two weeks, then back to East Oakland. Here's Redsbot 5000's predictions regarding the Oakland lineup for the game tonight:

1. Travis Buck LF - won his position on the team by eating 35 hard-boiled eggs in one sitting. Beane only ate 19

2. Mark Kotsay CF - craps in the clubhouse urinal

3. Nick Swisher RF - authors a blog dedicated to Lucille Ball, just call him Sharon

4. Eric Chavez 3B - he'll shit on you lawn, roll around, then go to a party

5. Bobby Crosby SS - believes in the healing power of a tall cool glass of orange juice, no doubt about it

6. Dan Johnson 1B - he don't hit too good, but he smell nice

7. Mark Ellis 2B - reminds the author of a young Rory Calhoun, always standing and walking

8. Jack Cust DH - his dad's next instructional program will detail how your child can be a disappointment to everyone for many, many years

9. Jason Kendall C - has a fantastic collection of stamps [to win friends and influence his uncle]

P. Joe Blanton - his goatee exceeds Lohse's in size, but not quality. He's not fooling anybody with that thing

Welcome Michael Gosling

With the unfortunate injury to Mike Stanton [that will happen running 90 feet at one time without taking a rest] we get the chance to say hello to Michael Gosling. He throws the ball left-handed and seems to be a pretty good guy. The fans with the better memories will likely remember, who could forget, his stint with the Reds last season. One game, 13.50 ERA, that's the type of production we're looking for around here. The author is not alone in his heightened expectations. At Louisville he worked exclusively as a starter, so sitting down in the pen with all those assheads for nine innings might be a bit of a chore for Michael, especially because he graduated from high school in Salt Lake City [singer with the Tabernacle Choir?]. The language used down there has been described as "blue" in nature. Let's try and keep it clean boys. No one wants to hear about the case of clap you caught from the waitress at Chili's in St. Louis or the accompanying visit to the doctor. We've all been there. Nice two thirds of an inning tonight Mike, those Rangers bats are tough to control. Hope to see you again soon.

Arroyo Better Think [think think] Think About What He's Tryin' To Do To Me, Rangers 11-4

Now for those of you keeping track, today marked the fifth god awful start out of the last six for Reds coverboy Bronson Arroyo. The author is afraid we're going to see braids again, maybe a ponytail. This Texas offense is not good, but you certainly couldn't tell by this weekend series. Also, as you may have noticed Kevin Millwood is not the same pitcher that he was a couple of years ago, an ERA over 7.00 tells no lies. But he struck out quite a few hitters and when he got himself in trouble the lineup did what they could to bail him out. I know the author said to cut Daggum Ross some slack after the ho-down last night following his big game, but you can't chase pitches when you're up with the bases loaded and the pitcher wants to walk you. Gives the author the vapors. There are many other bad things to talk at the conclusion of this series with a very poor team but the author prefers to set his focus open the series with the Unathletics starting tomorrow night. They've overachieved all season, time to sit them down and explain how they will lose the next three games, starting with Lohse's dominance tomorrow. The author is tempted to repost the picture and explanation of the goatee for tomorrow. Good mogumbo. Nice game today Donkey, the author can just picture Krivsky rubbing his hands together and picturing the middle relievers a quality outfielder like you will purchase.

Give Me One of Them Ribs, Reds 8-4

That probably a little more like a team should play against the Rangers. Back to back home runs in the first and then Griffey adding another in the third [he also put good wood on the ball [ha] in his other two at bats]. And though Aaron "The Undertaker" was not as sharp as we've seen him, he got the big outs and more importantly made Sammy Sosa look like like the putz that he is. That's what Sammy should do with the bases loaded, weak groundball to second. Good for you Mr. Harang.

Now onto Mr. Daggum Ross. The author will admit that recently he had been thinking that maybe, Daggum wasn't the answer behind the plate. Sure he throws out some runners and the staff seems to like him, but he's had like 10 hits all season. These thoughts were centralized to the second inning when he failed to get Hambone in from third with no outs and the pitcher on deck. But then he made me look like a fool, an April fool if you will. Two bombs, a single, and four driven in is simply outstanding. I see that average is back up a very respectible .196. That's better than most of the pitchers and Frank Catalanotto. And everyone knows what a big night by Daggum Ross equates to, good ol' fashion barbeque in the clubhouse. Whoo'ee. Good thing he keeps his smoker in his locker just in case. So, if he's not as sharp today, give him a break. If you're going to smoke ribs right, you've got to put in the time. And of course during that time, you drink about 40 Budweisers, so take it easy on him. Yesterday was an entire week's worth of production. Daggum. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Now There's One That Stings, Rangers Beat Reds 7-6

