Is Big Frucking Nasty Too Frucking Fat?

Yesterday, as I'm sure many of you saw, the Reds Official site attempted to link Coffey's ineffectiveness against the first batter this season to his mad dash from the bullpen. As we have all seen, when Nasty is summoned from the pen he takes off like they're serving triple fried hogs feet on the mound [can I get a glass of gravy with that?]. As we have also seen he is very fat. So, just how far can a big fat guy run before he needs to sit down and concentrate on making his heart pump?

The author's always been a fan of Nasty's, not only because of the rock solid nickname but he's from Shelby, NC, was married by the time he was drafted out of high school and of course his goatee matches his uniform. To ensure that he can still get batters out after impressing the fans with his Leon Lett impression [Beebe's right behind you!], the author has a couple of suggestions:

1. Install oxygen tanks on the pitcher's mound
2. Replace his single human heart with either two pig's hearts or the heart of Sean Astin, who was the star of Rudy. If you had a tenth of the heart of Ruttiger you could have made All-American.
3. Have him cut down from 8 in-game chili burgers to 7.

Fat or not, the author is confident he'll figure it out. He was fat last year and could still get the ball by the first hitter. We've all heard about his offseason training regiment, running up snowy embankments and lifting logs, all to avenge the death of his trainer Apollo Creed. That still drives him today. Todd Coffey, you are the greatest, fattest person of which this website knows. Keep up the good work and don't let Narron give you any shit about your boiler.