Friday, June 22, 2007

Aaron Harang vs. the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

Reds open their first series in five years with the Seamen tonight. The city has a parade planned to welcome Junior back to town and he's going to thank them by hammering Mariners pitching for the next three days. Harang takes the hill today and is planning to give the Seattlans the old Gordon Lightfoot and wreck up the place. He's got some crazy shit planned for tonight. This Seattle team, though currently over .500, has no business hanging around in any of these games. The author predicts a Reds sweep with a combined score of 57-1, the one Mariners run scoring when Griffey agrees to take an at bat for old times sake. He'll even wear his hat backwards. It will be a great moment. Let's go Redlegs. Here's Redsbot 5000's predicted starting Mariner's lineup:

1. Ichiro Suzuki CF - apparently is originally from Japan

2. Jose Vidro DH - his friends call him Joe Bananas

3. Jose Guillen RF - locker is decorated with pictures of kittens ranked by level of cuteness

4. Raul Ibanez LF - fooled around and fell in love

5. Kenji Johjima C - even though he was born in Jamaica, now he's in America making deals

6. Adrian Beltre 3B - sings bass in the Mariners team barbershop quartet, the Merry-ners.

7. Richie Sexson 1B - has a drink named after him at the local watering hole, it's called a Big Gross Coldsore

8. Jose Lopez 2B - eats his cottage cheese with salt and pepper

9. Yunieski Betancourt SS - you need new potato salad, Yunieski Betancourt can make you new potato salad

P. Ryan Feierbend - from "There is no biography available at this time. Please try again at a later date."

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