Yesterday started off well with the news that Majewski had been exiled to work his non-out getting trade elsewhere. Welcome back Brad Salmon, the author hopes you enjoy your three days with the team [and nice inning of relief last night]. But then in the first, the Rangers scored their first run of the game on a single by the author's most hated nemises, Sammy Sosa. The guy is not only one of the more selfish pricks you'll find, but lies and cheats in a variety of ways. He's a piece of trash. But, the team rallied back, and our pal B-Lizzle held a two run lead in the fifth. After he gave up several hits and walk to Michael Young, a move of which the author was very much in favor, he elevated a fastball, the only pitch Slammin' Sammy can hit anymore, over the plate and out it went. Even if the Reds win, which of course they didn't, that sours the whole night. Beat this bunch of goobers today. Harang is on the mound and hasn't had a win for a while. Time to get one today, and let's stay away from that late inning Texas bullpen which is not as bad as the rest of the team.

Welcome Ranglers

Today the Reds play host to a very welcome guest, the Texas Rangers ballclub. The Chuck Norris' and their team beards will be here until Sunday and have made it their personal goal to move the Reds up in the NL Central standings. The Reds have dominated the all-time series, winning four out of the six games between the two teams. And this appears to be the year to get the Rangers as they are currently the very worst team in the entire major leagues. The 10-24 road record susbtantiates their claim. But we must remember, it is important to know your strengths and weaknesses and focus on the strengths. The Rangers are very good at being bad at baseball. The Reds need simply to allow them to continue to apply their trade, playing comically bad baseball. The author must also mention Mark Teixeira is out of the lineup with a bad quad. No reason not to win all of these games. Here's Redsbot 5000's predicted Rangers lineup for tonight's contest:

1. Kenny Lofton CF -this season volunteered to take over the duties of caring for team parrot. It's a lot of work.

2. Marlon Byrd LF - notable career accomplishment is being once traded for Endy Chavez

3. Michael Young SS - favorite food: meatballs

4. Sammy Sosa RF - Rangers have continued the tradition established in Chicago which allowed Sammy to take the field before the rest of his teamates, but instead of being greeted by applause he instead welcomed to silence except for the subtle waving of middle fingers. Welcome back Sammy.

5. Frank Catalanotto 3B - lacks the capacity [mental] to formalize contracts. Team parrot is co-signer on all rental applications and purchase orders.

6. Ian Kinsler 2B - this is his team photo:

7. Brad Wilkerson 1B - smells like a combination of fish [trout] and corn [sweet]

8. Geral Laird C - Favorite story includes a locker room, a quick turn, and ex-Pistons coach Larry Brown's "crank" in his face. Give Gerald Laird the opportunity, he will entertain you all night.

9. Vincente Padilla P - can't hang around his mama 'cause he scares her

Bullpen Disappoints Everyone, Angels 9-7

Today the author was very excited, slime out of bed and watch some, here on the west coast anyway, morning Cincinnati Reds baseball. Bailey was making his second start, in which he looked pretty sharp [especially before Majewski added those additional two runs to his total for the afteronoon] and the offense was due for something of note. And after the three-run sixth, the author was pretty satisfied. 5-3 lead, no sign of Majewski or Stanton. But then Bailey walked a couple of batters and in comes the parade of horribles, Majewski retires no one and throws in a bases loaded walk of Orlando Cabrera for good measure. Stanton follows and does a very good impression of Majewski but from the left side. By the time we got to the [surprisingly effective] two-inning Big Frucking Nasty appearance, there was a large deficit already in place. Too bad, because the team had the lead in all three games of the series, against a very good team. But tomorrow, the Rangers who are pretty, pretty bad. So, a three game sweep here at home, then hit the road for six straight wins against the A's and Mariners. A win today would have been nice, but they can take out there frustrations against Vincente Padilla tomorrow.

Reds Offense Not Good, Angels 6-3

Even with the win last night, the offense has been cool this series. The Angels do have pretty solid starting pitching and we got a taste of their late inning relief tonight, which is also, well, quite a bit better than Cincinnati's at least. Still, the team was up for about 5 minutes, despite getting very few hits, but Lohse prefers to pitch after extended losing streaks. Coming off consecutive wins just isn't his cup o' tea. Once you get yourself into a situation where Big Frucking Nasty can come in and work his patented ineffectiveness, the night's not likely to go your direction. That was some play in center by Hamilton to save McBeth. He runs quite fast. Hopefully the pen got its weekly runs out of its system tonight, so that they'll be working at peak performance tomorrow to take this series and send these guys away disappointed.

Reds Smite God's Agents, 5-3

The Reds did a very nice impression of a good baseball team tonight. Decent starting pitching [though Arroyo did give back another lead, he also didn't give up more runs than innings pitched this time out--maybe they need more promotion nights featuring either him or his weave], enough hitting, and even some nice bullpen work. So how about that. What's the big deal about these Angels anyway? Escobar and his fancy glasses can strike out as many people as he wants if he's still going to lose the game. The author saw that only four of the outs he recorded were put into play but when the Reds did bother to get the bat off their shoulder, they found some open area to rest the ball. Coutlangus now has more wins on the season than Arroyo, and he's twice as pretty. You've got this publication's vote for Rookie of the Year Cooter, which is a very high honor. This victory helps ease the pain of losing Uncle Milty for the season. The author plans to give him his just respect at a later date. Please note the very sad angel to the right. Reds! Reds! Reds!

Say Hello to the Angholes

Today the Reds have some pretty stiff competition coming into Great American, the Los Angeles Angels [not the Angles as the author initially typed]. The Halos are 40-24 and only 2 games in the loss column behind the Red Sox for the best record in all of baseball. Soon, that will be at least 5 games in the loss column. That will be very disappointing to actor David Boreanaz, you know, star of the hit tv show, Angel. The picture to the left is one the author painted in his free time [meaning the time in between re-runs of episodes of Angel]. I believe it accurately captures his versatility as an actor. David Boreanaz is an....Actor! Here's Redsbot 5000's predicted starting lineup for tonight's big game:

1. Chone Figgins 3B - An alumnus of Beth David B'nai Israel Beth Am's Hebrew School where he celebrated his bar mitzvah.

2. Orlando Cabrera SS - favorite food: canned mackerel

3. Vladimir Guerrero RF - his success has allowed him the opportunity to wear a uniform of his own design, made entirely of denim. It's imported from Canada.

4. Gary Matthews, Jr. CF - steroid use ensures there will be no Gary Matthews III, at least not one born without a tail

5. Casey Kotchman 1B - family name is actually "Krotchman", broke his parents' heart when he changed it.

6. Garrett Anderson LF - lists the highlight of his career as "plantar faciitis"

7. Howie Kendricks 2B - no surprise here, named after the great Howie Mandel. Since he suffers from the same crippling mysophobia (fear of germs) as the fantastic Hollywood talent, something as simple as a big hug can throw him off his game. Too bad, Anderson loves to hug.

8. Mike Napoli C - a "never nude", a fear or anxiety about being seen naked, and/or about seeing others naked, even in situations where it is socially acceptable. You'd be surprised how often male nudeness is considered "acceptable" in the Angels clubhouse.

9. Kelvim Escobar P - goggles worn on the mound allow him to see into the future. He's not excited about tonight's start

Reds Get Well-Deserved 1 Day Vacation

With the drag of the Major League season, these off-days are at a premium. Today's hole in the schedule gives the players an opportunity to catch up on squirrels playing poker. The author thinks the one with the big, fluffy tail is bluffing.

The author has always been curious what the players do on these days off. Do they go home and see the family, hang around the ballpark in their underwear, or just sit in their car and drink until they can't see? Well, with the recent publicity this site has received, the author has gained some unique insight into the recreational activities of your favorite Reds players.

1. Gary Majewski - uses the down time to devise creative ways to blow late inning leads. Next week he's considering working balks and maybe fan interference into the routine. Fans can't get enough of it.

2. Jared Burton - though he's not particularly busy during the week anyway, he still likes an off day now and then. The break in the schedule gives him the opportunity to whip up a few dozen of his world famous tacos. He deposits two of the famous hardshells into the mailbox of each person on his block. They are maybe the best tacos the author has ever had. Needless to say, he is a very popular person at neighborhood get-togethers.

3. Adam Dunn - likes to use his free time to play Tom Clancy's military tactical video game Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter. He plays on-line, codename: Ice Cream Pants.

4. Javier Valentin - the break serves as an opportunity for him to catch up on a week's worth of the HGTV original series, House Hunters. On the program, people are filmed as they consider purchasing homes. It's not only entertaining but educational. Real estate speculation has long been a hobby of Javier's

5. Edwin Encarnacion - collects pictures of ornate cakes found in magazines. The day off gives him time to organize them by style, type, and date into a personalized scrapbook. It's his true passion.